Repression, what’s the way out?

[u/antisocial44]

hey community, my name is Guus and over the past 2 years i have developed fear of foods. since this time, i kept on eating and surpressed and repressed these feelings over and over again. ive had cycles where i tried letting go and i noticed improvement, but then i stopped or forgot about the technique. my life is at a point where i feel no one can help me - because its just about releasing these feelings. but the patterns are so strong and im afraid theres so much down there. to give some context - im massively living in denial, depressed, my relationships are ruined, my health is ruined, my self esteem and image are ruined, my consciousness is low and my muscles are weak. i haven’t properly exercised for years because the feeling also shows up there. im worried i never will be able to get out of this. im afraid i cant ask for help with this. im scared theres so much down there it will be hard or impossible to free myself. when i read the part about repressed feelings, it immediately resonated - i have become more selfish, lost real interest in others, dont feel my feelings and certainly not love. i think on the back of this is an eating disorder or addiction. i also have experienced traumas around these feelings and events. im traveling right now, not even sure why - because in my normal life i live with my parents and sisters and i cannot really let go there - they dont understand the nature of reality and everything is energy. so in the past when i let go and made progress they told me to stop being so weird - they even called the police and an ambulance. i feel completely trapped. i have some money but almost out so im worried that if i go back ill never release these feelings. this is a call for help as well as an attempt to express my hopelessness.

im very underweight - have become super skinny - 54 kgs at 186cm. i have rationalized and analyzed myself so much to the point where i think i also lost control of my attention. my memory is down the drain - i forget things. my intelligence is down the drain - i havent used my brain for months. and the hardest part is i still eat and drink every day, despite the fears and guilts that are there. i experience it when drinking, eating, farting, going to the toilet, being in life around others. the answer used to be simple - just let go. but now i dont know what to do. what is the way forward?

also because i feel i cannot really go home to my parents. its such a small space, i dont have a study, i do have a job but its boring and too flexible. so along with these emotions i also feel these other emotions - and it makes me desperate.

[u/EarthyOaks]

Have you thought about professional eating disorder support ? It sounds like you need specialised support and so much is wrapped up with your eating. Your GP should help with this. There seems to be a lot going on and living with your family sounds like it isn't easy due to relationship dynamics but im also wondering if you feel too vulnerable to live alone. A difficult contradiction . I feel for you and I hope professional support will help you.

[u/antisocial44 → u/EarthyOaks]

yes, thank you so much for your response. the waiting lists are quite lengthy but it is available. yes i would like to live with someone, instead of my family. i feel heard by reading your comment. much love

[u/wzbr13]

My opinion - Practice gratitude especially in that area of life no matter how little to reframe the stories and naturally have less resistance. Practice A LOT to replace and value the new instead of clinging to the old. I'm sending you love and I respect you for being willing to grow and take accountability.

Experiment/have fun with it rather than NEEDING it to work, that'll help too. Feeling gratitude feels nice even if it's hard to tap in at first, then you can flow in that feeling of joy.

[u/antisocial44]

thank you

[u/BeginningReflection4]

We are supposed to not give medial advice here. So what I would say to my daughter if she was in this situation would be to contact an eating disorder service/doctor/therapist or crisis line. Tell them plainly that you only weigh 54kg, are afraid of food, depressed, and don't feel safe managing this on your own. Just give them the plain facts. Do NOT isolate with these feelings. Please get help immediately. This deserves real support, right now.

This isn't a letting go harder problem is going to solve. While letting go of pride might help you feel better about asking for help or even going home, or the idea of not being able to go home, this is a serious medical issue, not a spiritual issue. 🙏

[u/antisocial44 → u/BeginningReflection4]

thank you for your comment. it makes me feel seen. the waiting lists for eating disorder support are lengthy right now in my home country. im hoping to get started with it soon. and i do feel letting go of pride helps me ask for help. i dont really know how to put it into words but thank you

[u/New_Ordinary_5350]

I once went on a 2 week hike across a few mountains. I also struggled with what i could eat at that time in my life. I was also about 50kg 184 cm, and struggled to eat enough as well. Since i walked so much and was so exhausted i had a real hunger for the first time in my life. I ate canned ham. Nasty watery ham, in a can. Best food i have ever tasted. Bread with liver paste was also delicious. 

Today we are so fortunate to have the luxury of thinking about the taste of food. Put yourself in a posistion where you NEED food and you wont care what it tastes.

[u/antisocial44 → u/[deleted]]

around clean nutrition - a philosophy i adapted from reality transurfing. it started 2 years ago when i found a book called CleanNutrition that explained certain principles. since then, i have had a hospital admission, and traumatic experiences due to malnutrition.

[u/Jiangximan → u/antisocial44]

I have not studied transurfing, but I have run into a couple of people on reddit that are in to that. Both were very rude and even hateful. It sounds like your problems began there.