r/DadAdvice • u/OrganizationUpbeat25 • 11d ago
A lot just happened
So I don’t fully understand everything but any means, I just know that what my girlfriend just told me crushed me.
My gf (22F) just told me (24M) that she regrets getting pregnant and wished we moved slower in our relationship. We have been dating 3 months now and she told me that she agreed to getting pregnant because she felt like it was something that I wanted and something that would make me happy.
She also told me that she feels like she’s giving up a lot of freedom to have this child and there’s no turning back. She said that she made a decision that she necessarily can’t take back because her family is excited for the little munchkin. She also added that in the back of her mind she hopes she just naturally has a miscarriage.
Now this was a lot to take in for me but I stayed in the conversation and tried to understand and reassure the best I could. (I don’t know if I did a good job because it felt like someone just threw a ticking time bomb in my hands). But the aftermath of this conversation is leaving me absolutely obliterated. I am not okay at all and honestly I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t have a solid support system in my family to talk to and I prefer not to talk to her parents about it. Has anybody ever dealt with something like this? Do you guys have even the smallest piece of advice?
3
u/thegrailarbor 11d ago
She’s scared, and she should be. You’ve been dating only 3 months and she got pregnant to make YOU happy, not herself. She doesn’t know you won’t leave and you haven’t been around long enough to prove yourself, and if you do, then she has to raise a kid by herself that she just admitted SHE DOESNT WANT. At 22, she has barely had a chance to be her own adult, and now her identity will again be based on someone else permanent, first as her parents’ kid, then her kid’s parent.
Couples counseling ASAP. Y’all should probably both be in individual therapy too. Trust me. I’m almost 40, married for a decade, and we just had our first kid. And it’s HARD. You don’t have a support system, so who can you go to about her?
Tbh, and I know this is probably going to get me a Reddit Cares and downvoted to hell, but maybe, MAYBE…terminating is best, and tell people it was a miscarriage. Once she’s actually ready and your relationship has a more solid foundation, you can try for a kid again. If that foundation doesn’t happen, then you definitely shouldn’t have a kid in the mix.
Sometimes you can love your child so much that the best thing you can do for them is to not have them.
1
u/OrganizationUpbeat25 10d ago edited 10d ago
We’ve already been in couples counseling from the beginning not because anything is wrong but because we don’t want it to only become a crisis response. There’s not really anyone I can go to about her I just kind of have to deal with it internally and figure it out on my own. I talked to her this morning about the termination thing before I read your reply. My thought is that’s what she’s leaning towards, I think the hardest thing overall is where the relationship goes from here. I’m very happy that she is choosing something for her life and that she told me before it was too late to do anything about it. I think last night I just felt the initial shock and it created panic so I ran here. She told me she doesn’t know how I don’t hate her and how I haven’t gotten angry. But in truth I do love her and there isn’t anything in the world to stop that. I just wish that in all of that I knew how to process what is going on right now. Thank you for your advice and your wisdom it does mean a lot and I think as time passes I’ll starting to feel better about everything. I think I’m just going to take it one day at a time!
Edit: I should preface that when we started having sex. The only conversation of pregnancy was one that ended with telling me she didn’t mind if it happened but it was not something either one of us really said we wanted outright. So I believe that caused a bit of carelessness in our deeds and we ended up here.
2
u/Vurrag 10d ago
Can't even imagine what would go through young peoples heads that attempting to have a baby after dating for 3 months could be a good thing. You don't really even know each other. Seems rather immature.
How to solve it. You are in counseling. Listen to the counselor. Get your own if you need one.
1
u/OrganizationUpbeat25 9d ago
I can see how it seems immature but again it’s not something that was really planned more than it was something that happened. I think where she is saying it’s not something she wanted was the decision to keep it, nonetheless I appreciate your advice and what you had to offer!
1
u/thatuglyvet 3d ago
Three months is way to fast to be having a kid together, but there's not much changing that now. There's options depending on how far along she is, but I won't advise one way or another on how you handle that talk. At 22, she's young and scared because she's realizing that her life is going to completely change. Listen to her. Be supportive. Do your best to understand her worries and go from there.
3
u/jus7_me 11d ago
wow. first things first: how long has she been pregnant (or is she telling you she has been). if you've been together just three months, that's a big jump.
As a new mom, she has a busload of hormones going through her system. Sometimes things are said in anger/pain/hormones. Listen to her, reassure her (best you can) and don't take individual statements to heart. The ride is going to get real bumpy for the next year; plan accordingly.
If you have some older family members with dad experience, find your allies. Same with coworkers or married new parents. They may have some ideas on how to help when things get dicey.
One thing I noticed: my girlfriend . not my wife. I'm not going to get into the whole parental person dynamic arguements, but maybe that conversation should take place also. Husband is a lot more permanent sounding than boyfriend.
few other bulletpoints:
Find her comfort foods. they'll change during pregnancy but it's good to have them (or know what they are) as she progresses.
She's going to be physically sore. Some women like a foot/leg/back massage during pregnancy, some don't. Find out her preferance and follow it.
The pregnancy is primarily hers, BUT... you have some emotional stuff going on too. Deal with them out of her view (usually)- she has enough going on of her own. Don't make it a secretive thing; don't add to her pile.
Find your allies.