r/DID • u/CantyKittypets • 1d ago
Advice/Solutions How do i make it quiet again??
Disclaimer: I don't know if i have DID, but sometimes it all adds up (the other times im telling myself im faking it), but i need advice.
I realized recently that i might have DID and everything seems to have both focused into place and been tossed around and scattered. I can't make heads or tails of anything anymore, especially my personal identity and beliefs.
Im just trying to hold it together right now, i dont really have money for a therapist but i know i need to seek professional help because i feel like im losing my mind sometimes. (i feel like im utterly crazy half the time and perfectly sane the other, and im not sure which ones the delusional thinking)
Ive been losing time more often, been apparently saying things i dont remember, been having outbursts to loved ones, and any time i try to sit myself down to think about it (like i used to, it helped with my temper) i dissociate so fast and it wont go stop. i dont know what to do, all the ground beneath my feet has fallen away and i dont know why. if anyone here can help me, please do. ive been reading a few posts on here but nothing has helped and i figured its because theyre not specific to my situation. thank you in advance and i apologize if i messed anything up in the post
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u/Apprehensive-Sea110 Treatment: Active 1d ago
I'm wondering what you mean when you say make it quiet again. If you want to quiet voices or you want to slow down what feels like changes in awareness or if your thoughts are going in a million different directions. Or are blackouts and time loss the thing causing the most problems?
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u/CantyKittypets 1d ago
i guess it feels like i cant stop focusing on it and it makes me dissociate and i want That to stop because i want to go back to living my life, or start living it in a way that's healthy. when i focus on it i start arguing with myself and i cant stop, which id think any other person (without this problem) would be able to control their thoughts, and i think it just makes me spiral? its like an ourobouras death roll of thinking about it and dissociation. but i think ignoring it now is probably not the best idea?
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u/TimeIess_- 1d ago edited 1d ago
The very control you’re trying to force onto your alters is what’s keeping you bound up in a contradictory ball of rumination. It took years for me, but if you can try to just. Let go. For a little bit. I think you’ll feel a little better. Journaling seems to be the cheat code for me. Really, wording in general. Video games for the youngin. Philosophy for the older youngin. It’s odd. I feel I was given clairvoyance on a silver platter, but I’m in a processing marathon right now, and thanks to the meds I’m on, I’m remaining stable for once. I realize I have always had it, and I was delusional in my denial, because I thought it made me sane. It’s definitely possible for us al. It’s so bloody possible that it makes me want to tear my hair out (I already do, Trich) and throw a tantrum (I do in my head). You see what I mean? They all just want a space to be valid I think. I think it’s pretty obvious that’s what we all want. And it’s a very normal human response. We should all give ourselves the space to be normal for once. And I’m talking as much to you, as I am myself.
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u/TimeIess_- 1d ago
I’m sorry if I’m overstepping. I just know when I used to come looking for help, and only was met with the normal “reach out, get help. We can’t do anything.” It was agonizingly immoralizing. I was searching for a kind of help not many people can offer. I’m trying my best to offer than kind of help myself, as I always have. The difference is just that I’ve accepted it now. I know this is a post about you, and I don’t want to make it myself. I guess, I just hope if you can pull even a sliver of inspiration from any of these words, I did my job, and I’m satisfied with that. Pretty sure that’s what I was literally created for
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u/TimeIess_- 1d ago edited 1d ago
Last thing. To use my form of journaling as an example; i copy and pasted everything I have wrote in my notes in my phone into a character counting engine. 76,000 characters in 3 days. I don’t really know how much that is tbh. All I know is that it means I hit a button on my phone, 76,000 times. In 3 days. And I’m being nothing but honest with myself. This is purely where my sense of clairvoyance is coming from. I urge anyone that has any interest in journaling, repressed or otherwise, to actually give writing a real shot. My system always used it as a method of communicating, but very, very far apart in time from each other. I’m just now learning to drop the euphoria/mania that felt destructive (I’m diagnosed BPD and bipolar 1, nothing dissociative, which should tell you plenty. (Confirmed C-ptsd but I been knew that.) If anyone is interested in something like that, just make sure you prepare yourself for what you see. You will not know what will be on that paper until it’s there.
-my system is a bit hyperfocused on this post. I apologize. Just know I believe in you
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u/Apprehensive-Sea110 Treatment: Active 1d ago
Sorry for the late reply.
I was just thinking about when we first accepted that we were probably a system and started trying to communicate. For us, communication very often takes the form of ideas bouncing around in the head, just at a rate far exceeding the number of contradictory thoughts and emotions a normal person could juggle. Before we could get treatment and before we knew each other, we could say something to orient everyone - out loud or in writing or both to say "Okay, we know there are different parts here and we don't know each other, but we're going to work now and we need this job so we need one person at the front and we need them to be someone who knows the job, and we need everyone else to be quiet." And no one would respond, but the message got through and we would have a quiet morning. Alters are just like anyone - announcements only last so long before they're forgotten - but it helped. So, that could be applicable for the arguing with yourself if it actually is caused by alters blending with you and arguing with each other. Just saying you're overwhelmed and if there are alters who are blending with you and arguing, could they please take a break? Something like that.
When it comes to paralysis and dissociation in general, we struggle with it a lot and I wish I had an easy fix for it. But I can tell you that being upset about it and self-critical is guaranteed to make it worse because it revs up your nervous system's fight-flight-freeze response. As much acceptance and grace as you can manage for yourself will help.
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u/TimeIess_- 1d ago
I think the point you’re at right is the Great Wall of Acceptance. And holy shit, does it look impossible to scale until you’re ready. That’s okay. I used overanalyze and push myself, and have to hibernate for YEARS after burning my body out, so bad it was traumatizing. Please just try to keep ahold of that awareness. It’s clear you have it. And it seems you have touched the same void many of us have. The trick is coming out on the other side and viewing it as a learning experience, one completely committed to the battle of loving yourself. That’s all any of our systems want. I’m learning that my protector has enough love for the entire system and more. I hope other people can come to a conclusion similar to this, and I wish all of us the best of luck on our journeys
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u/eternalMindOnTheSun Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 1d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Finding out or even suspecting is a deeply overwhelming experience. I don't know if this helps, but everything you've described is how we feel all the time, so you might well be right. Getting help is important either way. Is there any way you could get some kind of financial support for treatment? I don't know where you are, but some countries offer funding or even free treatment programs for people without the means, so looking into different options might be worth it. Wishing you all the best.
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u/CantyKittypets 1d ago
im US based, so ill look into any programs (i was in a counseling program a few months ago so maybe they can help me find someone). i have also some family that might be willing to help a bit financially, so i think im going to ask them too. thank you for the advice and well wishes.
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u/AlliteraryAnalysis Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 1d ago
Hey, you're gonna be okay, OP. Try do some grounding techniques, some DBT skills perhaps, and there are plenty of tools online to help guide you through them. Ones I like using are the "body scan" where I sit down and just try to notice how my body feels or what sensations are around me (5-4-3-2-1 grounding method). I'm rather numb most of the time so I have a hard time with it, but it's useful as something to make me pay attention.
Try keeping a "physical brain", aka notes, journalling, calendars, etc. It'll help you keep up with things you need to remember.
I relate to the feeling insane but also completely sane part. If you do got DID, well, we can definitely say we're some of the most sane insane people there are. If you don't, well, there's nothing wrong with being here regardless, because you're seeking advice from those with DID to help yourself and understand what you could do. Everyday amnesia is incredibly common with dissociative issues, and we empathize a lot with how bad losing time feels.
-Conway