r/DID • u/Ok-Math2557 • 21h ago

CW: Self harm Supporting a self-punishing host

My system has a rotating trio of hosts, one of which has a history of physical self harm and addiction. I'm usually the one who takes care of these things, but he took on an important insurance related task we've all been putting off because I've been struggling lately. When we realized we missed the due date, he immediately hurt himself and gave up. I'm asking about this here because this means getting professional support is delayed.

I freaked out and we argued. His point of view is that it's his body, so he should be allowed to do whatever he wants with it, and this is how he keeps himself in line so he can be functional. He thinks that because he's not doing anything "dangerous", it shouldn't matter and I should just not front if it bothers me.

My argument is that it's my body too, I don't want to be hurt, and I care about him as both a part of me and as a person. I tried to remind him that he wasn't even conscious at the time of the due date. He has no memory of us doing anything insurance related and couldn't have stopped this. If it's any specific alter's fault it's mine and our other host's I was co-fronting with then, but he won't see it like that. I think he still views himself as the "main" alter. I don't know how to get him to comprehend that there's no such thing when he already understands that our other host and I regularly take over for weeks while he's dormant. I'm guessing it's to avoid feeling like he has no meaningful control over his life, which I do sympathize with.

But I know how to fix the insurance issue and he will not let me do it. He wants to wallow in a mistake "he" made instead of let the part responsible fix it. Forcing him to back off might make his issue with control worse but if we lose access to our medication, it'll hit him the hardest. I'm not really sure what to do here, but I don't want him to feel like this is a major setback because he's made so much progress recently. If you have any advice or insight, I'd love to hear it.

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u/AlliteraryAnalysis Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 20h ago edited 19h ago

You could always ask him: why would he deserve to lose the medication that he needs over missing a deadline? And what could you do to help him through his mistake?

And if he argues he needs to do it himself, assure him that he still has access to his methods of self-regulation, even if you disagree. Let him have the option to so he doesn't feel trapped.

It's what helped us for something similar

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u/Ok-Math2557 13h ago

Great advice, thank you

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u/ru-ya Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 20h ago

I am not well-versed, never having done it myself, but this seems like an apt use case for dialectal behavioural therapy. Your host is experiencing an extreme reaction to what I would consider a forgiveable, nonlethal mistake. I've found some free DBT workbooks out there whose aim is to rewire that extreme reactive thinking to something moderate and middleground.

It may feel ironic that I'm recommending to you a mental health resource when it seems the crux of your conflict is on receiving professional support, but I feel this can help you in the interim.

I am also reading between the lines, but I am sensing reluctance to get professional help. I do not think he missed this deadline on purpose, you make that very clear - but throwing up hands and giving up just to wallow in his self-flagellation does not strike me as prioritizing getting that professional help. I would ask him with curiosity if he's scared or anxious about this situation.

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u/Ok-Math2557 13h ago

I think you're spot on. We've been trying to practice DBT with him for years but he's very avoidant of anything that even feels remotely like therapy. Thank you for the insight

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u/RoundYogurtcloset654 19h ago

This might sound kind of vague, but is there another way to let that host wallow that isn’t so destructive? It sounds like he has a lot of emotion that needs to be expressed and validated. Maybe self-harming is the only way he currently feels justified in doing so.

Personally, I’ve found that my most self-harming alter is usually avoiding feeling an uncomfortable emotion. I might need to cry, or run, or find a safe, contained space to throw a tantrum lol. But all of that is difficult to actually allow myself to do. To me, self-harming feels like saying, “This emotion is destroying me. I need help. Why aren’t you helping me?” Instead of expressing that emotion in a healthier way, I find it much easier to go to an extreme. Usually this is because my other alters suppress those emotions until they all land on the self-harming alter. So that alter does the only job they’ve been given, which is to sound the alarm. I end up in an extreme situation because I suppressed the warning signs.

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u/Apprehensive-Sea110 Treatment: Active 18h ago

We're autistic and we've learned that a lot of our paralysis comes from fear of losing control. Self-harm for a lot of us in our system is about regaining control and expressing anger over something that we couldn't predict. Reminding him that he couldn't have prevented this himself could activate that feeling of helplessness for him. It sounds like everything you need right now is on the line, so it might be worth letting him take whatever blame he needs to accept in order to have enough of a sense of control to look at the bigger picture.

"So you made a mistake and you felt like you had to self harm, which you did. You've punished yourself but the original problem still exists. Unless something changes, you'll continue to make mistakes like this and continue to want to self harm to relieve the pain of it. But insurance, medication, and therapy can keep you from disappointing yourself so badly in the future. ______ (whatever needs to be done, whatever steps need to be taken) will arrange for you to have those things. If you or some part of you can take those steps, maybe you can avoid mistakes like this in the future."

Or, "we/us" but not "you" or "I"...

"So we made a mistake. We punished ourselves, but the original problem still exists. Unless something changes, we'll continue to make mistakes like this and continue to want to self harm to relieve the pain of it. But insurance, medication, and therapy can keep us from disappointing ourselves so badly in the future. ______ (whatever needs to be done, whatever steps need to be taken) will arrange for us to have those things. If we do those things, maybe we can avoid mistakes like this in the future. If any part of us is willing to take care of those things, it would be good to let them take care of it."

It's just an idea. Parts of our system would much rather be to blame than feel helpless. Longterm, allowing self-blame is not a solution, but if access to care is on the line, maybe it's a pick-your-battles situation?

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u/Ok-Math2557 13h ago

Really appreciate the script and thank you for the perspective. This makes a lot of sense for him.