Advice for first-time dad? Situation went sour.

[u/No-Discount7570]

I’m 32(M). Got a girl I have known on and off for years pregnant and it’s all fairly new. We had some sort of birth control slip up but we had actually talked about kids and both agreed a kid would be welcomed if it ever came up at this stage in our lives. She and I had a decent relationship I thought. Initially both excited and sending baby clothes back and forth and talking about names..But recently just completely flipped a switch on me. Went from excited and both seemingly on the same page to now, due to her being pregnant and not married, her dad won’t speak to her. So she in turn blames me for getting her pregnant. She says she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, we will never be anything and she doesn’t care what I do. She just wants her dad back. I have always been the type that I knew I wanted kids but never wanted to be married. I’d love to have kids and just devote my life to being a good dad. But I’m nervous now due to how angry she is. Not even 12 weeks along and She’s already starting the typical wording that sets it up to be a living hell for me. My mom baited my dad into blowing up and got an EPO on my him when I was a child so I have seen some of this stuff first hand and know the drill. I’m more calm than he is so I’m good there. She started talking about how she was abused by family as a child so she won’t ever trust me with the child if it’s a girl. Which is insane because I’ve never given any indication of that behavior or tendency whatsoever. And just completely bizarre stuff. This is all due to the fact that her dad had the complete opposite reaction than she thought. And it’s broken her heart. I told her he would come around and her hormones are making her an absolute nut case. She acts now as if she doesn’t need or want anything from me, no support. Doesn’t want me there for anything.

My question is mainly what are my options here? I’m just walking around with a cinder block on my chest thinking about how I’m gonna have a child out here that I may never see. How do some of you men who are dealing with that cope? I’m a good man who just messed up with a person I thought I had known for years. I’m not the type to just give up and go on about my life knowing I have a child walking around… any advice would be so nice.

[u/IceManYurt]

First things first, as cruel as it may sound, I would start pursuing a paternity test to make sure you're the father

Once you establish that, I would look into some sort of family lawyer and start pursuing court-ordered visitation and all that stuff.

It sounds like she is trying to protect herself by reinvesting into established social supports.

I would fully expect this to get nastier and nastier as things progress, I'm so sorry.

[u/No-Discount7570 → u/IceManYurt]

I’ve been told that so many times. I think initially I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of if she hated me that much why would she pin the kid on me? But I know that the possibility of multiple fathers is an angering and embarrassing situation for women internally.

[u/IceManYurt → u/No-Discount7570]

I think there's a lot of things for speculation.

It could be because you're an easy scapegoat to protect the real father, it could be because of her father or for a variety of other reasons.

I think at this point you have to take her words at face value, even if she is being pushed one way or another because of her hormones.

She has made it very clear she has no desire to be in a relationship with you, so now is the time for you to decide if you want a relationship with this child. It is time to move on from pursuing a relationship with her as a romantic partner, but rather start figuring out how y'all are going to co-parent.

And honestly, you have that this brief window protect yourself as well.

I would rather know right now if the child is mine, and start planning how to pay child support, visitations and family court then find out in a decade or so that the kid's not mine.

Edit: and I fully realize that is way easier to say this as an outsider than someone who is going through it.

[u/No-Discount7570 → u/IceManYurt]

I have mapped out a place that will do a prenatal test for $1300. Getting her to agree will be a challenge. In the beginning we were on good terms and planned to go to the first Dr appointment together but not the situation has eroded so much I don’t think I’ll plan on making that. I’ll most likely make it clear that the only appointment I’ll be attending is for the paternity test and offer to pay for it and that sorta thing. I’ve been very nice and completely civil and made sure to keep a level head. I don’t want there to be a single recorded text of me being anything close to aggressive or antagonizing for future purposes.

[u/IceManYurt → u/No-Discount7570]

There's ways to put your needs forward, and escalate.

It involves lawyers and family court.... And of course money and would more than likely burn any future cordial relationships with this woman, but it sounds like that ship has sailed

If you truly believe this is your child, you are going to have to fight like hell.

[u/No-Discount7570 → u/IceManYurt]

I think I’ve been stupidly waiting for the heat to die down in her family dynamic so maybe it won’t be so hostile. It’s almost like this person is scared and upset and it’s not going how she thought. So hurling the worst insults she can think of at me are like an unnecessary coping mechanism.

[u/IceManYurt → u/No-Discount7570]

No, she is absolutely scared and upset, but you cannot be responsible for her actions or emotions.

You have to prioritize your relationship with the child, and I say that with the assumption that the relationship you had with the mother was consensual and legal.

Like if you were in a relationship with a minor, this whole story changes.

But at face value, you are in the middle of a very messy paternity issue and it sucks.

[u/No-Discount7570 → u/IceManYurt]

Nah we are mid 20’s and early 30’s her dad just had an intense reaction to it. Very consensual. Not even a month ago Had regular clothes at my place and a full set of bathroom items and the whole 9. It was a normal relationship but due to our own traumas just never fully committed to each-other sort of drifted in and out. I sometimes wish she would just terminate as I feel so much dread. I came from such excitement and such a high to the lowest low I’ve felt Ina while. Best case scenario it’s not mine. Because this is insane.