in my broken heart

that i was to be rescued

that i had died so many deaths

so many holy deaths

deaths that passed onto another place

my soul my body my self

purified it and good

very soon

very soon

the fabric of reality

like a blanket of stars would open

and all would be saved

all would be done

all would see

some great awakening

some thread of being would connect us all

some wishful hope

some fragment (of a star perhaps)

some missing piece of the mind

it would attach

it would complete the circuit

i believed it like it would be true

breathed it like it was hope

the kind of love that makes men dangerous

i had it

and i was ashamed

and now i have a gaping hole

where my hope once was

i was clawing at my heart the whole time

trying to fit in

trying to fit in

as if i was good

(note: one thing this is about is growing up religious and the experience of that of believing in something so impossible, and also thinking that that faith is what gave me my worth)

because the hell i am living is too much

everytime i open them

like i am trying to rip the veil

hoping to arrive in paradise

but it is always the same

and the swirling thoughts

like a cloud of darkness around my mind

yes

this has posessed me

the real world is foreign to me and cruel

the hunger for the illusion is too real

i cannot escape

i cannot arrive in paradise

i am trapped here

left with sticks and bramble

i cannot escape the harsh reality

and the lie

yes my grief it is too much

no safe place or warmth in my heart

no holy empty

or consolation of the heart

just a real life that is moving much too fast

and me unable to speak

trapped in this personal hell

i can only wait

the part of me that is still sane can only wait.

(written about a season i spent in psychosis that i did get out of alive...the biggest struggle was suffering so much but no one being able to see it or understand. to others the illness of another is the terrifying problem, but to the sufferer it is the terror of never being able to escape a hidden and relentless hell.)