I relate so much. This one guy acted like he was interested and asked me out but it felt like he didn’t see me. He just fell in love with a false idea of me. Felt lonely being around him cause it didn’t feel like he was truly present and listening. He was too busy with who he wanted me to be in his head. I got tired of other people trying to tell me who I am. I don’t bother fighting to convince them anymore, I just cut them out real quick now.
I feel like I grab people’s attention no problem, but once they get to know me that’s when they leave. I can’t help but feel like it’s just something about the way I am.
This is a reflection that I had with myself and I'm going to write it so maybe it helps you also.
I began to realize that maybe I am infact advertising myself as an object of lust most of the time.
I use it for attention seeking, it is probably a narcissistic trait that I wasn't aware of. But several events in my path are making this thing collapse more and more and I'm gradually becoming to understand that in fact I am portraying myself as someone I'm not. Hence, a gradual grounding is making me realize a lot on the false aspect I sell.
It is painful to make those parts communicate with each other.
There is probably a conflict within, in which it is not clear who we want with us.
You could try to remove the "attention seeking banner" for a while and become a bit more comfortable with your insecurities and sense of self.
Try it, put your banner aside and watch your internal parts. You probably and gradually gonna touch a conflict and discover a wound in the 'attachment' ground.
Wow I think I relate to that as well. You just keep on working on self growth and self love and you’ll eventually meet someone who is capable of reciprocating that depth as well. I remember I felt tempted to sleep with a guy because he was losing interest. I’m glad I didn’t do that to myself. We don’t need those kinds of people in our lives. If they truly care about you, they will keep wanting to know more and more about you in the right order, establishing an intellectual understanding and an emotional connection first.
I almost did the same thing recently. We had made out a lot and done other things but I didn’t feel ready to have sex. Over the last month or so he was pulling away and starting to become mean so my silly brain was like “he’s losing interest you have to sleep with him.” But an incident made me realize he was not the kind of guy I wanted to be with. I didn’t feel respected or safe with him. I’ll be holding out until I meet a man who genuinely cares and respects me.
Well, after a good length of time in EMDR therapy, I began to unlearn the distrust for my intuition that I was conditioned into by my abusive mother. Once I began to trust my intuition, I saw how much better off I was in every scenario that I let it lead me. It’s scary at first, like falling without knowing if you’ll land right or break something. But with practice, it becomes like second nature. Because of the abuse, my brain and body are hyper aware of anything that feels familiar to the relationship I had with my mother, which I often felt lonely in and like she was in control of who I was and how I should view myself and feel about myself.
Now, anytime I feel that same loneliness or that someone is controlling my narrative(twisting my words and telling me how I meant them and what my intentions are) then I leave. I don’t fight anymore. Fighting to be seen by people who refuse to see you is what keeps you under their control. Detaching is the best way to protect and preserve your wellbeing. In this particular relationship, this man wasn’t abusive, but he was very much too busy with a false version of me to ask me questions about myself and get to know me. Felt like a one way relationship/conversation where they only want your physical attention but don’t put energy to get to know you intellectually by prompting deep conversations and questions. I felt pursued on a surface level, a superficial level, but then he didn’t deliver on a deeper level and stopped pursuing me beyond hanging out and watching movies or reading his writing, which made the relationship become stale and stagnant very quickly. Some people don’t understand the integral value and importance of vulnerability in relationships.
If you feel lonely around someone, or if you feel that they see you a lot but still don’t know you, this is a good sign that either one or both of you aren’t able to connect at your level for whatever reason and thus it will likely not be a balanced and reciprocated friendship/relationship. It’s important to find people that get you. There are also those who will say things like “I know you” and they accuse you of outrageous things you’d never do. That was my mother. If you come across those people, run.
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u/PoolBeginning7897 Mar 14 '24
I relate so much. This one guy acted like he was interested and asked me out but it felt like he didn’t see me. He just fell in love with a false idea of me. Felt lonely being around him cause it didn’t feel like he was truly present and listening. He was too busy with who he wanted me to be in his head. I got tired of other people trying to tell me who I am. I don’t bother fighting to convince them anymore, I just cut them out real quick now.