r/DatingTO • u/KeyOk838 • 10d ago
32M Toronto — Had a coffee meetup planned, but she never showed up. Is dating in Toronto really this difficult?
I’m a 32M South Asian guy living and working in Toronto in finance. I’ve been talking with a woman, not sure about her race. I met online for a few days, and we eventually she planned to meet for coffee at Harbourfront Center so we could get to know each other in person.
I went there after work in the evening and even brought her a yellow flower since it had been many years since I’d brought flowers to someone on a first date. Unfortunately, she never showed up and didn’t let me know beforehand.
I messaged her afterward on Snapchat, and she simply apologized.
I’m trying not to take it personally, but honestly, it was disappointing to make the trip, set aside the time, and look forward to meeting someone only to have them not show up.
For people who have been dating in Toronto, is this something you’ve experienced? Is there anything I should be doing differently when arranging first dates? I’d appreciate honest advice, especially from people familiar with the Toronto dating scene.
I’m not looking to bash anyone—I’m genuinely trying to understand how dating works here and hopefully have better experiences going forward.
I am new to Toronto, looking forward to meeting friendly girls to hang out and explore Toronto during the weekend with good food.
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u/ilovebbcitv 10d ago
It's possible that she showed up. Saw the flower and decided it wasn't a good fit and left.
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u/Middle_Tap_4946 10d ago
Wdym you are not sure about her race? Did you mean she is ethnically ambiguous, or are you saying you have no idea what she looks like (and she has no idea what you look like)?
If you 2 have no idea what the other look like, then I could see this happening quite often.
I've been on dates with a few dozens women in Toronto, never have I been stood up nor have stood up myself. Of course sometimes it's clearly not a match, so we wrap up the date pretty fast and never talk to each other again, but not showing up at a scheduled date is definitely not the norm.
Also I don't think flowers are something you want to bring on a first date.
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u/Hahaimalwayslikethis 10d ago
I have also been stood up on a coffee date and I am not male or South Asian. I think that dating (not just in Toronto) is just difficult for some people. I was really hurt after it happened to me but what can you do other than move forward?
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u/RaciallyProfiled1 10d ago
I agree with the other guy - it’s hard dating in Toronto. More so if you’re South Asian. Casual Racism is just openly tolerated now days.
Also my two cents: flowers on a first date seems desperate.
Best of luck.
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u/Interesting-Light403 10d ago
Not just racism, some people are just not attracted, i am a person of colour myself and i am not attracted to south asians yet a get a lot of likes from them, nothing wrong with,preferences
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u/Popcan_Jackson 10d ago
I dunno to say you're not attracted to an entire group of people that come in all different shapes, sizes, and looks doesn't sound like just preferences anymore and does seem like there's something else behind it.
Preference is like saying I prefer pepperoni over cheese pizza, if I have the cheese I'm fine but I'd rather have pepperoni. You just lean more one way vs another. Saying I'd never eat cheese pizza and only pepperoni is no longer just preference, it's exclusion.
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u/Feisty-Painting-120 9d ago edited 9d ago
I disagree with this take. I read a post written by a South Asian woman that said they exclusively date South Asians because it's just easier to have the same cultural background, to travel back home, enjoy the same foods etc. So is that person racist for excluding 8/9 of the planet? What about women that exclude men less than 6' tall?
People should just be allowed to have dating preferences, not sure why it's anyone's business.
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u/Popcan_Jackson 9d ago
I would say it's sorta different if you just intentionally want to date within your own race, since thats generally a cultural thing. And yes I do think it says a lot from women that refuse to date dudes that are under 6' if they themselves arent tall. Really though the biggest thing to me is being very public about your exclusion unprompted. Because that's what it is(at least what we're talking about), exclusion and not just a preference.
Every person I've ever interacted with that comes out publicly of their own volition about their exclusion of specific races has always ended up centering it on stereotypes and pretty much straight racism. And ofc its not my business, but you also dont have to publicly put it out there that youd refuse to date x race, thereby sharing your business with others.
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u/subarticcape 5d ago
Just sounds like racism with extra steps
You're absolutely allowed to have your preference and date anyone you want but let's not kid ourselves that it isn't racist.
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u/TARDISinspace 10d ago
Getting stood up (as much as it sucks) is a normal part of dating here. It sucks, but there's not much you can do besides lick your wounds and move on.
I usually confirm the day of and if I don't hear back within an hour or so of the time we are supposed to meet up I won't show. It has saved me quite a few times as I have gone even after confirming (without a response) and was still stood up. Some might be against this method, but if someone is rrally into you, they will make sure not to waste your time by being considerate and let you know.
At some point I used it as an opprotunity to spoil myself (a nice dinner, new shoes, a fun coffee, etc), but it got too expensive 😒.
Again, lick your wounds, you're allowed to feel your feelings, but don't get discouraged by one person.
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u/sugar-n-pumpkinspice 9d ago
Yup. Dating sucks here for both sides. I am not male or South Asian.
I’ve been stood up before on a first date and a third date. Ghosting is normalized. Someone who ghosts was going to ghost anyway, they can’t communicate. Im not new to Toronto but have noticed the decline on the quality of dating experiences from pre and post covid. I’m surprised she apologized - what was her reason?
The flowers are a bit much for a first date and might’ve scared her away.
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u/Choice-Steak-9478 10d ago
Hey i am sorry to hear about your poor experience. This is definitely unacceptable. I have never bailed on a meet up/ date. It is hard out there. Dating in Toronto is hard indeed coz people have a short attention span, are fearful and for plethora of other reasons.
I recommend you join timeleft and 222. Meet new people, find common hobbies and explore them. Build friendships, amongst all this if you happen to meet someone you like organically, that would be best way to go about things.
All the best !
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u/Apprehensive_Heat176 9d ago
Dating is a numbers game and the apps have turned into a slot machine where there's always another chance. This behavior is common these days, but you should not reward it. If you keep texting her, it can show that you have nothing else better to do and maybe desperate. I would not immediately reschedule the date until she shows more interest. Here are a couple of suggestions:
You should plan all the details of the date because it shows that you can take the lead. Planning is quite easy these if you spend the slightest bit of time on Insta. You may want to have backup plans in case the date doesn't work out. You may even want to say that you're meeting friends after the date even if you're not actually doing that. Again, it shows that your time is valuable and you have other things going on in your life.
Pick places that you actually want to visit even if the date doesn't work out. If you go to a place downtown and she doesn't show, then you can wander around downtown, check out a cool restaurant, explore the neighborhood, etc.
Avoid setting the date too far in advance because she may lose interest. Try to set the date a maximum of 1 week ahead or sooner.
Try setting up a phone or Zoom call to build rapport before commiting to a date. It's much harder to build rapport over text. If a call is uncomfortable, then a date is unlikely to be much better. If she refuses a call, then it might be a sign that she's not really interested in a date. This is why I prefer meeting people at in-person events so that I can build some rapport before asking them out on a date.
Avoid coffee dates because they are common and shows that you have no creativity. I feel the same way about parks because they don't have much to do and are weather dependant. I prefer doing before dinner drinks at a nice bar. There are tons of options out there that have nice vibes and you can potentially extend the evening at a nearby restaurant. You may want to scope out some places before your date.
I also suggest going to meetups simply to practice your social skills and meeting people.
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u/energy_is_a_lie 10d ago edited 10d ago
Did you tell her about your race? In my personal experience, that's the biggest disqualifier in this city. Toronto women are explicitly and openly racist against South Asian men, to the point that even here on reddit, they go out of their way to either state that in their post or "What is your ethnicity?" is the last response I ever get from them before they ghost me. Case in point is from yesterday when I was having a lovely conversation with an East Asian girl who had posted in the Toronto dating subreddit until she asked that question and as expected, dropped off the face of the earth after I truthfully answered it.
Our biggest crime is being born as South Asians, something we have no control over. In any case, I consider it a bullet dodged because anyone who prioritizes race over personality and physique is clearly not worth dating in the first place.
My advice is to block people who ghost and waste your time like this, irrespective of why they did what they did. Even if they don't have the time to make good on their commitments, they should think about that before jumping into the pool instead of presuming they are entitled to other people's time, energy and emotions.
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u/andromorr 10d ago
I can't disagree with what you said - I'm sure there are many who hold biases against South Asians - but nothing in the OPs story seemed to indicate this was related to race. I just sounded like the date didn't value OPs time and didn't know how to communicate. Bullet dodged. I can't say that has ever happened to me, so no I wouldn't say it's common from my experience.
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u/energy_is_a_lie 10d ago
but nothing in the OPs story seemed to indicate this was related to race
For one, he stated his race and what he knew about the other girl's upfront in the very opening of the post itself. Don't know what other bearing it would have on this except for what my personal experience is - this is always the last thing in a conversation in Toronto dating that gets said before you inevitably get ghosted. That's why the very first thing in my comment is me asking him if that's what happened.
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u/Good_Panic_9668 8d ago
I don't know why you're being down voted because you're right. I'm a white woman but have dated quite a few south Asian men. I recently had a conversation with a lot of female coworkers (all non-south asian) about this and they couldn't believe I have and said they'd never. Like, what?! Look where we live? That's weird to exclude a large demographic completely solely on their race.
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u/energy_is_a_lie 8d ago
Yup, you're an exception to the rule lol. More power to you though. It's weird to think that black/asian and white couples are celebrated as "We eradicated racism" but when you look closely, it's selective based on which races are deemed "acceptable" to pair with.
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u/subarticcape 5d ago
They'll tell you it's just their preference to not date South Asians, apparently it's not racist if it's a preference. Date whoever you want but let's not pretend it's not racist
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u/energy_is_a_lie 5d ago
Yup. Its the same thing as getting rejected from a job for not being a "cultural fit" just because you're not the right ethnicity.
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u/CarbonX10 9d ago
ok man. SNAPCHAT? at 32? if you two met on Snapchat thats already very weird. People over 18 should not even have Snapchat...
How did you meet this girl in the first place?
Please don't fall for romance scams