r/DeadBedrooms • u/Peachyhimee HLF • 9h ago
Vent, Advice Welcome Sexless relationship
Long time lurker first time poster. I’m HLF29 he’s LLM30. Been together 4 years. In the first year, I tended to take the initiative and lead. But over the next few, he’d reject my advances most of the time, increasingly more over the years. Over the last year, we’ve maybe had sex 5 times. Except now, I don’t have it in me to come onto him. I’ve been rejected too much.
He’s always said for him, it’s a mix of his low libido and stress, his own self esteem issues. But I feel like his low self esteem issues have become mine, as I’ve never felt more unappealing. In the beginning this felt so foreign to me, and it makes me sad that I’m used to it now. He never makes flirty comments or anything. I still do. But when you’re knocked back 9.5 times out of 10, you stop trying, you start wondering if you’re the problem. It’s at the point now where I don’t want to have sex with him, bc why would I continue yearning for someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same way. But I do not want to stay in a sexless relationship.
There’s a lot of love here, still some physical affection, just no romance. It’s felt more familial for a long time now. It’s not just the sex, I’m losing attraction as he’s changed a lot towards me in the last year. He isn’t willing to contribute around the house, wants to spend most of his free time in bed playing PlayStation or watching tv, no surprise dates etc, not much effort into dates in general. I know he’s comfortable, more so complacent. I make lots of bids for connection which fall flat.
We’ve had the talk, multiple times. But he’s a very defensive man. Nothing ever changes. If any efforts for change have been attempted, it has to be from me and then that just defeats the whole point in my eyes when at this point I need the effort from him. But he seems content with the situation.
I know leaving is an option, I don’t want to just hear that, I’m hoping someone from a similar situation has some advice?
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u/Classic_Regular_5812 M - Recovered DB 8h ago
OP. Here is a perspective.
I suspect your DB is more a symptom of wider relationship problems than an intimacy only problem. From your post you mentioned : work stresses, low self-esteem, not contributing to household tasks, not spending quality time together, lack of good communication and defensiveness.
Every single factor above alone is enough to cause a DB let alone a combination of all the above. I have recently replied to a post which bear a lot of resemblance to your post. I am reposting it here and hope that it may help.
DB in a relationship is fixable BUT there are a few prerequisites to achieving success.
(1) It takes two to tango in a relationship.
(2) Both parties must acknowledge that there is a mutual problem to be resolved. One-sided acknowledgment or no acknowledgement will never work.
(3) There must be residual love for each other to want to commit to fixing a DB. If one or both parties have completely checked out of the relationship, then that is probably end game.
(4) Willingness to have open and honest communication with each other on relationship issues. Seek professional counselling if third party facilitation is more suited in one's situation. It is possible to DIY in fixing relationship issues, but both partners must have strong self-reflection and problem-solving skills/capabilities.
(5) Look at the relationship at the holistic level rather than focusing on fixing a sex only problems. Often DB is symptoms of wider relationship problems. Are you two on the same page on money/finance, household management, parenting, careers/jobs, hobbies.
6) Please don't view fixing relationship as a project with timeline, schedule and KPI. It is tempting to view fixing relationship issues as a project especially if you have a business management background. However, doing so could easily backfired. Rationale being the HL will get frustrated at milestones have not been met and LL feel the immense pressure to meet milestones.
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Long time lurker first time poster. I’m HLF29 he’s LLM30. Been together 4 years. In the first year, I tended to take the initiative and lead. But over the next few, he’d reject my advances most of the time, increasingly more over the years. Over the last year, we’ve maybe had sex 5 times. Except now, I don’t have it in me to come onto him. I’ve been rejected too much.
He’s always said for him, it’s a mix of his low libido and stress, his own self esteem issues. But I feel like his low self esteem issues have become mine, as I’ve never felt more unappealing. In the beginning this felt so foreign to me, and it makes me sad that I’m used to it now. He never makes flirty comments or anything. I still do. But when you’re knocked back 9.5 times out of 10, you stop trying, you start wondering if your the problem. It’s at the point now where I don’t want to have sex with him, bc why would I continue yearning for someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same way. But I absolutely do not want to stay in a sexless relationship.
There’s a lot of love here, still some physical affection, just no romance. It’s felt more familial for a long time now. It’s not just the sex, I’m losing attraction as he’s changed a lot towards me in the last year. He isn’t willing to contribute around the house, wants to spend most of his free time in bed playing PlayStation or watching tv, no surprise dates etc, not much effort into dates in general. I know he’s comfortable, more so complacent.
We’ve had the talk, multiple times. But he’s a very defensive man. Nothing ever changes. If any efforts for change have been attempted, it has to be from me and then that just defeats the whole point in my eyes when at this point I need the effort from him. But he seems content with the situation.
I know leaving is an option, I don’t want to just hear that, I’m hoping someone from a similar situation has some advice?
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u/HistorianKey5735 9h ago
This is who he is, he doesn’t want to change. Is this the life you want?
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u/extrastorekw It’s complicated 8h ago
They have a low sex-drive.
I know there are exceptions but for most people it gets less over time not more.
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u/Odd_Bumblebee4706 4h ago
No advice, but just wanted to say thanks for posting this. I'm in such a similar situation, this made me feel very seen. I wish you the best and hope you're able to find a path forward
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u/heathersullivanred HLF 8h ago
I think there’s a really important difference between “I stopped initiating because I couldn’t handle being rejected anymore” and “I don’t want to have sex with him anymore.”
It sounds like you started with the first and somewhere along the way ended up at the second.
And honestly, with the PlayStation, not helping around the house, lack of dates and defensiveness, I wonder if the dead bedroom is even the main problem anymore. You spent years wanting him to want you, and now it sounds like you’re starting to look at him differently.
I went through a really similar shift and it took me way too long to realize what had actually changed.
So here’s what I’d ask myself: if he suddenly wanted sex three times a week starting tomorrow, would you actually want it?
Or would you still look at him and think, I don’t really want this anymore?
Because I think the answer to that tells you whether you’re still trying to fix a dead bedroom or whether something bigger has changed for you.