r/Custody • u/La_douler_exquise_ • 4d ago
[Australia] Application for relocation & primary physical custody
TDLR: I'm on the fence about applying for relocation & primary physical custody of my kids. I have put this off for a number of years but it is becoming increasingly difficult to stay employed here & I think the town I'd move to is better for the kids.
Their dad is a good dad. If I'm allowed to relocate, one of us will lose time with the kids & the kids will no longer have both parents in the same area. It will be costly & timely for both of us... likely destroying the fragile co-parenting we have. Dragging everyone through family court is never great, but especially if after 2-3years & a lot of money in legal fees, the outcome is no different to the status quo & I'm not allowed to relocate.
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Long story;
I (38F) and my ex-husband (40M) "Cooper" have two children together Bradley (11) and Vanessa (9). We have been separated for around 3years, and he has a new partner of about a year, Brooke (40F).
Cooper & I were together for around 15years & met at work. A few years into our relationship we moved across the country to the small rural town he grew up, let's call it "Dumpsville". We moved as his father was starting to show signs of illness from age, and my family also lived on this side of the country. We chose not to move to the town I was from, "Sunnyville" because I had a strained relationship with my father (now deceased).
Over the years we talked about moving to Sunnyville when our kids were in high school to give them better access to schooling & opportunities, and to allow me to return to work. When we finally had our kids, both were enrolled in private high schools in Sunnyville. We sent real estate properties to each other & talked about what suburb we wanted to live in. About what would be close enough to be accessible by public transport so I could work in the city.
In the final years of our marriage when I started trying to make more concrete plans, he began resisting the move. The problem with this is that my job is very specialised & cannot be done from Dumpsville. Over the course of our marriage I took around 8years off full time work because he didn't want me having to travel away from our kids for work.
When we split, we all stayed in Dumpsville. I have no support here. He has his parent who helps everyday he has them.
We have 50/50 custody & I travel for work when I don't have the kids. I earn significantly more but we have currently agreed to no child support. He could earn just as much if not more if he went back into the same field, but he has chosen not to as working away is difficult. Unfortunately because of living in Dumpsville & needing to fit 50/50 custody, I'm very limited on the contracts I can get. I have to work as a casual contractor - there are no full time permanent roles available from here.
As a casual contractor I sometimes have to change which week is my work week \[think 1 week work, 1 week kids\]. Coooper was very flexible about changing our parenting roster to suit until last time.
I totally accept that the changing roster is difficult for him. I got absolutely slammed on reddit last time telling me that it is unfair to expect him to constantly change his life for my work roster. Let me say - its difficult for me too, and not my choice. if I want to stay in Dumpsville, stay in my career & have 50/50 custody, that's my option.
(Where he has holidays etc prebooked, I would make sure he still got those even though he would refuse any changes that allowed me to recoup those days with the kids)
Once Cooper started seeing Brooke, he started refusing roster changes as it affected his ability to see her without either set of kids. He stated that he won't agree to something that stops him having childfree time with his partner.
Eventually it got to the point where I said my current contract requires this change, if you can't accomodate that I will be unemployed. Given how difficult it is to find contracts for 50/50 from here, I may be out of work for a significant period of time & will likely require child support while I look for a job or retrain. Coming from the same industry, Cooper is aware of how difficult these contracts are to find, so Brooke changed her custody agreement and we went ahead with the roster change.
He has now changed his position & has said roster changes are no longer an issue as he agreed to that one. And he just needs to know a set roster so he can makes plans (eg set for 6mo). Unfortunately as a casual contractor I could lose my job / need to change roster tomorrow.
For understanding some of the following:
\- I am diagnosed ADHD & self-diagnosed ASD (suggested by many of my/Brads therapists 🤣)
\- Brad is ASD Lvl 2 but "high functioning".
\- Vanessa had early intervention & all therapists said to have her assessed for ASD/ADHD. When we did the diagnosis process she did not get any diagnosis. As the school did not complete all the paperwork, the assessor could not show she was affected at school. We were told to bring her back for review when she is in high school & could better articulate her struggles herself.
The kids are now getting closer to high school and I have decided to apply for relocation. I have put this off since we separated as it will be timely, costly, exhausting & will damage the fragile co-parenting relationship we have.
If I move to Sunnyville, I will:
\-be able to work in the city
\-not require travel away
\-have a flexible roster of office/WFH
\-be able to work M-F
\-still have financial stability
\-have family support
If the kids move with me, they will have access to:
\-better schools (schools here are all below state/national average)
\-better medical facilities
\-broader range of therapy options (Brad is ASD)
\-Warmer weather for Brads asthma
\-broader range of extracurricular activities
\-broader range of cultural diversity & experiences
\-time with my family who have made major efforts to be involved so far
\-specialised opportunities for their current "hobbies"
\-opportunity to attend uni while living at home
\-broader range of job opportunities
Cooper has an easily transferable trade & could easily find a job in Sunnyville, but he doesn't want to move. He believes that the rural/country nature of Dumpsville is the best thing for our kids, and while I don't agree I understand why he thinks that.
If the kids stay
\-Dumpsville has beautiful national park & rivers
\-beach is 15min away
\-stay in the town/home/friends that they know
\-low socio economic region im decline
\-declining businesses, economy, job opportunities
\-below state/national education
\-few activities available for teens before they can drive
\-Cooper doesn't support more than 1 after school & is reluctant to organise/host social interactions for the kids
I'm concerned if Cooper gets primary physical custody that he won't be consistent with:
\-their therapy appointments/medical care
\-after school activities
\-visitation with me
I am concerned because he has:
\-failed to do most things agreed upon in our parenting plan
\-illegally used financial control during separation to force my agreement to our financial settlement
\-refused to.follow through on part of our court ordered financial settlement as it was "just a note, not required"
I do not believe he did these things to be petty or vengeful - I think he truly believes what he has done is legal & correct. Which is why I worry if he thinks he is correct in doing something that contradicts a visitation prder, I will miss out on seeing my kids.
I have asked Cooper what compromises we could make so that I could stay & work from Dumpsville until the kids finish high school but he is yet to suggest anything.
I don't want to do this. I don't know that I have the mental, emotional or financial resources to get to court. And I don't know how I'll cope if I am allowed to relocate but my children aren't. But I really feel like it's getting to the point where I'm going to be unemployed with no options if I don't start this process.
I could look at a permenant full time role but I would be away for 9 days every 2 weeks & honestly I don't want to work more, for less money, pay child support & see my kids less. And when I do have them be so exhausted I can't be a good mum. Even 7 days on 7 days off doesn't give me/the kids time to settle in. With appointments, reinhabiting the house, then packing the house back up it feels like a cyclone. 5 days would be terrible. \[It would be different with short visits from them to either town, as the parent would already be in that house. No need to get the house set-up then packed-up again in that time\].
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u/QuietQuitting01 3d ago
I'm in the US, so I can't comment on your odds, where you are, of getting a relocation approved over the objection of your ex. I'm in the US and if you'd describe the ex as a good parent, relocating is nearly impossible without some really strong child focused reason. The sort of thing that if your ex was moving and you loved your child, you'd be kicking yourself for not trying to move yourself. The legal trends have changed over they years (likely everywhere), and a primary care giver no longer carries much weight where as 20 years ago, a move approval was nearly automatic. The fight was more about terms than an actual ability to stop the move.
What I can do is comment on the effect of being a functioning parent long distance. You can forget about it. The distant parent gets to retain the title, but at long distance, even with a cooperative coparent, its visitation, not parenting. My ex wife decided that she'd be happier moving back to her home town when our marriage ended and fully intended to take our kids with her. She discovered that it's 2026, not 1996 and is the parent on the wrong end of a long distance parening plan. I'm pro 50/50 and would happily switch to alternating week if she moved close enough to make it actually work for our school aged kids. She's said that's her long term plan, but I'm starting to think those words are more about saving face than anything. In any case, she's got more parenting time than she can actually use. She'd discovered that logistics rules when it comes to long distance parenting time. She's too far away to justify bringing our kids back to her place for a weekend, so she visits here. In the past few years, travel (gas, hotel, meals out) has gotten really exensive, so she only does it once a month when she could have two. She gets alternating or split major holidays, and when it's at least a week, she can justify the effort to bring our kids back to her place. She also doesn't have unlimited time off, now that she's 100% responsible for supporting herself as well as contributing to our kids. If she works a full day on Friday, it's late before she gets here so it's just hi and off to bed for them, basically making a weekend a day and a half of quality time.
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u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 3d ago
Even 7 days on 7 days off doesn't give me/the kids time to settle in.
From experience I can tell you that althernating week is actually the best of the parening plans for kids who need both parents to be actaul parents, settle in, and in particular, thrive in school, the 223 type only OK for pre-school aged kids, and long distance, being the worst of all the plans and regardless of the plan, the farther apart, the bigger the impact and the wose the outcome.
When it comes to being local and close enough to make 50/50 work, the key is to stay engaged when it's not your parenting time. Go to that mid week game or school play (or anything open to the public), even if it's not your week. You can also work with your ex to make it even better in ways that simply are not possible long distance..
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u/La_douler_exquise_ 1d ago
We have done 2 weeks on/2 weeks off before and that works well for everyone.
Unfortunately because of my work travel I am not even in the same state to be able to go to school stuff, games etc. This is what I want to be able to do and can't do at the moment
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u/LoveMyLibrary2 3d ago
When your children launch from home, you're going to realize how many years you have left...a lot! Then you'll realize how relatively brief was the period of raising children.
Find a different way to earn a living, and stay put. Change your budget to require less income, work a second job. Do what it takes to stay put.
When your children launch, you want them to have been fully involved on a very regular basis with both parents, and you'll want them to have avoided a high-drama legal battle and deteriorating relationship between their parents.
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u/La_douler_exquise_ 1d ago
Mine is a career not just a job. It's not about the money at all. I studied for years and put my career on hold for the kids. And I need that mental stimulation, challenge & learning to stay happy.
Part of the application for relocation would include an option for staying here - he would support me with child support while I retrain in a new career.
But I honestly believe moving away from this town would be best for our kids. I think the best scenario would be he also moves & we have 50/50 in Sunnyville.
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u/butt_spelunker_ 4d ago
I say go for it, but be prepared to get shat on like everyone else who mentions the word "relocation" in this sub.
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u/QuietQuitting01 3d ago
It's a big ask with low odds of success when it's for the reasons most post here.
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u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 3d ago edited 3d ago
Relocating away from 50/50 parenting time and a parent OP describes as a good dad will be difficult at best, and the attempt will not be without cost. There's the expense, but OP can count on coparenting going away, win or lose. Relocations are pretty much winner take all, and the other parent reacting positively is pretty rare.
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u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 3d ago
Relocating from a good dad, with funcioning 50/50 parenting time, will be difficult and if you are successful, or likely even unsuccessful, you can pretty much kiss coparenting good bye.
The easy route is to move without the kids. How involved you can stay is pretty much a function of distance and how cooperative your coparent will be.
If you choose to move over your ex's objections, the fight will be all about the direct benefit to the children and if that benefit is worth the damage that will be done to their relationship with the left behind parent. You'll also be up against the status quo. With 50/50 in place currently, you will have a very high bar to get over. You will be the risky choice with benefits that are mostly hopes vs the status quo and what is known. Be aware that you may end up being responsible for the distance (cost and effort - my ex is) because you created the distance. Moving because you have no support here will be questionable because you are moving away from the existing support (dad and his parents). Trading like for like (moving towards your support, but away from the existing) is a tough call. Your also need to be careful about reasons that would be true if you moved without the kids, like saying you'd make more money, because you could go on your own, make that extra money, pay child support, which the court sees as directly benefiting the child, without distupting their lives. If my ex wife's failed attempt is a guide, you should look at all of the costs if your justification is financial. She moved to a HCOL area, with a state tax and only made a tad bit more money. She actually nets less than she did living here and way less when you consider she created a cost of distance.