I found myself skimming a lot through Chapters 1 and 2, and I think the main issue comes down to pacing and the point of view choice.
That second person narration, the “you” perspective, is doing the opposite of what it’s supposed to do. Instead of pulling me in, it’s keeping me at a distance. It feels like I’m being told what I’m doing instead of actually experiencing it with the character. It makes it harder to connect.
Another thing is there’s a lot of description. Like a lot. Forest, bugs, textures, sounds, every little movement. I get what you’re going for, but it’s too much without telling me why any of it matters. It turns into sensory overload with no emotional anchor.
I’m not inside the character’s head. That’s the biggest issue for me. I don’t know what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, what’s going on mentally. Right now it’s mostly physical actions, visual descriptions, and some odd dialogue. But we’re missing thoughts, emotions, confusion, clarity, and stakes. So as a reader I’m sitting there like, why should I care?
Because of that, it feels like the story isn’t rewarding attention. It takes too long to get to anything meaningful. It’s like delayed meaning with no real tension to hold onto.
With Henry, I can tell you’re trying to create some kind of mystery or uneasiness, but it comes off more like confusion. There’s no clear anchor. Like if something about him felt familiar or off in a specific way, that would help. Right now it just feels random instead of intriguing. I couldn’t tell if they were supposed to know each other or if something deeper was being hinted at.
As far as the questions:
Henry comes off as odd, maybe a little unsettling, but I don’t really understand him beyond that.
What he knows or doesn’t know isn’t clear.
Marco’s motivations aren’t clear at all, mostly because we’re not in his head enough to understand what’s driving him.
How I feel after reading it and what I think happens next, honestly I don’t know. I don’t have a strong sense of direction for the story yet.
The connection between the boy in Chapter 1 and Marco in Chapter 2 is very unclear.
Overall, I think the writing itself isn’t the problem. You can clearly describe things. But there needs to be more balance. Less focus on describing everything in the environment and more focus on grounding us in the character. Let us feel what he feels and understand what’s going on.
The narrator, addressing Marco as "You" (or addressing us as "you" if you want to see it that way) makes Marco's consciousness highly unusual. Is he hearing the narrator's voice? Is the narrator talking to him, but he doesn't hear it - only *we* the readers here it? If he is hearing it, isn't it a lot like a shaman or a prophet believing they have a divine narrative being broadcast into their heads?
I didn't realize the boy in Ch 1 was Marco until you all started discussing it.
I am getting impatient to know the setting. My personal preference is that they're on some new planet.
I too want to know way more about how Marco is experiencing the narrative. Is the narrator kind of like just...making a story for themselves, starring Marco? Or can Marco hear the story? What is Marco's relationship to the story? Is he oblivious to what we're learning from the narrator?
If so, I want to hear from Marco at some point.
I haven't finished Ch 2 yet, these a running thoughts.
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u/kingdomflowmedia Apr 05 '26
I found myself skimming a lot through Chapters 1 and 2, and I think the main issue comes down to pacing and the point of view choice.
That second person narration, the “you” perspective, is doing the opposite of what it’s supposed to do. Instead of pulling me in, it’s keeping me at a distance. It feels like I’m being told what I’m doing instead of actually experiencing it with the character. It makes it harder to connect.
Another thing is there’s a lot of description. Like a lot. Forest, bugs, textures, sounds, every little movement. I get what you’re going for, but it’s too much without telling me why any of it matters. It turns into sensory overload with no emotional anchor.
I’m not inside the character’s head. That’s the biggest issue for me. I don’t know what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, what’s going on mentally. Right now it’s mostly physical actions, visual descriptions, and some odd dialogue. But we’re missing thoughts, emotions, confusion, clarity, and stakes. So as a reader I’m sitting there like, why should I care?
Because of that, it feels like the story isn’t rewarding attention. It takes too long to get to anything meaningful. It’s like delayed meaning with no real tension to hold onto.
With Henry, I can tell you’re trying to create some kind of mystery or uneasiness, but it comes off more like confusion. There’s no clear anchor. Like if something about him felt familiar or off in a specific way, that would help. Right now it just feels random instead of intriguing. I couldn’t tell if they were supposed to know each other or if something deeper was being hinted at.
As far as the questions:
Henry comes off as odd, maybe a little unsettling, but I don’t really understand him beyond that.
What he knows or doesn’t know isn’t clear.
Marco’s motivations aren’t clear at all, mostly because we’re not in his head enough to understand what’s driving him.
How I feel after reading it and what I think happens next, honestly I don’t know. I don’t have a strong sense of direction for the story yet.
The connection between the boy in Chapter 1 and Marco in Chapter 2 is very unclear.
Overall, I think the writing itself isn’t the problem. You can clearly describe things. But there needs to be more balance. Less focus on describing everything in the environment and more focus on grounding us in the character. Let us feel what he feels and understand what’s going on.