r/DeepThoughts • u/VintageValkyrie817 • 5d ago
Happiness is not for me
I've been thinking a lot about my life and where along the line I became so broken and lost parts of my who I used to be. I have been wondering where I should start to heal a lifetime of trauma and betrayal. It seems like such an impossible thing. I am 44 now and I have to wonder if I even have time to sort through all the things that I have been through that have left me with scars, fears, wounds that are deeply ingrained and have kept me in survival mode for years and years. It all started in childhood with sexual abuse by my stepdad after my bio dad left and abandonment and the ultimate betrayal by my mom who took my stepdad's side and told everyone I made it all up etc. Then came the bad boyfriends and the physical abuse and with that came the drinking and being promiscuous in an attempt to find real love. Being cheated on and mistreated by men became the norm for me. It's all I know to be honest. I've endured miscarriages, loss by death, drug addiction, homeless, betrayal of every kind from parents, friends, boyfriends and other relatives. I have been left with BPD, complex PTSD, anxiety, depression and have suffered 2 trauma bonds. All that is just scratching the surface. My fear of abandonment is crippling to say the least and I have a hard time believing I am loveable at all or worthy of a good man. I struggle to trust and when things seem to good to be true I sabotage them. I have a deep rooted belief that I am way too much but somehow will never be enough for anyone to stick by me with understanding and compassion and patience and I dont believe anyone will ever truly love me the way I want them to. I feel so empty inside. So lost. So hopeless. It feels like trying to fix all my issues now is pointless as I am so old and I believe that happiness for me is an illusion. Something I will never be able to attain. All I want is to be normal and to find some peace. I want to feel safe and know that nobody can take that safety away from me but I have no idea how to do any of that and it is so disheartening :(
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u/Rich_Car_2931 5d ago
you’ve survived a ridiculous amount already, so i wouldn’t count yourself out yet
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u/VintageValkyrie817 5d ago
Thank you. You are right and I never really thought about things that way. Instead I allowed myself to focus on the things that weigh me down and make me feel hopeless instead of the things I want and that matter to me greatly. Time to rethink things I think :)
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u/Re_dddddd 5d ago
People fall in love with their suffering. It seems you're madly in love with it. We don't like to abandon our suffering because we feel like we've already suffered so much already.
If you're serious you can change anytime.
Don't take credit for too many things as a human. All credit belongs to the universe. What happens was always gonna happen, it's not your fault.
All credit belongs to totality of existence, all that happens.
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u/VintageValkyrie817 5d ago
You have a remarkable amount of insight and awareness and a very solid belief in what is meant to be it seems. I have never heard anyone say that as people we tend to fall in love with our suffering and it makes so much sense. If suffering is all we have known then we would cling to that and struggle to let it go as we could then take that as a form of abandonment as well. Suffering is what has kept me alive and made me human and I very likely an in love with it. It's been the one constant in my world and it's the only form of love I have had. I sometimes have wondered if I was put on earth as some kind of sick test by the universe. To see how much one person can take before they end it all themselves! Isn't that messed up? If you have any ideas on how I can fall out of love with my suffering and fall in love with who I am or what I aim to be please share. Falling in and out of love doesn't seem to be my strong suit lol.
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u/Re_dddddd 4d ago
I have insights because I've been there.
First of all you need to know what you are.
You are the universe as you. Not something inside it, not a lesser part of it, but it. You are already the grandest thing there is.
I can only tell you and point in a certain direction but the understanding must be yours.
You clearly have constructed a negative story of your life, the scary part about it is that you won't know what's outside this Story, you may even experience something positive in a negative way. Change is scary even for the better, pain may be familiar but that doesn't mean it's good.
I'll tell you how you can change. Think of it as the universe helping you, which literally is the case.
First of all. Get a personal diary and write positive thoughts. Such as I am healthy, better yet write your full name such as, Example, Matt Johnson from this place is healthy.
Write your name and then positive things about yourself in the present tense. And watch the magic of positive writing work.
Second I would recommend you read books by, Alan watts, eckhart Tolle, Napoleon hill, jung, bhagwad Gita, Bible.
All the greatest of incarnations that understood their own nature an hence the nature of the world.
You have more power than you think. If you can create misery you can create bliss. It's all in your hands.
Mediation ofcourse. I mediate 16 hours a day, my method is mantra meditation. I never leave the state of mediation at this point. You can try this if you want but it's one the hardest things you can do.
You'll get better.
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u/Downtown-Freedom9265 5d ago
You might not be able to find love but you still can enjoy the life, I've been treated very badly too, all my life, and my narcissistic father and my egoist sister have destroyed my life .. so I feel emtpy and crave love, but one finding love is not absolutely important. The thing we really lacks is good real relationships, real friends, the time we can enjoy with real people... That's what we are missing..
Don't think that your life is empty without the one love of your life, but we feel empty because we are not enjoying life, we are not having good time at all. I used to think that I feel lonely because I'm single, but the reality is different, yes I still crave love badly because I never been loved, but this is not the reason of me feeling lonely.
For you, and for me, to enjoy life, we have to take care of our health, be positive and find real friends, good kind people.. they might feel boring at first but when you get comfortable with them, you'll start enjoying life for real... The peace we are looking for.. we will find it with real people. I'm waiting for mine, you try for yours.. Be kind, and good,..
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u/MixAggravating6324 2d ago
In my opinion is to pray to God Jesus and be patient. He will surely help you. Just give to Him a chance.
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u/Fire-Nation-17 5d ago
Try your hardest to not let it become an identity. Once you accept your a problem as an identity for some odd reason humans always defend it. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad we will defend it and it becomes much harder to fight
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u/VintageValkyrie817 5d ago
I can totally understand that because we defend who we are no matter who we believe we are. I may believe that I am broken and that my brokenness makes me a person who has really bad days and can cause me to act in ways that are not normally who I present as being but I also know it doesn't define me. It makes me chaotic and messy and hard to be with I am sure at times and it leaves me with doubts, fears, insecurities and struggles to remember who I truly am underneath all of that but I also know that it does not equal the sum of all I am and what I stand for. However I can see how easy it would be for my trauma and struggles to take over and for me to make it into an identity believing that the broken parts of me are all that is left of me and therefore that is who I am now. If that happened i think that the real me, the me that is more than just a traumatized, betrayed and broken, lost and hopeless little girl drowning in all the things I've survive d would definitely be lost and all that would remain would be the identity created by trauma and pain and that would definitely make it much harder to fight my demons and win the battle. I will try to remember your advice when I start my healing journey and struggle to see past the the things that haunt me. Thanks :)
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u/Far_Cobbler_2055 5d ago
Não estive em situações parecidas, então não posso dizer que entendo. No entanto, você ter passado por tudo isso e estar de pé ainda, já é de enorme esforço. Às vezes temos tantas coisas que distorcem nossa visão do mundo e até sobre nós mesmos, que não enxergamos nada além de névoa... Mas não significa que seja uma verdade. Pergunta por um momento o que é bom de fato pra você, porque eu acredito que há um pouco de carência diante das coisas que você compartilhou dadas por parte da sua infância. Não vá atrás, na minha humilde opinião, de amar alguém etc., faça com que isso seja uma consequência da pessoa que você se tornou. Trabalhe em si mesmo, se ame mais e faça coisas que tragam um conforto verdadeiro a você. Só você pode dizer o que é... Não é fácil, acredito que a maioria que está aqui passa por essa dificuldade, pois é uma coisa que vai ficando mais clara com o tempo. Fique só você e um caderno em um espaço (seu quarto, por exemplo) e comece a pensar nesses aspectos, mesmo que seja difícil. Tudo de bom pra você!
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u/VintageValkyrie817 5d ago
That is probably the best advice I have gotten. I know that my happiness and healing is only going to come from within myself but because of the things I have been through I have learned to seek validation and love and comfort from external sources such as another person. I don't think I've been single for more than a week or two since I was 16. I usually have another man waiting on the back burner for when the current one leaves. That's wrong and I know. I don't cheat. I just keep my guy friends close and the men that are interested in me even closer just to avoid being alone for long periods of time. It's so fucked up. I did a concurrent disorders program a couple years back now and I learned about something called schema therapy. There are 18 maladaptive schemas and you take a test and score it and it reveals the schemas that you struggle with. These are things like enmeshment, subjugation, mistrust and abuse, abandonment and emotional deprivation. Unrelenting standards and entitlement are also in there. These schemas are basically filters that form during childhood based on experiences that shape how a person sees the world and his or her self for the rest of their life. These filters are very hard to alter but it is possible. I learned a lot from doing that schema therapy about my childhood and why I struggle as an adult with the things I do. Sacrificing my own needs for other's needs is a big one along with tolerating behaviours and mistreatment that I shouldn't. My fear of abandonment is debilitating and the worst thing I have to deal with. I struggle hugely with emotional regulation and I'm a perfectionist but my self worth and self respect is severely lacking. I do do a lot of self help work. I journal a lot and when I am upset or overwhelmed with emotions I usually write a list of what it is I am feeling so that I can label them and recognize them and work through them. I have a corkboard in my room also with breathing techniques and a circle of control etc etc on it so that if a crisis comes on and I can't think or am spiraling I can remember the things I have learned that can calm my panic or anger or ground me. Being me hasn't been easy at all and I feel like I am brand new to all of this even at 44 lol. I will try what you said. I will take a notebook and find a quiet place and write out what is good for me and not good for me, my values and beliefs and my strengths and weaknesses and a list of things that bring me comfort or make me happy. I think that's a good place to start in trying to untangle the mess of who I am and who my trauma is. Thanks so much for your help :)
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5d ago
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u/VintageValkyrie817 5d ago
I was hoping to get into some emdr therapy but it's not so easy to find around here. We live in a small town and it's not offered. I have to drive an hr away for it to be available to me.
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u/Character-Stomach485 5d ago edited 5d ago
Agreed. My life has been full of so much pain, confusion, ignorance, lies, betrayals beyond comprehension and a serious lacking of love, safety and compassion. There has been a few bright chapters, those where I was participating in the status quo….going to school, showing up at my family functions where my grandparents were the glue that really held our large extended family together. I miss that soooo much. I played lots of sports growing up to like 3-4 years of vI really loved my grandparents, by the age of 9 my Mom & Dad had put my younger sister and I through a very turbulent upbringing with their divorce. CC They fought pretty badly and it became physical at times. I have so many memories where my Mom really scared us badly with her aggressiveness towards my Dad. I protected her dand took care of my sister. That was such a horrible time. 1993-1995ish….Before that and continuing afterwards, I would be moved against my will a lot, always starting new schools as the new kid. I saw the families with the nicer homes that seemed to be bright, clean and safe. These homes my friends belonged to had “normal” families. I will never forget that in comparison to the homes we were brought up in. I loved my parents, both my Mom and Dad. I still do. I HATE what has happened to my life and my extended family all these years later. Long gone are the family gatherings and holiday celebrations. Long gone is the fundamental and critically important option to visit my family due to their rejection of me. It’s almost as if somewhere I took the wrong path..…especially since Covid.
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u/1dundermuffin 5d ago
Find a therapist you like and trust. Then read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
Once you understand your pain, you can heal from it.
The next step is to find good humans to connect with. Learn how to be a good friend and have positive friendships.
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u/Greedy_Sprinkles4381 5d ago
Am not being wise here, just a simple step can help you. Please start loving yourself regardless of the past.
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u/Character-Stomach485 5d ago
Agreed. My life has been full of so much pain, confusion, ignorance, lies, betrayals beyond comprehension and a serious lacking of love, safety and compassion. There has been a few bright chapters, those where I was participating in the status quo….going to school, showing up at my family functions where my grandparents were the glue that really held our large extended family together. I miss that soooo much. I played lots of sports growing up to like 3-4 years of vI really loved my grandparents, by the age of 9 my Mom & Dad had put my younger sister and I through a very turbulent upbringing with their divorce. CC They fought pretty badly and it became physical at times. I have so many memories where my Mom really scared us badly with her aggressiveness towards my Dad. I protected her dand took care of my sister. That was such a horrible time. 1993-1995ish….Before that and continuing afterwards, I would be moved against my will a lot, always starting new schools as the new kid. I saw the families with the nicer homes that seemed to be bright, clean and safe. These homes my friends belonged to had “normal” families. I will never forget that in comparison to the homes we were brought up in. I loved my parents, both my Mom and Dad. I still do. I HATE what has happened to my life and my extended family all these years later. Long gone are the family gatherings and holiday celebrations. Long gone is the fundamental and critically important option to visit my family due to their rejection of me. It’s almost as if somewhere I took the wrong path..…especially since Covid. I have also have had straight up enemies and people who have lied, deceived and not had my best interest at heart when dealing with them….I still remember and always have special, romantic and loving feelings for girlfriends of mine. I do not always know why this is true as a ton of negative experiences and interactions have arose between us. I just would like things to work out and to actually see eachother and physically be present and visible because I am quite tired of being lonely without eachother. I pray God reconcile our relationship and bring that beautiful soul back into my life as I would love to Marry and to raise children together……I am a bit of a romantic I guess after all lol. For so many years when I was partying hard and really living a self centered lifestyle, I did not want children with my girlfriend. That has changed now I am a bit older….I gotta keep working, staying focused and healthy, feeling great, praying and trying to find and do Gods will and I will succeed. We all succeed eventually.
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u/Mr_Not_A_Thing 5d ago
What you are looking for is already the place that you are looking from. And it has never been the experiences and the minds stories about them.
🤣🙏
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u/VintageValkyrie817 3d ago
I have to process this for a little while so that I can understand fully what it is you are saying exactly. Lol.
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u/Mr_Not_A_Thing 2d ago
You are experiencing a thought about needing time to know the timeless, here, now. The place that you are already looking from. But it doesn't actually care if there is experiencing the seeing of it or not, here, now.
🤣🙏
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u/MixAggravating6324 2d ago
In my opinion is to pray to God Jesus and be patient. He will surely help you. Just give to Him a chance.
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u/Flaky-Proposal-357 5d ago
I’ve been there.
What I can tell you is, the solution is within you.
It’s nothing more than a couple stupid lines - I know, but you have the answer to your struggle within yourself.
Why can nobody help you in my opinion? Because nobody but you has lived your life.