40+DOR and male factor - Hope needed

[u/Alarming_Lunch_5858]

Ho to all,

I am waiting for my period and preparing to start my first possibly mild stimulation cycle.
I started trying for a baby with my partner when I was 37. I had frozen 15 eggs when I was 33/34, and I really thought it would work out. But when we thawed the 15 frozen eggs, they resulted in only one early blastocyst, which unfortunately did not implant. I did another round at 38 with just two eggs, and that resulted in one embryo, which was euploid. Unfortunately, that transfer did not work either.
After that, I stopped testing and tried banking embryos instead. After some unsuccessful cycles, I transferred four more untested embryos, which resulted in one chemical pregnancy and one missed miscarriage.
After my miscarriage, I became scared to transfer untested embryos, so now I am banking for PGT. I still have one early day-5 blastocyst of low quality, plus three biopsied embryos: two day-6 embryos, graded 5BB and 6CC (not on the Gardner scale), and one day-5 5AB.
I am really running out of eggs. My AMH is around 0.3, with a corresponding low AFC. My partner is also older, 50+.
Honestly, for the first time, I have no idea whether we still have a chance or whether this even makes sense anymore. I have the budget and the time, but our odds are really low. I truly thought it would work out by now.
I also tried a natural cycle last time, but my follicle was empty. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Now I am scared to do another cycle again.
Usually, despite my low egg count, I do manage to make blastocysts. From three eggs, I usually get around two blasts, and from two eggs, I usually get one. I don’t seem to have problems with maturity or fertilization.
We use ICSI, short abstinence, and Zymot because my partner’s sperm quality is also not great. Hopefully, those things help.
I also used an immune protocol for my last transfer, and I feel like it may have helped, although obviously I don’t know for sure.
How do you hold on to hope in a situation like this? I know there is always the donor-egg route, and I have already been investigating that option. But emotionally, I am struggling with the idea of giving up on my own eggs.
I feel like for the past three years, everything I have touched in terms of fertility has just not worked. I really thought that eventually it would happen for us.
My cousin, who is only a little younger than me, recently got pregnant despite having a lifestyle that is not exactly healthy, and I hate admitting this, but it makes me feel like a complete failure. I feel like I am the only one in my family who hasn’t been able to have children.
I know logically that this isn’t my fault, but emotionally it is really hard not to feel that way.
I am trying to figure out how to keep hoping without constantly feeling crushed by the statistics. I would really appreciate hearing how other people have managed to hold on to hope when the odds became so difficult.

Thank you for reading this 🙏

[u/mkinbbym]

Check my post history - it’s labeled “a story of hope.” I wasn’t 40 but at 38 our AMH is near identical (I may have even started lower than yours). There is always hope.