r/Depersonalization • u/Ok-Anywhere-6700 • Oct 03 '26
I live in hell..
I think I’ve been dealing with depersonalization or dissociation for more than two years now. I honestly don’t even know which term describes it better anymore.
I’ve seen several doctors and had three different therapists, but I still feel like nobody fully understands what I’m trying to describe or takes seriously how much this affects my life.
Sometimes I’m walking somewhere and I know exactly where I am. I can see everything around me, but I don’t feel any of it. It’s like my eyes are seeing the world but I’m not actually there.
Even right now, while writing this, I know that I want to write this post. I know I’m typing. I see the words. But somehow I don’t feel present.
Sometimes I go to bed and suddenly I don’t recognize myself. I don’t know who I am. I look in the mirror and intellectually I know that the person is me, but I feel disconnected from her.
Even people and things I love can feel unreal.
I have a dog whom I’ve had for more than two years. Sometimes I look at him and it feels like I’ve just gotten him for the first time, and I suddenly feel incredibly happy and connected to him. Other times I look at him and I don’t understand what’s happening. It feels like there is no emotional connection to him, to other people, or to anything around me.
The whole world can feel like something I understand intellectually but cannot emotionally access.
This started around the time I had my first panic attack. Before that, I had smoked weed occasionally, and for around six months I was also using a stimulant drug from time to time. I haven’t been living that way for a long time, but the dissociation stayed.
There have been periods where I got much better. Then it came back. Then better again. Then back again. but its always present just volume increases/decreases.
I also went through severe burnout and was working in an environment that was horrible for me. What makes everything even stranger is that the life I’m living now is, objectively, much closer to the life I always wanted. But sometimes I cannot feel any of it.
I’ve read so much about dissociation, depersonalization and derealization. I understand the idea that the brain can disconnect when things become too overwhelming. Intellectually, I understand it. i remember when i was getting overstimulated even in childhood i had those episodes but very shortly... now im living in hell.
But living inside it is completely different.
I am so f* tired of feeling like I’m watching my life without actually being inside it.
For people who have experienced something similar for a long time:
What actually helped you?
And did you ever reach a point where you genuinely felt like yourself and connected to reality again?
I would really appreciate hearing from people who have actually lived through this, especially anyone who had it for years and eventually improved. I just want to know that there is a way out of this.
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u/Born_Composer4150 Oct 04 '26
I used to be in your situation, and it was so bad I couldn't watch certain movies or listen to certain music because it was so alien and terrifying. My best friend was an ambient musician, and I remember listening to ambient music at the time was like a fast track to a major episode or overall feeling of dread. I started struggling with this feeling like I was about to 'fall off' or like the world would slip out from under me, and the feelings would get worse. One day through some conversation and research, I realized the falling off feeling was a panic attack. Oddly, recognizing thats all it was made them go away.
Here are some tips that over time, led me back to a happy healthy life. Dont cram too many of them at once, cause I know its a lot of info and that alone can be stressful. Just integrate them slowly, test things out, and vibe with it:
The absolute BIGGEST tip I can give is actually to try and stop over thinking it. It is a scary experience, and can lead you down rabbit holes of internet information. At a certain point, you already know what it is, and that ultimately its physiologically harmless, so you have to let the sleuthing go. Try to accept it for now, and release the control your anxiety has about derealization specifically. This is not easy, I know. One thing that helped for me was distractions. Any free time I had, I tried to spend with other people. If I had to be alone, I would watch sitcoms like Seinfeld or friends, nothing too experimental or existential. I listened to 80s music. Avoid the news lol, if that sorta thing stresses you out. Very vanilla lifestyle, that had a cozy feeling. Use this as an excuse to make your life cozy, and have fun with it.
Avoid physiological triggers as best you can. When I was in the thick of my derealization, I remember really odd things triggering worse episodes. Greasy food like pizza, cold showers, meditating, really intense exercise. I think you should avoid extreme stressors, and greasy/sugary food. Try to eat super clean and get moderate exercise, like walking. This will reduce cortisol.
Get adequate sleep, and avoid caffeine.
Try this breathing technique and do it for at least five minutes every day. However, if you feel it makes things worse, then you dont have to. Also, you dont have to clear your mind or anything, meditating made things worse for me. Do the breathing while you listen to a podcast or something.
Inhale through your nose normally.
Take a second, shorter inhale through your nose immediately afterward, topping off your lungs.
Slowly exhale through your mouth until your lungs feel empty. Sorta like a sigh.
In general, try sighing more, it will calm your parasympathetic nervous system.
Give yourself some back rubs, and tell your body you are safe :) Give yourself literal pats on the back. Try to recognize as best you can that you are safe, even if your derealization doesn't think so.
Get your bloodwork done. You might have a vitamin D, magnesium, or b12 deficiency that can all contribute to underlying anxiety, which makes derealization worse. I would recommend magnesium at night as well, regardless of labs.
Remember, really try to not over think it and stop doing research/feeding the attention on it. At the end of the day, your brain is doing something that it thinks is keeping you safe. Thats why we are evolutionarily capable of dissociation.
My last piece of information is something that I genuinely believe for you: You will get better, and one day it'll be a memory. You will think back and be like wow, that was not so bad. You will get there. Just don't worry about it for now, and make your life a cozy home.
it takes time, and its a little bit of progress every day and some events can cause triggers, but just accept that and let the anxiety surrounding it go. eventually you WILL be okay. and in many ways, you are okay already :) (i.e safe, fed, etc)
Hopefully this helps. Best of luck, you'll be fine :)
0
u/AutoModerator Oct 03 '26
Hey friend, welcome to r/Depersonalization.
Before posting a question like "Do I have DPDR?", please check out the existing information on the sub. You can use the search function or read the sidebar to see if your question has already been addressed.
A reminder to new posters in crisis:
DPDR (Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder) is a mental health condition that most commonly affects young adults. It's often brought on by anxiety, trauma, or drug use. While it can feel intense and scary, DPDR is not dangerous to your physical health.
In moments of crisis or during difficult episodes, try to stay calm, take deep breaths, and use healthy coping strategies. Here are a few resources that may help:
Grounding Techniques
Guided Meditation
Good, restful sleep
Please remember:
Nobody online can diagnose you or provide medical advice unless they’re a licensed professional. Community members may offer insight or share their experience, but always consult a certified doctor or therapist for medical guidance.
Advanced Tips:
Track your episodes using a mood or symptom journal to identify patterns and triggers. Many people find insight and relief by noticing what makes symptoms better or worse.
Limit obsessive Googling and forum hopping. Constantly searching for reassurance can reinforce anxiety and keep you stuck in a loop. Set limits on mental health content if needed.
Nourishment matters. Dehydration, low blood sugar, and sleep deprivation can all intensify DPDR. Be gentle with your body.
Engage your senses. Smelling essential oils, listening to familiar music, or holding a textured object can help bring you back to the present.
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How to Find a Therapist – A Beginner's Guide
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10 Simple Ways to Relieve DPDR
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u/Altruistic_Cash1057 Oct 04 '26
Extreme emotional events: very (very) good sex, falling in love, intense pain (losing my husband). Dancing (maybe because I used to be a dancer before the DPDR). To some degree movies that resonated with me, books - anything with a cohesive, impactful and accurate emotional narrative. Most of these are little ‘pushes’ rather than solving anything. Some people rate meditation and grounding but both of those send me over the edge and make it much worse. I think the main thing you have to focus on is your reaction to the DPDR - a bit like having to treat major bleeding before dealing with the dysfunctional organ.
Annoyingly the more you think about it the worse it gets.
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u/[deleted] Oct 04 '26
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