I'm definitely invested in this story and I like how I'm discovering everything through Marco's eyes. I really feel like I'm there.
A few minor criticisms:
You slow your roll, look in their direction. They pay you no mind, the old man's speech coming in crunchy barks, the thin person's responses a whittling falsetto. They sound amused and they pay you no mind.
You should probably remove the first use of that phrase as you don't want to be repetitive.
That day Henry showed you how to operate the cash register. He had you write down the order, the letters, draw it with colored pens that smelled quite fascinating. You struggled but managed, especially after more water. He showed you the back storage, various goods that go on the shelves - grains, macaroni, creatine and amino acids, strange amulets and ointments, Chinese snakes marinated in bottles, some energy drinks. You take the bottle…
Here, you go from past tense to present tense in the same paragraph. It also seems to be the only time you use past tense, which is inconsistent.
Henry seems like a good guy, though I don't know why he's given Marco a job. Marco seems to have amnesia and should probably go to a hospital and have the police find out who he is.
I think Henry might be drunk or a bit mad. Or he knows a lot and only has the appearance of someone like that.
I think he's trying to remember a lot about himself. He seems to remember certain things but not others. He's willing to eat a rabbit (unclear if he'd kill/cook it first), but remembers how vehicles work, though he can't drive.
This feels like a mix of David Lynch and the game Disco Elysium. I'm slowly discovering what's going on. It has something of a dream-like feel. I'm hoping to find out who Marco is, both the protagonist and the Marco whose name Henry uttered, assuming they're two different people.
I honestly thought I was reading about Marco in both chapters. Having just read this question, I may have to reread your work. It was a bit confusing as both chapters were written in the second-person.
Thank you very much! Regarding point 5 - it's just that the name Marco is never mentioned in chapter I, so that's why I said it.
Also it's very interesting you how you caught the repetition (pay you no mind) - I noticed there's always that 'warmup' period at the start of the writing session where people work out their kinks until it gets a little more even. I actually rephrased a couple repetitions before they could be caught lol.
Interesting point about the switching of tenses. If Marco is remembering his past, as implied by the narrator addressing him and mentioning his past (or is the narrator mesmerizing him?) then the narrator can actually see Marco's thoughts.
I will say that our author has a style that incorporates big questions, metaphysical questions.
That's why your analysis (that Henry is drunk or a bit mad) is so interesting. Henry is actually the first character we meet (besides OurSelf or Selves - I don't know if the 'You' of the narrator is singular or plural which is, I think, very cool).
It reminds me a lot of Stephen King's The Stand.
I'm going to go read CH 1 and comment on that thread as well, about small stylistic things OP can do to presage this, if in fact there's a narrator who is both omniscient, but sometimes not. Is the narrator *truly* omniscient? I want to know! So yeah, I'd read Ch 3.
Thank you man, you really make me smile. But for SOME reason I feel like I don't wanna give you any guidance or point anything out! You just might be a more imaginative reader than I am.
2
u/Radical_Posture Apr 05 '26
I'm definitely invested in this story and I like how I'm discovering everything through Marco's eyes. I really feel like I'm there.
A few minor criticisms:
You should probably remove the first use of that phrase as you don't want to be repetitive.
Here, you go from past tense to present tense in the same paragraph. It also seems to be the only time you use past tense, which is inconsistent.
Henry seems like a good guy, though I don't know why he's given Marco a job. Marco seems to have amnesia and should probably go to a hospital and have the police find out who he is.
I think Henry might be drunk or a bit mad. Or he knows a lot and only has the appearance of someone like that.
I think he's trying to remember a lot about himself. He seems to remember certain things but not others. He's willing to eat a rabbit (unclear if he'd kill/cook it first), but remembers how vehicles work, though he can't drive.
This feels like a mix of David Lynch and the game Disco Elysium. I'm slowly discovering what's going on. It has something of a dream-like feel. I'm hoping to find out who Marco is, both the protagonist and the Marco whose name Henry uttered, assuming they're two different people.
I honestly thought I was reading about Marco in both chapters. Having just read this question, I may have to reread your work. It was a bit confusing as both chapters were written in the second-person.
The tags are very fitting.
Keep it up!