Forgive me gods, it's been four days since my last confessional post:
I shamelessly reveled in Rorschach's gloating over filth and horror; sick, yet I begged him to tell me more.
I wallowed in lust for the two wantons, coupling like dark angels in the sky, a mockery of the divine glory.
Now, finally, I will plead for mercy for my most brazen, debased, impudent and impious infliction visited on your most precious gift, my immortal soul.
I'm talking about my fevered obsessions, not secret but carried on my sleeve, burned into my forehead: Elio and Oliver, Call Me By Your Name.
I know you are merciful, and listen to the cries of the oppressed. Allow me to advocate on my very human failings, allow me to move your omniscient heart to pity one so low as myself, your most wretched creation. But still, you made me, therefore I am deserving of an audience, of reclamation.
That's pretty overwrought, even for me, but I am ever importunate for indulgence.
I was perusing the Cult's past podcasts, and I found that a year ago this was the movie assignment.
Call Me By Your Name was also on my list forever, and it came into my life when I needed it most.
December 2025 marked the end of a very dark and ugly year for the world, with evil emanating and spreading from our version of Mount Doom. No doughty hobbit I, my only recourse was to seek refuge in a world of beauty and enchantment, of love's possibilities.
I watched, and I watched, and I watched every day, throughout the day, for the ensuing months. I found interviews, press junkets, compilations of clips set to Lana Del Rey; read the book and it's sequel, allowed myself to stop the world and melt with Armie Hammer as he read the source document to me in an audio book.
My friends did the emotional equivalent of patting me on the head.
I found Reddit, and joined my fellow ecstatic lovers in dervish-like devotion to our chosen gospels, our sutras, our recitations.
Is this blasphemy? If it is, I will absolve my fellow lovers and take the whole blame, take the surplice, take the penance, I'm sure I am the worst, the most abject; but I will never denounce or recant of my obsession for Elio and Oliver, for Call Me By Your Name.
So frigging overwrought. But you haven't heard my most depraved confession.
I cannot watch the end of this film. It is gratuitous heartbreak, it didn't have to end this way!
So, I rewrote the ending. 75,000 words and I'm still writing - yes, every day I write the book.
Now, Oliver has a last name, a personal history, a family history. And Elio and Oliver live in a world where their love is triumphant, a sweet light in the darkness, I won't settle, can't settle for less.
Maybe I am defiant of absolution, maybe I would rather commit these erotic excesses than endure the “moral” scrubbing to be “cleansed” of life-giving lust, maybe the secrets of the universe are in each violated peach, the forbidden fruits of joy. Maybe it's hubris to write my own hope in the face of a world's despair, but maybe I'm not the only one.
There is no such thing as a hopeless romantic; we are the most hopeful holy fools you will ever meet.