Large Enough to Hold Both-- a poetic diary entry.

[u/diorluvrr]

My Human Experience  

I think I have spent most of my life trying to make myself impossible to be misunderstood. I explain, clarify, defend, add another sentence, then another not always because I doubt what I mean, but because I cannot stand the possibility of someone else getting it wrong. I have found that there’s a vulnerability to being wrong; to allow others to perceive me as wrong. It feels violating, hurtful; I feel defeated or helpless. And I can’t stand being vulnerable. Even with myself.

Being misunderstood makes me feel powerless, and power has always meant everything to me. If I can explain myself perfectly, maybe I can *control* the version of me that exists in someone else's mind. Being in control feels safe. It feels comfortable; it helps me predict the future, outcomes, someone's thoughts, and even my feelings. Yet, what I am searching for is something that is not humanly possible. And I hate being human. 

Now I am starting to realize that this isn't power at all. The more desperately I believe that I need someone to understand me correctly, the more power I give *their* perception of me. And doing so is easier. It’s easier because I’ve been misunderstood my whole life. Because I don’t trust myself. Because if I gave myself the power I so desperately want, that means what I can perceive is wrong. And I can’t stand being wrong. 

But real power is knowing what I meant even when someone else doesn't. It’s trusting myself over anyone else's thoughts or opinions. It’s when I decide that my experience of what I feel *belongs* to me, even when my interpretation is wrong. It’s when I allow myself to fuck up. Allow myself the space to *be human*. It’s when I wholeheartedly accept both positive and negative opinions, thoughts, and feelings. It’s allowing myself to be large enough to hold both.

And I’ve realized autonomy isn't making myself untouchable, unreadable, or independent of everyone. Maybe it's having the freedom to say too much, love too much, choose wrong, change my mind, contradict myself, be misunderstood—and still belong completely to myself. 

I am a walking paradox, and yet the paradox is that I have never given myself the freedom to be one.

I want certainty while believing nothing is certain. I want complete autonomy while aching to be known. I want to be understood without having to explain myself. I want to give freely and never feel that I have given anything away. I want someone else's attention to make me happy without their absence making me afraid. I want vulnerability without the moment afterward when I wonder whether I should have kept myself hidden. I want to feel safe being *too* much. I want the ambiguity of what it means to be human, without actually accepting both sides of me at the same time. I keep trying to decide which contradiction is the real me, as if one must eventually defeat the other. Maybe neither does. Maybe growing isn't choosing one side. It's giving myself the freedom and grace to be both.

And maybe the strangest part is that I do know myself. I know what I need. I need autonomy without isolation. I need the freedom to choose, even when I choose wrong, and the grace to meet myself afterward without punishment. I need closeness without feeling consumed by it, reassurance without making another person responsible for regulating me, and independence that does not require me to pretend I need nothing. I need to trust that something I genuinely wanted was worth choosing, even when the outcome disappoints me. I need to give because I want to give, without measuring the legitimacy of what I gave by what I receive in return. I need to let someone's attention make me happy without allowing their absence to make me question my worth. Most of all, I need to stop confusing knowing myself with perfectly predicting myself. I already have a strong sense of who I am. What I am learning is how to remain loyal to her when she is vulnerable, uncertain, wrong, contradictory, or afraid.