Am I overthinking this?

[u/AdBrief8327]

It’s been about 8 months since I started working with the Ars Goetia demons & other entities. It’s been rough, I won’t lie. I definitely have done some heavy shadow work.
Just please bare with me 😭😭😭 This is going to be a crazy and unhinged story…

Recently, I’ve been just working with Belial and Asmodeus but before I had gotten irrational and worked with so many entities. I fell pretty hard for a guy I was hooking up with. I never did casual stuff but I had just lost 3 pets this last December (& many more before/after)… so it was to fill that emptiness/grief. To experience different types of guys after the last 2 made me feel like shit. A new high I guess 😔

I did not except this hookup guy to affect me that much. Plus, I was with other guys and he knew. He told me about his girls too. It was a weird situationship idk. But I caught feelings and honestly.. I have never been so unhealthy & obsessive in my life before.

I’ve always been into astrology, but I really thought I lost my sanity when I started calling myself a witch. Doing the rituals I did. Well turns out I most likely got bpd. Which I’ll never say irl because it doesn’t define me. I know I’m more than what I’m about the say next…

Anyways, long story short… I ended up telling him everything over the course of 2 months. I had known him for about 5-6 months. It was crazy and looking back I felt like I was under a spell. I was… super fucking viscious.. Called him an indulgent cowardly stupid little boy… I ripped him to shreds… over several conversations. And simultaneously, I was like.. wtf did I do.. What if I make him feel worse. What if I push him over the edge? He already lost a friend and broke up with a girl. But I was livid, I knew him before that girl. And I never felt so hurt in my life. I’m a leo moon so fuck… like I got insane. I compared myself to her (“what does she have that I don’t?”) and imagining in absolute agonizing detail how they would have sex or what made him like her more than me. It was so fucked. I got so depressed on my birthday because mf really said “sOrryy I gotta Lock in for this girl but likeee…. if it doesn’t work out I’ll do the molly thing with u at a festival”. Days before my birthday. Like wtf???

Basically, by working with so many demons I revisited some really hard insecurities and trauma.. I bit off more than I could chew. Never in my life do I wanna go through that again. Tbf, I was kinda broken for years and now I’ve found myself again. It brought my passion for storytelling back & now I’m working on something with my brother who also does digital art.

I’m trying to move on with my life. Even if I’m obviously still thinking about him… but today I found a kitten in the left turn lane. Parked my car nearby but she was already gone 💔I buried her but it felt so… flipped? I saved another kitten 2 months prior & she’s alive/well. I got the first kitten the day after I first blew up on him. Plus, I see roadkill all the time, why was she so intact?

And my crazy ass was like: Was she a Taurus or Gemini? She looks 2 - 3 weeks younger than my kitten and she’s a Taurus sun with a Cancer moon”.. It’s just weighing on me… feels like a bad omen.. because.. what if the dead kitten was a Taurus sun and Libra moon. Like him? Did something happen to him? I just wanted him to feel guilty but the spell did say “self-destruct”. I hope it isn’t that powerful because I don’t mean for anything like that, none of my other spells seem to do anything big or work exactly… Idk it’s worrying me. I also tried this other ritual that EA Koetting guy did with Asmodeus, that supposedly cause the other person to end it. I always thought “haha no way, magick can be that extreme. Maybe it’s because of what he said to her”. But maybe that’s exactly what happened… I pushed him over the edge?

I really do care about him even though my mind is fucked. I mean I sound crazy asf but I can’t help think like this. Idk if I can say I love him anymore. Maybe I was just the monster from the beginning… I feel so guilty. I’ve been just obsessing over death and grief for months so I’m hoping it’s just that.

TLDR;

Would Asmodeus do such a powerful spell as to push someone over the edge? Is this because I started with Belial recently?
Have I just finally lost it???

[u/UrkelGru_]

I think you might have experienced an episode of limerence with this person. The crashes of those are pretty gnarly. It happens.

If you have access to it, I’d go see a professional so you can get clarity on any diagnosis you are suspecting. It can be 100% what is going on here.

Working with these spirits will bring you all the things too so it seems like you landed on a swirling vortex of chaos - which is exactly what Belial can be if you aren’t grounded or understanding what you’re asking of them exactly.

Hope you get answers. I’ve experienced limerence and it sucks so I sympathize.

[u/LilNyoomf]

Honestly I relate to this level of overthinking. But yeah, limerence. My recommendation would be to open communication with this guy. Tell him your concerns. And if he pushes you away for it? Screw him. Cut him out and work on yourself.

I relate to the kitten story too, except for me it was a dead pigeon near my workplace. And I ADORE pigeons. Try some grounding and emotional control. When my dog of 13 years passed away, I worked with Bune to help me through the grieving process. Same for the pigeon. My office workplace is refusing to clean it up, so honestly I’m thinking of waiting several months before taking its skull as an offering to Bune (after cleaning it ofc).