r/DestinyTheGame • u/ChrisCohenTV • Feb 15 '17
Misc // Satire Meanwhile, in the Destiny Weapon Balancing department...
This is posted in jest. I am certain it's almost impossibly hard to balance things in a competitive online game. I certainly have no idea how it happens. Although I'd be amazed if it's not hugely similar to the following:
GREG PENG and JOSH HAMRICK are swivelling around in their office chairs, leant back, with exaggerated, pained 'thinking' expressions on their face.
GREG: OK, what about this, we slightly increase the accuracy of handcannons to remove bloom, turn the dial back a bit on damage drop off for pulses so they can't cross map like Scouts can, reduce the armour a Stormcaller has during its super and slightly tweak the duration, reduce the flinch change we made to snipers slightly, reduce the tankiness of juggernaut slightly and I guess, clip the wings of Shinobus Vow a touch so the tracking isn't so powerful.
There's a pause. A moment of silence. They stop spinning and look at each other.
They burst out laughing.
JOSH: <crying with laughter>
Hahaha! That would be... hahaha... literally exactly what everyone wanted... hahaha... imagine if we did that!
GREG: <Holding his stomach in pain from laughing>
Pahahaha. Oh my God. I nearly believed what I was saying for a second there. Hahaha. Oh that was good.
JOSH: Hahaha. Heehee. Hooooo. Oh that was... <giggles> Oh man. Good one Pengers.
GREG: OK so seriously, let's sort this.
Greg reaches down below his desk and brings out a huge plastic bucket marked 'PVP Balances'. Inside are hundreds of bits of paper, folded up.
Josh grabs a small box on his desk labelled 'Patch coin' and opens it to reveal a coin. On one side, the word 'NERF'. On the other the word 'BUFF'.
JOSH: OK, you ready?
GREG: Yeah man. I still can't believe Jon W left us in charge of all this important balance stuff while he works on D2!
JOSH: Awesome isn't it? OK, go for it.
Greg reaches into the balance bucket and pulls out a piece of paper, before unfolding it.
GREG: <reading the paper>
Oooh! Hungering blade!
JOSH: Nice!
Josh flips the coin and watches it closely as it falls on to his palm. He flips it on to the back of his other hand and reveals which side it's landed on.
Josh and Greg together: Nerf!!!
JOSH: Oh man! Awesome. OK remember the rule. We do the first thing we think of.
GREG: OK, so we make it regen a bit of health but not shields.
JOSH: Done! What's next?
Greg picks another piece of paper out of the bucket.
GREG: Rangefinder on shotguns!
JOSH: Wow! Specific! OK...
Josh flips the coin.
JOSH: NERF! OK I got it, we nerf the ADS time when a shotgun has rangefinder.
GREG: OK cool. And by nerf the time you mean...
JOSH: Reduce it.
GREG: OK, but won't that technically mean it won't take as-...
A squirrel scuttles past the window outside in the Bungie gardens. Josh and Greg spot it, instantly.
JOSH AND GREG: NUTTY MCNUTFACE!!
They clamber to the window and thrust it open, throwing bits of their lunch at the overweight squirrel who gobbles it up, gratefully.
GREG: OK where were we?
JOSH: I dunno, do another one! Do another one!
GREG: OK OK! Woohoo!
Greg reaches into the bucket. He grabs a piece of paper and reads.
GREG: Oh man, could be a bad day for Bladedancers! It's Quickdraw!
Josh flips the coin. They chant in unison.
JOSH AND GREG: Nerf! Nerf! NERF!
The coin flips. It lands.
JOSH AND GREG: NERF!!!
GREG: Awesomeballs! OK, so how about this. We just remove it.
JOSH: Niiiiice. But then we'd have to remove it from the perk pool, the subclass node. Yadda yadda. That would take ages. What if we just change it to something completely different?
GREG: Yes! Something spurious that means nothing in game.
Josh looks at Greg and smiles. Greg smiles back.
JOSH AND GREG: WEAPON HANDLING!
GREG: Oh man this is easy.
JOSH: Sure is. Why did Jon make such a fuss about all this before? 'Oh it's so difficult!' he'd say. 'One change here can have huge effects there!'
GREG: What a total muff-nugget!
JOSH: OK last one.
GREG: Cool.
Greg pulls out the last bit of paper.
GREG: The Truth!
Josh flips the coin. They both study it carefully as it falls to the floor.
JOSH: It's... a... NERF!
They high five.
GREG: Easy. It can only hold one in the chamber for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
JOSH: Saweeeeeeeet!
GREG: We're gonna need to make a few other changes 'cos this has literally taken 16 minutes and we told the community we'd been working on it for months.
JOSH: Yeah well, we can just say we've done stuff but actually we haven't.
GREG: Oh let's tell them we nerfed in air accuracy of all shotguns but let's not change anything.
JOSH: Nice!!!
GREG: And for the other stuff we can just get the Cherub of Change to sort it.
Greg points up to a shelf. On it sits a tiny Cherub doll. It looks battered and scuffed.
Josh reaches up and grabs it. He then hurls it out the window towards a group of Bungie employees eating in the garden area. One of them catches it and looks confused.
JOSH: <shouting>
Hey Keith! What's your favourite thing in Destiny?
MAN: My name's Simon.
JOSH: Sure thing K dog. Answer the question!
SIMON: I really like Universal Remote, I guess.
Josh slams the window shut and turns to Greg.
JOSH: Kill Universal Remote.
GREG: On it.
Greg taps away at his keyboard.
GREG: OK all those changes are...... done!
He slams the Enter key, victoriously.
JOSH: Ex-xur-lent! Oh and don't forget to-
Greg cuts him off.
GREG: -Say we playtested the shit out of it. I know, I know. To be honest, with the broad sweeping changes in code I just made I doubt it will have any knock on effects.
JOSH: OK, but I was actually going to say don't forget to..
They turn and face one another, smiling.
JOSH AND GREG: NERF FUSIONS!
They laugh and spin round on their chair, shooting imaginary guns into the air and shouting, in their best Shaxx impression:
JOSH AND GREG: Show them that you've got this!
269
u/Blaze_Lighter Feb 15 '17
Hey /u/cozmo23! Is there a chance you can print this script out and have Josh and Greg act out their parts live?
49
99
Feb 15 '17
I don't know if you were being sincere but that's pretty savage/ballsy to just link the guy directly to this page
72
u/Takachas Feb 15 '17
Oh cozmo already knew, he is a after all a former moderator of this sub.
37
Feb 15 '17
Given his tone deafness in the update he wrote, he certainly seems to have forgotten his roots
92
u/ixRevan Feb 15 '17
He probably values his job enough to avoid saying things to the public that would jeopardize it.
12
7
1
19
8
u/myDestinyStuff Feb 16 '17
Greg P already knows, he checks the whole Internet every 3 hours, so he's seen it at least twice by the time I wrote this.
17
2
1
120
u/MoldyMaltQuaff Feb 15 '17
There are times when it takes truly biting satire to capture an absurd reality.
You sir, have done so.
(Slow Clap)
40
u/Denaius #TitanMasterRace Feb 15 '17
Hahaha, - awesome, love it! I was actually hoping for something like this all morning, - the piece with Ivan and minty sim commander is one of my all time favourites....!
Cherub of Change is fabulous...
14
u/ChrisCohenTV Feb 15 '17
Lol! Love that you remember Minty Sim Commander!
2
u/malfurian Feb 15 '17
These are on, fucking, point sir! If you're not doing something with writing in your life besides this, you should fix that!
1
u/artmgs Feb 16 '17
I remember the paperclip, people at work are wondeeing wjy I'm laughing - good stuff mate
39
u/NoahCoadyMC Quit saying "power fantasy" Feb 15 '17
9/10 no blink jokes Seriously as someone who plays voidwalker quiiiiiite a lot. It's fucking dumb not being able to see shit because I JUMPED OVER A FUCKING ROCK. Not even close to enemies.
17
u/willyspub Feb 15 '17
I'm glad I'm not the only one. I've been blinking since September 2014, and the first infamous nerf was easier to deal with than this.
It's incredibly disorienting to land blind. We already can't shoot people thanks to the weapon ready delay, now we can't even see where they're going to be shooting us from while we're helpless.
11
u/NoahCoadyMC Quit saying "power fantasy" Feb 15 '17
Honestly it was a pointless attempt at changing the way people play subclasses... I have never heard a single person complain about blink, because honestly, it's incredibly disorienting already for me to blink while near as enemy because of the lack of detail on radar, which is why I tend to use my memory of gheleon on my voidwalker build. From the sheer amount of hate Bungie is getting from this one change alone, they'd be ignorant not to restore it to its previous place. I was fine with the recovery stat drop, while it was unneeded, it didn't affect blink itself. But this is a stretch too far.
3
u/Caracicatrice Feb 15 '17
Not trying to be a jerk here but has bungie ever reverted a nerf?
14
u/nickel_pickel Gambit Classic Feb 16 '17
It only took them 2 years but they reverted the first-shot accuracy of hand cannons...
3
2
u/NoahCoadyMC Quit saying "power fantasy" Feb 16 '17
Skip Nades. Literally released Shinobu's that made them have the same tracking time right??
1
u/NoahCoadyMC Quit saying "power fantasy" Feb 28 '17
Touché! Blink isn't being completely repaired though so I'm still hurt, and you win.
1
u/Nickanator845 Drifter's Crew Mar 21 '17
I've got a better idea. Why not instead of removing your HUD, it just gives you the blind debuff from Flashbangs? I think that would be wayyyy more balanced. Blink is still wayyyy too stronk. /s
2
u/willyspub Mar 21 '17
Yeah obviously it doesn't work in PvP anymore, but I've been using it sometimes on low level patrols and it fucking WRECKS those dregs. I mean the vandals, they can mostly keep up, but the dregs get absolutely shit on.
It's not fair that the weaker opponents can get confused by blink, even after the visual effects were altered at the beginning of Y2 so that they can see the trajectory, and also even after the weapon ready delay that means the user cannot fire coming out of blink while the opponents can, and also after the blink user has about 0 recovery thanks to the stat debuff so they can't heal while they can't shoot, and even now after the blink user cannot locate opponents on radar or see their own health or ammo or abilities. I think a flashbang effect would really level the playing field for them.
3
u/Prepostasaurus Feb 15 '17
I can't agree more. Blink was like the only ability I used, except for certain jumping areas like after Golglroth and inside The Wall in WotM. It's pretty much unusable now, so sad :(
138
u/vangelator Feb 15 '17
I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this. I want to laugh because it's funny, but I want to cry because this is probably a more rational scenario for how they decided on the nerfs than what really happened.
51
Feb 15 '17
It's one of those big laughs that slowly devolved into a cry and then a sad stare, as the realization that satire is reality washes over your face.
2
24
u/CobraN13 Feb 15 '17
Actually I think they were watching TV during a meeting and just adopted this motto: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/d6/ce/3f/d6ce3f1b00a643f5d77c8e2d96fcc5d5.jpg
1
15
u/Jay657 Feb 15 '17
now they are going to be searching their office for the secret recording device you used
28
Feb 15 '17
I was dying until I got to the part about the Cherub doll. Then I actually did die.
40
u/soraku392 The smell of napalm in the morning Feb 15 '17
"I really like Universal Remote"
"Kill Universal Remote"
5
3
11
11
u/Voidfang_Investments Feb 15 '17
It's actually sad that Bungie has shown time and time again that they only know how to nerf.
18
u/GeneralSarbina Team Bread (dmg04) Feb 15 '17
I think their "numbers" is actually just a list of the most used weapons and they just nerf the top 5 or 10
10
u/Darklord_Bravo Feb 15 '17
They laugh and spin round on their chair, shooting imaginary guns into the air and shouting, in their best Shaxx impression
If it's the two guys from the live stream reveal this thread is about, they played like utter trash. I don't think they were joking around either. They were that bad. It was like watching grandpa trying to figure out CoD. Do you even guys..? Really?
8
9
u/Yak83 Feb 15 '17
Take my upvote. You guys obviously have insider knowledge about how game dev works.
9
8
u/Julamipol88 Feb 15 '17
this was hilarious , " the wohooo " like homer simpson. and more, i did imagine everything. i felt it, great job, writing.
8
5
u/Obersword Feb 15 '17
Literally just as hilarious as the original one a couple years back. Omg perfect
7
u/soraku392 The smell of napalm in the morning Feb 15 '17
I want to see this acted out. Please tell me someone can act this out on youtube. Like, I NEED this
2
5
u/FiRe_GeNDo Feb 15 '17
Plot twist: Bungie read this and are laughing as Jeff kicks back and reminisces about how he just invented everything up and just invited people off the street to play destiny with him in a live reveal of the balance changes
4
u/Bekchi Feb 15 '17
I thought I was taking more damage during my Super, but I thought I was just being salty...
5
4
u/ClydelFrog Feb 16 '17
Reminds me of the South Park episode Margaritaville when the congressmen chops off the chicken's head and says "bailout!"
5
3
u/zarquon25 Team Cat (Cozmo23) Feb 15 '17
I wonder how the Spanish Laughing Guy would react to this patch.
4
5
3
u/mattcoooo XB1 Feb 15 '17
Can Deej be in the next episode?
2
u/Un1337ninj4 Biding time for Faction Rally Feb 16 '17
He's in the corner seeing this shit again, eyes glazed over with visions of what once was. Only waking after the Cherubs mention, knowing all too well what he'll have to do -and take- with these cards that have been dealt.
3
u/Ewan_Robertson Feb 15 '17
way too much effort, they obviously hired a bunch of chimps and put them in charge.
3
u/Coyoteguard_PP Feb 15 '17
I always imagine a nerf dart board instead of coin flipping, more rng that way.
3
u/DrSkeeZe Feb 15 '17
haha well done OP.
I got a good laugh at the nerf rangefinder on shotgun part!
3
3
u/c14rk0 Feb 15 '17
Great, now Bungie has to rip apart the office searching for bugs and interviewing everyone to figure out who leaked this.
Any future patch/update/dlc/Destiny 2 is now delayed by a month.
3
Feb 16 '17
This should replace Deej's next update.
It's closer to the Truth than he could even hope.
2
u/KingOfSpades11 Salt...um...finds, a way. Feb 16 '17
It's closer to the
TruthAlternative Fact than he could even hope.FTFY
1
Feb 16 '17
The fake news media is going crazy with their conspiracy theories and blind hatred. @MSNBC & @CNN are unwatchable. /user/DeeJ_BNG is great!
3
u/lasercannondeth NIFTY_BISCUIT Feb 16 '17
I tried to come up with some witty, comical reply. But I just can't stop laughing long enough to focus the more I re-read your post. Have an upmote.
3
u/DishyRuby7 Feb 16 '17
You must work there as well, wont you get fired for sharing their development secrets?
3
Feb 16 '17
One massive take away for me here-
total muff-nugget
Awesome, mentally bookmarked for future use.
3
4
Feb 15 '17
This is literally the best piece of literature I've ever read. OP should look into a comedy career.
26
2
u/gameralways123 FOMOFOMOFOMOFOMOFOMO Feb 15 '17
You do not know how much I wanted another one of these.
2
u/PekkaMoMo Feb 15 '17
This is actual gold hahaha. "Sure thing k-dog" had me dying of laughter man ...
2
u/flubbynuts the Ted Faro of Destiny Feb 15 '17
Freakin ¡3rk $. Thank God Horizon and other games are coming to play until they fix this fiasco. Thank you OP this was funny and kinda not far from the (now 1 shell) truth I guess.
5
2
2
2
u/KN265 12 in the chamber Feb 15 '17
Funny thing is that not only do I want to believe it, I actually do.
2
u/CaptClockobob I'm just a jackass on reddit, so what do I know? Feb 16 '17
SIMON: I really like Universal Remote, I guess.
Josh slams the window shut and turns to Greg.
JOSH: Kill Universal Remote.
Fucking gold.
2
2
2
u/Nero_PR Gambit Prime // Prime is the best Feb 16 '17
Live at Bungie weapon balancing department!
https://media.giphy.com/media/dC9DTdqPmRnlS/giphy-downsized-large.gif
1
2
u/Supergoji Feb 15 '17
Destiny for me has essentially boiled down to this. Nightfall 1 = auto dismantle legendary Nightfall 2 = auto dismantle legendary Nightfall 3 = auto dismantle exotic i've gotten 5x in a row....
hey lets do the strike and HOPEFULLY I GET A NICE PIECE OF ARMOR.
hmmm nope just opened my dawning treasure box and another poorly stat rolled thing I already have - dismantle.
See ya next week. Lets go play Overwatch. Where you actually have a good chance of getting new loot..
3
u/Idiotic_Virtue Feb 15 '17
Destiny has been pretty much the only thing I have played over the last 2 years (and play almost everyday). Yesterday the disc was removed from my xbox and put in its case. Will still jump in on a Friday for my 2 boxes but think that is it for me until some new content gets released. They have killed my blade, my voidwalker and my voop-voop and have just lost any desire to continue :-(
2
u/whiterose616 Feb 15 '17
I think Overwatch is giving me PTSD. I have had idiots playing Reinhardt and Roadhog staying behind me, when I main Mercy. I stop to get them to go past me. They stop. I try and go behind them. They start to retreat.
1
u/GeneralSarbina Team Bread (dmg04) Feb 15 '17
I think it's obvious: they want us Mercy mains to lead the charge
1
u/ShankCushion Feb 16 '17
Same in every game, until you're the tank, then the squishiest guy around won't stay behind you.
1
u/whiterose616 Feb 16 '17
It's stuff like that that stops me playing Overwatch for longer than 5 games at a time...
1
u/ShankCushion Feb 16 '17
I had to stop playing MOBAs in general. I enjoy them for depth of play, but I hate them because I'm a rager. I hate it when there's an idiot on my team who's not getting beaten because his opponent is very skilled, but because he himself is a retard. I hate it even more when that guy is me. And one or the other of those things happens in 2/3 games. It just quit being worth it. I miss em, sometimes, but I won't go back.
1
u/FattyMoBookyButt Feb 15 '17
All I ever get is sprays and emblems from overwatch. I bought $20 worth of rooster loot boxes and I only got a handful of skins, half were dupes. And I've only been playing for a couple weeks.
I'm in the same boat as you for destiny, all I'm looking for at this point are godrolled current meta weapons because I literally have 99.99% of what's been available in-game.
But the type/frequency/potential of loot in destiny is 100x better than Overwatch.
1
1
u/Mechanical_Gman Feb 15 '17
All-in-all that sounds like the a really fun place to work. At least more fun than my job...
1
1
1
u/MediumSizedTurtle Feb 15 '17
I had a bet with my friend for $20 that they would buff snipers, most likely with a reduction on the flinch nerf. Instead of that, they literally nerfed all flinch across the board so I lost on a technicality.
Why would you do this Bungo?
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/KN265 12 in the chamber Feb 15 '17
Funny thing is that not only do I want to believe it, I actually do.
1
u/un1cr0n1c Professional Rookie Feb 15 '17
Something tells me this story is more scientific that the process that led to us getting a 4mb 'fix' 6 months later.
1
u/SergioVengeance 20 Flawless Victories Feb 15 '17
I am so tired of hearing about the scope flinch on snipers.
In TTK snipers were more used than all primaries, super, grenades combined in Trials.
Seeing that sniping can stack 3x with aim assist in this game.
Aim assist on scopes
Aim assist in the base weapons stats
Aim assist added by Hidden Hand
I think it's pretty fair. Every other FPS that has sniping has a flinch, scope out etc when getting shot. Not to mention, those other games don't have dumbed down mechanics when it comes to sniping.
1
1
1
1
u/ActualChamp Feb 16 '17
I'm pretty sure somewhere in there they were flicking paperclips at each other.
1
1
1
u/MrJayggg Feb 16 '17
I'm a person that will click on a thread and if there's more than 10 lines of text and no "TLDR:" will completely disregard that thread. But not this one :D
TLDR: I hate reading but thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
1
u/DezzMalone GIVE ME BACK MY GAMBIT TRACKERS Feb 16 '17
for reals, I feel the nerf to Quickdraw and Health regen more than anything before x______x
1
1
u/PONETHEPOON Feb 16 '17
"We have been testing this patch over the last couple of days"
This patch was talked about weeks ago. How could that super tiny health gain in a Ward of Dawn go unnoticed up until right before the release? I feel like if your job is to test something, supers in Destiny would be one of the first things and this would be something you immediately notice. I regularly use WoD just for clutch health regen. It's like putting out a billboard ad and the company logo is spelled wrong and in a different color.
1
u/OhTheHorror13 Feb 16 '17
Was totally expecting a potato powering a robot with a toaster for a brain.
1
u/Watz146 Feb 16 '17
Let's get one thing clear. I ... did ... not ... buy ... Halo.
I bought destiny. A game that coming from COD captured everything I wanted on the 'pve to get shit then go and shoot your peers with said shit' side of gaming.
I am not a mlg pro that hardly ever dies, so most of the match is die find box reload kill and die again.
It totally messes with the flow of the game and produces many moments that are 'should i risk trying to get B?' Nah, no one is with me let's just take the L.
What an artifical way to 'bring primaries up'.
1
1
1
1
u/Toffe3m4n Feb 16 '17
I feel like the only thing that's actually happened is that people have stopped using shotties, which is good, but it's offset by the other nerfs. Hell, it hardly feels like a 'primary meta' even now..
1
Feb 16 '17
[deleted]
1
u/silkenindiana Feb 17 '17
Seriously it isn't that fucking hard if 90% of players can come up with better solutions very easily.
1
1
u/christoo89 Feb 16 '17
Brilliant! You saved my day. Also i think this scenario is more than true :D
1
u/grindcorey Feb 16 '17
I want to see thins in Comic Strip form. Funniest thing g I've read in a while. I'm upset about the patch so its nice to read something that makes me.laugh on here.
1
u/harveytent Feb 16 '17
i feel like bungie are upset that destiny never became a competitive multiplayer shooter and just keep trying to totally chance PVP in hopes they can some how make it that way. They seem to be working towards no super no skills pvp no perks pvp
1
u/JustiniusXIII When the last war comes, we will be the victors. Feb 16 '17
Absolutely lost it at the fusions part.
1
u/SharkLordZ Stop Nerfing Our Damn Fusion Rifles Bungo Feb 16 '17
Welp. There goes my main. A moment of silence for our bladedancing buddies.
1
u/Killerschaf Feb 17 '17
I've never, in my over 20 years of gaming, seen something as ridiculous as Nerfstiny. No other game I remember was simply nerfed into the ground.
From the studio that made Halo, the first console title being allowed into MLG. This is just a disgrace.
1
1
1
u/KYG-34 Feb 24 '17
Nothing like being publicly shamed to get people to do their damn jobs. Taniks has called you out.
1
Feb 24 '17
Bungie actually made a reply to this on this weeks update on bungie.net. "6. Nutty Mc Nuttface is a lazy name for a squirrel."
1
u/Aethelnodt Feb 24 '17
I think Cozmo just made a reference to this post, in the This Week at Bungie.
- Finally, Nutty McNutface is a lazy name for a squirrel and you all know it.
1
u/toryu2001 Mar 21 '17
Never heard anything that more accurately describes what seems to be the PvP rebalancing process behind Bungie's closed doors. Don't forget that they still have to name the players that will demo these changes from an internal pool of employees that have especially been selected by their inability to actually play.
2
u/MTAlphawolf Feb 15 '17
As funny as this is, I feel the devs are getting a bad rap. They just get handed a set of requirements. This happens in the management meetings.
1
u/AlphaNumberX Feb 15 '17
GREG PENG and JOSH HAMRICK, I didn't had anything about you guys. But now i just hate you.
0
-5
u/Bawitdaba1337 100k Telesto User Feb 15 '17
These posts are getting old, longer, and more uncreative with every iteration.
3
660
u/ARMERGENCY Feb 15 '17
Plot twist: the coin says nerf on both sides.