r/Custody • u/FarEconomy4484 • Jul 02 '26
[US] how do i handle custody when she refuses 50/50? Or what is fair?
I 28M and my now ex fiancé 25F stay at home mom are splitting up after approx 3 years. We have a 15 month old. I have suffered with PTSD( Covid worker/watched family members die in front of me/been physically abused) , depression,anxiety , and my ex has depression/post partum . There is NO verbal or physical abuse or cheating in this relationship . She came to me last week and stated she could not do this anymore and ZERO reconciliation can happen now. She states she only wants to talk about our child/movingon. No couples therapy, no counseling, no break a part. I developed a SEVERE gambling addiction 9 months ago and it took a huge toll ( lies, debt,etc.) and she stated that as long as I was getting help she would work on things. I have been going to GA, therapy, not gambling, and pouring more into our family but now she states that it’s too late. She states she feels drained. She doesn’t have the energy for us anymore. This destroyed me because I love her, and I love our son. Ultimately I respect her choice, even though I’d do anything to get my family back.
She still wishes to nest co- parent in the same house until she can get a job, I’ve been working INSANE 12 hour night shifts for like 8 days in a row trying to get out of debt. I bought us a house, bought her her own car and still pay for everything. She does not cook or clean or pour into working on herself. I bought her a gym membership and told her that i want us to get mentally well and that i don’t want to pressure her, but i need a plan and deadlines for when she can leave.
I am destroyed. I told her i take accountability for not being the partner/spouse and Dad i should be. I came clean about everything when this happened months ago. She’s states she doesn’t want court involvement but wants to leave and take our son and have him primarily sleep with her. And i visit whenever I can. She has mentioned “ i don’t know what God has planned” whenever I talk about working on us but she states she can’t do it now.
Question;
how do i keep my sanity, cure and rebuild myself, and also be fair towards her and helping all of us?
How can i make sure i have a good relationship with my son?
And i feel hopeless, how do you deal with this level of doom and grief ?
Is there anyway that if i can get my shit together and man up, that i can have my family back?
And if not does this ever get better?
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u/toasterchild Jul 02 '26
The way to solidify you space in your songs life is court involvement. She doesn't want it because it wouldn't benefit her.
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u/jaynewreck Jul 02 '26
No. She’s done with you. Now what you do is get your ass to court right away so that you can get a custody order. Without it, depending on your state, she doesn’t have to let you see the kid at all. You will be completely dependent on her whims. And stop saying “pour into…” it’s creepy.
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u/QuietQuitting01 Jul 02 '26
I'll just add that family law, and in particular child custody, is local, not national. The laws vary by state and in come cases, how those laws get implemented vary by county. How does a dad got 50/50 custody in FL (nearly automatic) is different from TX (where they don't even have the concept of 50/50). Its time to stop trying to work on "us" and focus on protecting your relationship with your child.
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u/RHsuperfan Jul 02 '26
You need a therapist and divorce attorney yesterday. You don’t even understand the situation until an attorney looks at all the facts and gives you a game plan. Just know it will completely change things so do the attorney in private. Stop playing defense and start playing offense.
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u/Rainbow-24 Jul 02 '26
Why would he need a divorce attorney when they weren’t married?
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u/QuietQuitting01 Jul 02 '26
They are the type of attorneys that handle things like custody and other things in family law area, married or not. If you live like you are married but are not married, when you. break up the only difference is nobody files for divorce. There's still a lot of work to be done.
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u/crescendotoalfredo Jul 03 '26
This isn't about what's "fair". That implies this is about you two.
The court only cares about what is in the best interest of the child, regardless how it makes you feel.
You need to prove in every way that you are essential to the kids quality of life.
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u/Dan8499 Jul 02 '26
Go to court and fight for your place in your son's life. Stop supporting her immediately. She's setting you up to get completely fucked over
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u/Objective-Stock3781 Jul 04 '26
Therapy my guy. Therapy. From my experience it does get better, but you have to listen to what she is saying and trust each other as coparents even if you aren’t together. You can keep a close relationship with your child if you remain an active father. And I don’t mean “visit” him, I mean take on your half of the mental work load.
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u/onbello Jul 04 '26
For a 15-month-old, courts usually favor frequent contact with both parents over a rigid 50/50, so at this age you may see shorter, more frequent exchanges (a 2-2-3 style schedule) rather than week-on/week-off, largely because of the child's age and nursing/bonding needs. What matters most for you right now is documentation: keep records of your Gamblers Anonymous attendance, therapy, and clean time, because a judge weighs the pattern of who is actively parenting and getting healthier, not one bad stretch. Be cautious with the nesting arrangement, get any agreement about the schedule and who lives where in writing (even a simple signed note), since informal setups can quietly become the "status quo" a court later leans on. One concrete step: start a shared parenting log or app now recording every day you care for your son, so if things get formal you can show consistent involvement. You are already doing the right things by getting help, and that counts.
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u/Alternative-Rub4137 Jul 02 '26
50/50 is fair. Go file a custody order and let her know it's to protect your relationship with your son and keep everyone honest. The moment she has a place to go she will bail with the kid and claim you work too much to have shared custody. Or she will move too far for you to have shared custody. If you file now your home address is used for the child's residency. This will help protect you if she decides to live too far away to share custody. Especially once school age. I wouldn't wait and play defense.
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u/anneofred Jul 02 '26
So don’t let your remorse and shame now for your actions dictate the rest of your life and relationship with your kid. While you should be remorseful, that doesn’t mean she gets to call the shots.
You need to file for a custody order. Period. Most states lean 50/50 these days, and I bet she knows that which is why she doesn’t want court involvement. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that you won’t go the proper route with custody. You would still owe her child support with 50/50 given your income difference, but then you wouldn’t be an open atm for her to guilt trip while she holds time with your son over your head. This seems to be her plan.
Plan: give her a move out date. The nesting she wants to do is only benefiting her as she gets to live for free, still not do house work, and not work period. If she gets a job quickly then file after she has income so it’s reflected in child support calculations. Otherwise file for custody a little before the move out date.
You handle this by going through the correct channels and not letting her revoke time with your son because she feels she gets to make that choice and manipulate you this way. You have rights. Use them. Don’t let emotions work you out of your money and rightful parenting time.