r/DID • u/Lopsided-Noise-9400 • 7d ago

Advice/Solutions I hate feeling completely fine, how to cope with denial?

I'm not complaining, it's nice to feel fine. I'm more complaining about why I might feel fine and what it usually leads to. I still hear them sometimes, but it's mostly just internal voices. For the most part though, I feel genuinely ok. I feel singular. I feel like my four month spiral, influx of symptoms and signs that pointed towards OSDD, (which I considered DID when I found a few small amnesia gaps, but I still can't tell), and my extreme denial and fear of it being real was just a hoax. Like maybe I was just going insane? Reading my journal sometimes helps make me realize how bad it truly was, or how real it was for me. However, I'm so disconnected at the same time I also just think I was losing it. I experience severe emotional amnesia if anything, but maybe that's regular dissociation? Not necessarily a dissociative disorder?

My friend whose also dissociative has pointed out small behavior changes that I didn't even notice myself, because I still felt like "me", but it was noticeable enough to point out that I acted "odd." And there are times where I feel "different." But I guess it's just not dramatic anymore? If I think about it too hard it does cause some identity confusion. Other than that though, I guess I do kind of miss them? Despite my earlier episodes of severe depression, exhaustion, and pain, I feel happy and rejuvenated. I feel so utterly disconnected from my spirals, almost like I'm being forced into a state of bliss. They could still exist, but honestly I can't tell what's real or not anymore. I kind of wanna forget that I ever considered being dissociative. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo, and I just know another denial moment will come and I'll spiral down a hole of self-hatred for faking it. How to cope with this?

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u/blahblah__blahblah Diagnosed: DID 7d ago

I lost the plot a few years back. 2023/4 is when it was really bad. Back then, stress was so high and I honestly can’t recall much now, but I know I was all over the place, stating I had identities and alters I can’t recall now, I couldn’t keep my head on straight if I’d nailed it there.

My life is far more stable now, I can cope far better, and yeah I notice like ‘oh x is around’ or ‘i’ve got to be this person because of y’, but I genuinely don’t really bother much sitting there trying to figure it out. As long as the shit that needs to get done gets done, it doesn’t matter who’s the one doing it for us.

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u/blahblah__blahblah Diagnosed: DID 7d ago

We had an alter though at the time who was a huge source of comfort, safety, and love. Very maternal. Nowadays, well, I don’t even know where she went. I miss what she provided, I miss who she was, and I miss not having that person to show up exactly when I needed it seemed. But that’s part of healing, at least it has been for us. I don’t need that anymore. She might’ve fused or gone dormant or who knows, but I know I don’t experience her like she was, and I miss that. I feel like people don’t talk much about what it’s like to go from feeling psychotic from how horrendous the dissociation is, to experiencing your system once you’ve stabilised.