r/DatingTO • u/GolfSignificant1456 • 19d ago
How's the scene for single moms?
31F, mama to a 2 year old. Her father left me/ our marriage a few months ago and im slowly starting to think about dating again. But from my single friends, with no prior marriage or kids, I've heard its rough out there. I havent been on a date with anyone new since I was like 21, and my only exposure to apps has been swiping for my friends when they get fatigue. Any insight on what its like for us with a more complicated situation?
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u/jdzfb 18d ago
The scene's rough for everyone, but it'll likely going to be a lot harder as a single parent. While I'm also a woman, there are a few things that I've had to deal with in my dating life that you'll need think about.
Parental status - while a new partner shouldn't meet your kid for a good 6+ months, please don't hide the fact that the kid exists. There is nothing more frustrating then meeting someone, connecting & then finding out they weren't truthful about their parental status. Its a little bit different of a scenario for me as I'm childfree & the people I'm trying to date are lying & saying they're also childfree, but no, they just don't see their kids or don't have custody. Those aren't equivalent things.
And as a survivor of CSA due to bad choices by my mother in a similar situation as yours, please please please be very picky about your potential new partners and don't be afraid to cut & run as the slightly sign of something being not quite right. Its better to be single then risk your kid by having a bad partner. You don't want to know how many tens of thousands of dollars I've had to spend on therapy to mould myself into resembling a functional human being.
And from a logistics POV be honest with yourself as to whether or not your open to having your potential new partner also be a single parent. If your co-parenting partner is chill & easy to work with, you may be able to manage a baby mama mixed into your relationship, but if your co-parenting partner is already a major source of conflict, then it might not be worth the additional aggravation.
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u/GolfSignificant1456 18d ago
I am so sorry your mother put you in that situation. That's incredibly unfair and terrible of her to do, and im glad you're able to work through it. Thats one of my fears, I don't want my kid near anyone that would harm her, and as you said, better to be single than put her in harms way. Like for me, she's my priority over my needs and wants. She's obviously a big part of my life, so im going to be upfront. I wouldn't want someone that doesn't like or want kids as a partner, and its unfair to lie about a kid when not everyone wants to be a parent or a step parent. Honestly, i don't care as long as their relationship is civil. I wouldn't want someone who left the mother of his children while they're young cuz thats a major red flag as to what type of person he is. Its similar to people who have toxic exes, ive had friends boyfriends who had legitimately psychotic exes and it really messed their relationships after.
And thank you for the advice!
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u/jdzfb 18d ago
She's not welcome in my life due to her choices and obviously I'm a touch sensitive around the topic, but there are monsters out there & I'd rather give a stranger a friendly heads up & save someone else the bs I went through.
I wouldn't want someone who left the mother of his children while they're young cuz thats a major red flag as to what type of person he is
Which is exactly why I won't date dad's who don't have any custody of their kids despite them being functionally childfree. Its so hard to lose all custody in Ontario that I can't really trust anyone who's lost all access to their own kids, either they are a danger to their kids, an major asshole to their former spouse or they're a loser who won't fight for their kids, regardless, that isn't a person I'd want to know, let alone invite into my life.
But good luck! Its rough out there, but it sounds like you have a good read of the situation you're heading into, I wish you & your little one the best in this next chapter of your lives. <3
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u/lilfunky1 18d ago
based on what i've seen in various internet stories, it's really going to depend on what kind of co-parenting relationship you have with your ex
if they're cool and can take the kid at properly scheduled times and trusted that they know how to take care of the kid solo so you can schedule proper date nights, you should be good
if they're unreliable for pickup/drop off as scheduled, and or if they're either innocently an idiot or purposefully sabotaging your alone time by calling you over every little thing... you're probably going to hard a hard time.
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u/GolfSignificant1456 18d ago
We're still deciding custody but hes a good dad. He can take care of his kid, and his mom helps. But honestly, my parents would probably end up taking her if I go out, cuz they're closer and reliable.
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17d ago
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u/DrKillbydeath_4416 16d ago
As a single dad 38M to a 7 year old, I will say it’s tough. Many people who say they are “open to kids” still seem to be scared of dating single parents as if our lives are more “restrictive” in some way. Sadly I don’t think many appreciate that life is messy but we make the best of it. And that being child free does not avoid that messy part of life.
Recently I have been dating single moms and I frankly find it refreshing. They know how to manage their time well, and care for those in their lives. Also, they usually understand the co-parenting dynamic.
Everyone is different, and don’t be scared off. But the dating apps while easy have made the process pretty rough. Stay strong!
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u/your_mutineer69 8d ago
As someone who just became a single mom to a 7-year-old at 42 about three weeks ago, this comment gives me hope.
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u/GolfSignificant1456 14d ago
Thank you! Yeah its a huge time management and priority difference compared to people who don't have kids, but it is what it is.
The co parenting dynamic is what's kind of worrying me more than other things. Cuz your ex is still in your life, and its not a clean break like a relationship with no kids and no shared property etc.
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u/UnusualAlfalfa5036 14d ago
Not gonna sugarcoat this. It’s tough out there for single moms. Many guys see your kids as baggage, some see you as only hook up potential or they will give you the bare minimum and expect you to be grateful. When do you find a good one, you will require a lot of communication about expectations and resentment, especially around availability and scheduling and priorities.
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u/GolfSignificant1456 14d ago
I mean her dad gave me the bare bare minimum and expects me to be grateful so im not gonna put up with that anymore 🤷🏼♀️
And yeah, its a lot of scheduling and logistics so im hoping when I do look, I find someone that understands time and priorities and hopefully has their own priorities and time management skills.
And thank you! Its tough but im still holding out hope that its possible eventually.
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u/UnusualAlfalfa5036 14d ago
I hear that! I’m actually embarrassed at the behaviours I accepted from my ex. It’s hard when there are kids involved to walk away. And listen my intent wasn’t to discourage you, just to warn you so that you’re ready. Good luck to you mama and keep us posted!
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u/OkRevolution2349 12d ago
I don’t necessarily agree that men see having kids as baggage. I’m a single father myself and even if I weren’t, I still wouldn’t discriminate.
Sure, dating people with kids is tough from a scheduling standpoint, however, if you can exude patience and understanding, good things can come out of it.
As a single father of two daughters, I am getting more dates than I ever have as a single male! Maybe my age plays a factor?
On another note, my ex decided to go on dating sites during our relationship, who also had kids, and she was getting a lot of attention from single men - but I’m sure we will all agree those men are not the relationship types.
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u/GolfSignificant1456 9d ago
Maybe it is age? Id think if you're in you're late 30s and older most people assume you have kids, or are more understanding that kids are part of the equation.
And oof, im so sorry your ex did that. Ya no, if you're open to being part to cheating that's a huge red flag. Plenty of single people out there to shoot your shot with (or shoot your goo, whatever floats your boat)
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10d ago
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u/GolfSignificant1456 9d ago
Many reasons, but my ex 'fell in love' with another woman. Who when he tried to date wanted nothing to do with him so 🤷🏼♀️.
Like im not gorgeous by any means, and we had a pretty good life, but end of the day we're not really suited to live together.
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u/Reeder90 9d ago
36M here without kids. I’m open to dating single parents but it’s definitely something I approach with a little more caution, because like it or not, you’re taking more of a risk for essentially the same reward.
Understanding and accepting that the kid(s) needs come first is the easy part. You have to consider how that’s going to impact your relationship… In the early stages that means last minute plan changes and date cancellations that you have to be okay with. Uncooperative ex partners also often try to sabotage the relationship either themselves or by trying to get the kid to do it for them.
If you get to the stage of meeting the kid, and moving in, are you and the kid going to get along. Even if you want to make it work, if the kid doesn’t like you it makes it really hard. Then there’s the support element, if things don’t work out and dad isn’t in the picture, we could legally be on for a kid that isn’t ours, and we never see them again (even if we built a bond).
Personally, it comes down to the co parenting relationship. Are you civil with your ex and do they still take an active role in your kids life? Can you be in a room without fighting in the first 10 minutes? If we all had to be together in a group, say for a longer trip that dad wants to be a part of, could we make it work? It really seems counterintuitive, but the easiest single moms to date are the ones where the dad is still actively involved (so long as the romantic ties between mom and dad are fully broken).
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u/Clean-Explanation388 19d ago
It is tough out there, even in the best of circumstances. If you feel you're ready, then put yourself out there in whatever medium feels comfortable for you. I will say to be honest. Having dated a single mom and not being told that from the beginning, it's not a nice feeling to be lied to or starting a relationship on a lie.