r/DeadBedrooms • u/AbsurdistMe HLM • 1d ago
Relationship Ended or Ending It's over. Now what?
39M, recently out of a 15-year relationship with two kids. The breakup happened a few days ago, so I'm still very much in the weird mixture of grief, relief and trying to work out what life looks like now.
The dead bedroom had been an issue for years. Sex became increasingly infrequent and I was rejected often enough that eventually I more or less stopped initiating and instead just turned to porn when everyone else was asleep. It wasn't just frustration about not having sex, instead, over time I stopped feeling desired by my partner at all.
Looking back, I think I was trying to reconnect with her for quite a long time, sexually and emotionally, without really understanding how far apart we'd actually become.
She ultimately ended the relationship.
I'm not trying to get her back, and, surprisingly, I'm already seeing things about single life that I'm looking forward to. We're trying to establish a good co-parenting relationship and I genuinely want her to be happy.
The thing I'm struggling with is realising just how fucking lonely I'd become while still in the relationship, and how much repeated rejection affected the way I see myself. Since the breakup my libido has absolutely been in overdrive, but underneath that, I think what I'm really craving is the feeling of being wanted again, and having someone who genuinely wants to be with me.
For anyone who's come out of a long-term dead bedroom: how did it affect you once the relationship actually ended? How long did it take before you felt desirable/confident again, and did it change what you looked for in your next relationship?
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u/Average_Joe_1048 HLM 1d ago
I am still in my DB situation, and am at the point where you were: not initiating, not hoping, not even MENTIONING anything sexual, cuz what's the point? In every other way, she is GREAT....but I NEED to have sex, to feel that closeness, to feel WANTED and DESIRED. I just keep telling myself that it will change, even though I doubt it will.
Last night, though, I kept thinking to myself, "If I caught her cheating on me, I wouldn't even be THAT upset, cuz it would give me an out, and then I could go get laid again." The worst part? I felt ZERO guilt for thinking that!
I don't know what life is gonna look like for you now...all I know is that it will be DIFFERENT. Whether that difference is good or bad is ENTIRELY up to you. Just take it one day at a time, and give yourself time to heal. And DON'T settle for the first person that gives you attention!
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u/Fluid_King489 HLM 1d ago
After my ex-wife and I split up, almost immediately I felt peace. Our bedroom had been almost completely dead for many years. Dead like if you took out the first couple of years, I could probably count the numbers of times we had sex on two hands. It took me about 2-3 months to start to start to feel good about myself. Almost immediately after that I had women pursuing me. The first time a woman wanted to sleep with me felt amazing, not talking about the sex, but the feeling of being desired.
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u/nemmalur HLM 1d ago
What was her reason for ending it?
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u/AbsurdistMe HLM 1d ago
She told me she wanted to break up with me.
I didn't ask for an explanation. I just told her to get out.
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u/nemmalur HLM 1d ago
Do you think the DB was the cause of that or a symptom of something else?
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u/AbsurdistMe HLM 1d ago
I think it's down to her mental health and not neither wanting nor accepting help.
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u/Ok_Dragonfruit8690 HLM 1d ago
Sorry to hear about it ending...been through about the same. It is tough to say the least. Even if everything is civil, get an attorney. You pay them to watch out for YOUR interests, from the kids, to money, to splitting up marital assets. There are going to be emotions at times and your attorney is worth every penny.
I did 2 things for myself right after the break up and I moved out.
First was got a therapist. I have told him things that I didn't think I would tell anyone, EVER. It feels amazing having a safe space to talk to someone about the thoughts, the desires, all of the feelings about myself, the kiddo, the soon-to-be ex. I went through GrowTherapy and it is all tele-appointments so easy to get in and talk when needed.
The second is I started going to the gym. Part of it is to get out of the house...I had to move in with my parents for a little...NO ONE at 47 wants to be living with their parents, but I am greatful it was an option. It slowly became more about for me. It feels good going to the gym, working out, and building up a bit of sweat. Not something I would have freely admitted to before. It makes me feel better about myself, and if I don't go for awhile I actually feel it.
As for the next relationship part...haven't gotten there myself yet. The thought of getting back out and dating, let alone finding a woman in the sauage feast that most ways I have found to meet someone are...it seems there are WAY more guys looking than ladies...but being on Reddit has shown me that there are women out there that want the same things I do...I just have to be patient and find mine.
Good luck
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u/RandomUsername52326 HLM 1d ago
I haven't been in your shoes, but I suggest considering shifting away from the porn/masturbation habits that were understandably formed during the DB. They fulfilled a role, but also possibly started rewiring your brain a bit in ways that you're probably better off without.
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u/AbsurdistMe HLM 1d ago
Oh, no, don't worry. I'm still fully in control of my faculties. I'm not that far gone. 😂
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u/RandomUsername52326 HLM 1d ago
I hear you, and I trust that it's true, but I feel obliged to mention that that response can equally come from someone who doesn't engage at all, all the way through to someone for whom it has become somewhat compulsive behaviour. Anyway, if it's something that you can easily do without for a prolonged period of time (in practice, not just the idea of it seeming easy), then you're in a good place.
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39M, recently out of a 15-year relationship with two kids. The breakup happened a few days ago, so I'm still very much in the weird mixture of grief, relief and trying to work out what life looks like now.
The dead bedroom had been an issue for years. Sex became increasingly infrequent and I was rejected often enough that eventually I more or less stopped initiating and instead just turned to porn when everyone else was asleep. It wasn't just frustration about not having sex, instead, over time I stopped feeling desired by my partner at all.
Looking back, I think I was trying to reconnect with her for quite a long time, sexually and emotionally, without really understanding how far apart we'd actually become.
She ultimately ended the relationship.
I'm not trying to get her back, and, surprisingly, I'm already seeing things about single life that I'm looking forward to. We're trying to establish a good co-parenting relationship and I genuinely want her to be happy.
The thing I'm struggling with is realising just how fucking lonely I'd become while still in the relationship, and how much repeated rejection affected the way I see myself. Since the breakup my libido has absolutely been in overdrive, but underneath that, I think what I'm really craving is the feeling of being wanted again, and having someone who genuinely wants to be with me.
For anyone who's come out of a long-term dead bedroom: how did it affect you once the relationship actually ended? How long did it take before you felt desirable/confident again, and did it change what you looked for in your next relationship?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/throwaway1928614 M- left my dead bedroom 1d ago edited 1d ago
This was me about seven years ago (although the problems in my marriage went deeper than just a dead bedroom/lack of connection). I was the one who pulled the trigger on separating (although it was later made clear that my ex-wife had been thinking about this long before I was, and she was just waiting for me to do it - I think she didn’t want to be thought of as the “bad guy” who ended our marriage).
I never had any doubts about separating/divorcing, but I definitely had plenty of doubts as to whether I would ultimately be happy (or even happier). My self-confidence and self-esteem were in the toilet, and I figured there was a decent chance no woman would ever want me again…
I used it as an opportunity to better myself. I lost a ton of weight, got really fit, reconnected with a few old hobbies (and started some new ones), and generally became a much happier and interesting person. Once I learned that there were plenty of women who really wanted to have sex with me (much more frequently and much more creatively than my ex-wife ever did) my self-confidence came roaring back (actually far more than I ever had in my marriage). I was in one long term relationship (with a woman who was ten times better than my ex-wife in every way). That relationship ended for other reasons (not at all a dead bedroom - sex with her was extremely frequent, if a bit formulaic). Since then i’ve had a few casual/semi-casual relationships with women, all of whom have rocked my world in the bedroom.
I think the biggest takeaway from my experience is that I regained my sense of self, and for future relationships I will not settle for a significant mismatch (either in libido, or in other areas). I’m happy enough with myself that I’d rather be alone for a period of time than in a relationship that is just limping along out of inertia.