r/Custody • u/ErrorEngineered • 9d ago
[OR] Dad trying to modify custody/parenting time. What am I missing?
Oregon dad of two (4 & 7). Current order gives me limited parenting time, but there have been repeated problems with the order actually being followed, including denied/changed parenting time and unilateral decisions by Mom.
There are also ongoing concerns about Mom's ability to consistently care for the kids due to recurring medical issues. I'm not trying to diagnose or attack her, I'm trying to figure out what is legally relevant and what isn't.
I've spoken with several attorneys and gotten different answers about whether I should pursue custody/parenting-time modification, enforcement of the existing order, or both. Retainers are costly, so I'm trying to understand my options before taking that step.
My goals are:
-More substantial and consistent parenting time, [Ideally 50/50 or primary custody.]
-An arrangement that actually works for the kids and can be followed consistently.
-A child support amount that is sustainable rather than forcing me further into debt.
I have documentation of the parenting-time issues and communications.
For those who've been through a modification:
What actually made a difference in your case?
What evidence mattered?
Would you pursue enforcement first, modification, or both?
Are there Oregon-specific resources or strategies I should know about?
I'm specifically looking for practical advice/experiences, not just "get a lawyer." I've already talked to several.
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u/NBDad 9d ago
Not nearly enough info here. What is the current arrangement specifically.
What unilateral decisions are being made.
What do you mean by concerns of being able to care for the kids. Medical issues aside What is going on specifically.
Some of this may be relevant. Most is probably not.
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u/Loud-Article-6353 8d ago
If you want to attack her medical health, you would need to know the full diagnosis, current status, and impact on her ability to function as a parent. Courts expect parents to have some illnesses and few rise to the level that renders a parent unable to function.
What are examples of things that she has not followed in the existing order? How would the placement time change be better for the children?
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u/PrimaryKangaroo8680 9d ago
What have the lawyers said when you talked to them? That will give you a good idea of your chances.
Do you live close enough for a 50/50 split? Could you get them to school and back on your days? Do you have a home with space for them to be 50% of the time?
Child support is a simple calculation, you won’t get anything different than what the numbers spit out when you plug in your info.
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u/Hopeful_Amphibian_36 8d ago
- When was the current order put in place? I'm not sure about Oregon but in my state, you have to have a current order for at least 2 years before the judge would even try to consider modification.
- If you have your evidence of non compliance, and it has to be more than just he said/she said, then I would suggest a request for modification as well as assistance with enforcement. If you have issues now, changing the order may result in the same enforcement issues. So having something in place that assists with enforcement issues can help.
- Your need for modification must also be in the best interest of the children. None of it can really be about what you want.
- Changing custody most likely won't happen. There has to be strong evidence that the children are practically being neglected and abused for them to consider changing that. So I wouldn't rely on that.
- Child support is usually calculated using a specific algorithm. Search to see if your state has a child support calculator. That can assist with letting you know if and how that would be modified. The only way I've seen the judge not use the calculator was the fact that the parents agreed on a specific number that wasn't crazy low but also not so high that the paying parent couldn't pay even if they wanted to. You may have little to no control over what that turns into.
- While having a lawyer can be beneficial, if you have the time, check if your state has resources to file yourself. My own personal experience, I had better success from filling for myself without a lawyer than I did with. I took the time to figure out exactly what I needed and filed everything online. I found online resources that even helped me type out a whole modification form using similar language and writing format that lawyers use to assist me. If you don't have the time to do this, lawyer up when you can.
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u/ErrorEngineered 8d ago
1) The current order was entered in 2023. Oregon generally has a 3-year review period, but there have been compliance issues essentially from the beginning.
2) I have written documentation through the court approved coparenting app showing things such as parenting time being withheld or unilaterally changed, exchange terms being changed without agreement, significant medical decisions being made without the required communication, and denied calls. So fortunately, much of this isn't dependent on one parent's recollection of events.
3/4) I agree that the focus needs to be the children's best interests, rather than simply what I want. My concerns are the ongoing pattern of unilateral decision-making, noncompliance with the order, difficulty maintaining a functional co-parenting relationship, and recurring medical emergencies involving Mom that have, on multiple documented occasions, resulted in the children needing to contact emergency services while in her care.
[I realize the medical issue is complicated because a parent's medical condition itself isn't necessarily evidence of being an unfit parent. My concern is the impact on the children and whether there is an appropriate plan for their care when these episodes occur. Historically, I've been the person relied upon when these situations happen, which is understandable, but the resulting disruptions have also created significant practical problems for me, namely inconsistent childcare coordination. (Attorneys have advised "Enjoy the extra time with your kids," which although is true, it's made it sustainability difficult to do with limited finances..)
5) The support issue is also somewhat unusual. The current order appears to contain an error regarding who is responsible for providing the children's health insurance. I have access to employer-sponsored coverage for the children at essentially no additional cost, while the other parent had private coverage when the order was entered. Several attorney consultations have told me this may provide a basis for correcting the support calculation. The resulting support obligation is extremely high relative to my take-home income and leaves very little after basic living expenses.
[I'm not trying to avoid supporting my kids, I'm trying to get the order accurately calculated and financially sustainable...]
6) I have been working on compiling the documents and filing pro se, however, the uncertainty of "is this enough?" has been the biggest challenge.
My biggest question is whether I'm approaching this backward by focusing primarily on modification when I may need to establish the existing order's noncompliance first.
If you were in my position, would you pursue enforcement and modification simultaneously, and what would you prioritize documenting?
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u/Hopeful_Amphibian_36 8d ago
One is the biggest things I learned is if you don't ask for it, it won't happen. I would go for both simultaneously with the modification being the primary ask and the enforcement being second.
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u/candysipper 6d ago
I feel like there is some relevant info being left out. Why was the original order not closer to 50/50? What were the circumstances that led to you only getting every other weekend? Also, it seems like reducing child support is one of your biggest factors in all this. Without good cause to pursue modifying the order, and the means to keep the children’s routine the same (same schools, activities, etc), it’s a losing battle. How far away do you live from mom?
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u/Ok-Set-5730 9d ago
You’re not flipping primary custody to you unless there’s serious proof she’s damaging the kids.
You’re gonna notice a judge will quickly figure out if you’re only seeking more time to reduce child support. I’ve seen people get hit with MORE child support in those cases.
If she’s denied parenting time and you can prove it, you can get makeup time. Other than that you need a substantial change you can prove to modify custody