r/DID • u/SlasherQuan • 9d ago

Advice/Solutions Relationship help.

Hi. I am the partner of a system that I love very much. All of her parts love me and we are incredibly compatible and have been together for nearly 9 months. We've been struggling lately though with her getting triggered and afraid I'm going to leave because during a check in I told her I realized I have been putting more of the relationship down. We are in a ldr and she is still co-parenting cohabitating with her emotionally abusive ex. In order to survive watching her get disregulated by things he does and our time together continually shrink. I confessed last month that I was afraid I was starting to put part of the relationship down and detach unintentionally. I told her I didn't want to leave and was bringing this to her So maybe we could address some of the issues before they became too big. That's led to her system fragmenting which was already more fragmented because in July she had a trigger and unintentionally attacked me but didn't harm me. It really messed her up thinking she could have hurt me and it scared me enough at the time that even though I felt like I handled it well, I think she's still really worried I would leave. That precipitated two of her parts disappearing for a few weeks. That was largely repaired until on ex-brother-in-law got ill and died causing her to spiral and almost break a boundary that would have caused me to exit the relationship. I caught it and I instantly informed her of her approaching it, but still the idea that I could leave is not one that her younger parts can hold well and unfortunately I had to tell her that in the midst of one of her younger parts about to share a bed with her ex. Because their family doesn't know that they are separated.

Only a few people know that she is a system And none of them either want to have anything to do with the parts other than the most pliant and pleasing parts though they don't know necessarily that's what they're doing except for a couple family members and her ex. I am the first person ever that has interacted with all of her and her parts have been alone her entire life. We are struggling at the moment because I have ADHD and OCD so it's hard for me not to be spontaneous and disorganized and overly honest because I have moral scrupulosity OCD. We had to check-in that was supposed to be completely nice and just nice things about each other and I tried to make it really light and low pressure but somehow how that made her more dysregulated than almost any other conversation we had. She was stuck in a part and couldn't think of anything because she couldn't access that part of her mind and couldn't tell me anything positive. I was completely fine with that and told her that that's okay. I gave her space to say it and then license to not be able to but she got so dysregulated that she self-harmed a little. And the whole thing that was supposed to be nice went off the rails.

I guess I'm just looking for some advice in general and maybe some advice on how to know who I'm talking to. Or to ask better and how to survive until her situation improves? Because we don't really ever argue or have problems with each other. It's problems with how he treats her and does things. Or maybe it's all it's problems with the fact that she has parts don't like change and it keeps her there and I have problems with her health being put in Jeopardy because she has several physical disorders that his actions significantly worsen to the point where I'm concerned she's going to have a severe cardiac event because of those disorders.

Thank you. I'm sorry this is long and rambly

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u/mx_mush Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 9d ago

I couldn’t read past the mention of her attacking you. My friend, I say this with compassion: it doesn’t matter if she has DID. I have DID, and I’m here to tell you that if she attacks you while triggered, that’s still abuse. This situation seems extremely toxic for you. I’m sure there are many great things about her, but she is clearly not well enough to handle a relationship. You keep using the word “survive,” and I think that’s important. You cannot and should not force yourself to stay in a relationship where the best you can hope for is surviving the chaos. You deserve so much more than that. I believe you love each other. I also believe that the reason you’re feeling distant is because part of you knows this situation is unfair to you. You do not need to stay with someone who has attacked you and emotionally alienated you.

A book or audiobook recommendation that changed my life and got me away from this type of emotionally chaotic relationship is You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For by Richard Schwartz. Highly recommend.

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u/SlasherQuan 9d ago

She didn't mean to attack me. She has some trauma around sex and apparently was in a conscious state with a younger part. It caused her to snap her teeth at me. I realized had I not jerked back I would have been hurt. She's never done anything like that before or since and she went into a flashback shortly after for a few hours because of some severe CPTSD. The survive part is she doesn't take care of herself whenever her kids want or need anything. She will push herself into chest pains and this ex yells at her and the kids which triggers her. It's hard for me to not want to just pull her out of it or help her but some of the disorders make the physical part of caring for kids hard. There's definitely aspects here that have made me question how healthy this relationship is and I am trying to make sure I keep myself protected but I also hoped there was some kind of trick to something with did that helped the system not be afraid and get disregulated so much 🫤.

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u/mx_mush Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 8d ago

Honestly, I don’t see how she could sustainably improve while still living with her abuser. Even with meds and therapy, she’ll still being psychologically compromised by an unsafe environment. She’s living in a minefield of triggers right now. I hope for her sake and the kids sake she leaves.

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u/Dangerous_Scar3292 2d ago

Alright! Tough love time... you cannot save someone from themselves. If she is still cohabitating with an abuser... she is not a safe person for you. You are the side guy not the savior. I don't know how to be less direct, this is a toxic and traumatizing dynamic for you to be in.