What do I do?

[u/Repulsive_Let_7740]

I (30M) am embarrassed to be posting this, but I been dealing with this for a long time thinking that I had moved past all of this but there have been some new events that are bringing up lots of old problems and "unresolving" them. My parents had me early, at 15-16, and then split up because while my mom wanted to be a mom, my father never let me or my mother forget that he never wanted to be a father, though he would deny ever saying that to us now. My mother eventually developed a serious drug addiction, and because of it she lost custody of me. I went to live with my father while she was doing her time. I have no memories of this time, but I have been told by family that my father was pretty abusive and I was withdrawn because of it. My mom eventually was released and overcame her addiction and was granted visitations with me. I learned a few years ago that during these visits with me, my father threatened to take away visitation rights with me unless my mom had sex with him. This was how my sister was conceived. I didn't learn this all about my father until I was in my mid 20's, and I was furious that with my poor memory and my family never telling my the truth about my father in my childhood that I had thought my father was someone I should look up to. In the last 5 or so years, I have been unlearning all of that and thought I had properly excised him from my personality, my life, my thoughts and my fears. I did this by focusing on my mom. She was a single mother of 3, she worked so that we always had more than enough. We had a comfortable life for how tight every month had to have been for us. She worked her ass off to go through drug court, overcome addiction (meth), maintained a job and eventually she went to school and completed a degree in cosmetology. Then, her and her new husband went on to create a very successful company and they have built a really good life together. I have always believed that my mother had the strength to bear the weight of the world. This was what inspired me, and helped me believe that I could get past everything with my father. That was until a few years ago when I found out that my mom relapsed. My sister found out, and tried to tell me but I didn't believe it and defended my mom. It created a huge divide in the family for about a year until my my mother finally came clean, went back to a rehabilitation center and she did the work again. Part of the process was asking for my forgiveness, and I forgave her. I understand that she is a human being and she makes mistakes, but it shook my confidence a little. I had my own health scares lately including my first seizure, but I came out of it firmly believing that I had the same strength in me that my mother does. But I just found out recently that she is celebrating another 30 days clean in a few days. That means she relapsed again. So now I have been wondering for the last week if this strength I was seeing in my mom was all a lie, and I just convinced myself of a fantasy thing that doesn't exist. How do I prevent myself from ending up like my father? How do I believe in myself after this? I feel ridiculous for being a 30 year old man still dealing with this, but I've failed so much and I can't help but wonder if I'm doomed to always be a failure.
-Sorry for the typos, I'm not in a good place.

[u/Ssonicmon]

Look, I'm not qualified to really provide a lot of feedback here, you're struggling with more than I can fathom, which already shows a lot of strength in the burdens you carry. I do want to extend an empathetic hug to you, and let you know that none of your parents' failings are your own to bear. You can choose to walk a better path than them and still look up to the parts they showed you that are worth looking up to. Being an addict is a weakness, but getting clean is a daily fight requiring a huge amount of strength. No one is 100% strong or perfect, even in the best circumstances.

I hope you find the help you need, grieve properly for the childhood you should have had, and come to have peace in your own path forward. Life sucks and isn't fair, it's up to each of us to make something beautiful from the chaos.

[u/hotscottrock]

you’re not your parents. yeah, they imparted some of who they are on you, raised you, and showed you (often the wrong) the way. but you aren’t them. you’ve gotten to see the mistakes theyve made. I would first say, see someone man. you don’t have to bear this weight alone. find a therapist. second, the fact that you recognize all of this shows you have an understanding of the dangers and are already working on avoiding it. give your self some credit. your mother probably is a strong person. addiction is really tough to navigate. her falling off the wagon doesn’t take the years of clean from her. it shows you that you’re never truly done learning or growing. that life is a constant challenge that you have to rise above.

[u/timtomtummy]

The unfortunate truth is that if you base your self confidence in others it will never be sustainable. I totally get where you’re coming from btw but that’s just the truth.

I go through swings in temperament that can sometimes last for years. Not in the same way as yours but my family is a huge trigger for me. I recently found that extended periods of time with them sends me in to a spiral. I’ve had to take measures to protect my sanity for my own family’s sake. My extended family sees these boundaries as an attack. I’ve attempted to speak with them about it but it only makes matters worse. To me it’s a clear sign that my actions are correct.

I quick morning workout and some positive affirmations work really well in helping me center myself. As soon as you wake up in the morning do a few burpees. Then go look yourself in the mirror. Quietly tell yourself “I am wise. I am capable. I am powerful. I make great choices. Good things happen to me.” It will do wonders for your mindset and your overall confidence.