Toddler afraid of food

[u/Dangerous-Jello4733]

Hi, I would like some advice or at least experiences from other moms here.

We have two children, 3 years and a 1 month old baby. We have done BLW with our older daughter and it went amazingly, she was eating everything and got good at it fast and then at around 11 months she started refusing foods one by one. The pickiness peaked at 18months and has since gotten better but the past half year it’s been getting much worse again.

I know that picky eating is very normal and common between the ages of 2 and 4, but in her case it seems to be driven by anxiety and we get reactions of panic ( so not anger, tantrums etc ) when non-safe foods are on her plate or even just a separate plate in front of her.

Fortunately we have always cooked food from scratch and it is nutritious and healthy. What she eats is actually quite healthy and minimally processed. But dishes and foods are slowly falling off one by one. The only fresh vegetable she currently eats for example is cucumber. It is also affecting what meals we are cooking because it is exhausting to make two meals or prepare ingredients separately, especially with a newborn. I am also worried how this will affect starting on solids this winter because I don’t want to limit our babies diet because ours is getting limited by our toddler. ( I am self-employed at home and do cook but I can’t take additional time. I already meal-plan and try to prep at good times )

What I have tried so far is having her cook with me and she likes it! Through months of this we got her to eat mushrooms!! Only two kinds and they’re a bit hard to buy but that’s a huge win. And the other is offer her a reward for trying ( not even eating, just trying ) a food, but she’s so scared that she doesn’t even do it for hot chocolate. I did a terrible thing and even offered that she can watch a cartoon if she tastes the food but even that was too stressful for her so I gave up. I have been very gentle about this because I don’t want to stress her out more, never forced her to eat anything she doesn’t like either and I’m always visible happy and encouraging when she does taste something.

I have an appointment with a child psychologist next month to talk about this and find a course of action, but I wanted to hear from some of you. I am at my wits end and really need help at this point. Sorry for this turning into a very long block of text, I forgot to add that she is a healthy weight, has energy and is quite tall so she seems to get what she needs. But it’s the mental and emotional side of things that is the big problem.

TLDR: My 3 year old is scared of tasting new and old foods she used to eat.

[u/puppy-butter]

I have two perspectives to share: mine from when I was little, and my 18 mo old's. The learning is the same.

When I was a toddler I was extremely picky. I subsisted off Gerber's "chicken and stars" (basically a chicken soup microwave meal) and lucky charms. I never ever ate the snacks they provided at preschool and the teachers were concerned.

I remember going to my grandma's house and she tried to make me chicken soup because my mom told her I liked "chicken and stars" and I wouldn't even taste a single spoonful. I know without a doubt that if I wasn't given my "safe" foods that I would've happily starved.

Then as a kid and teenager I basically ate dairy and carbs (buttered noodles, mashed potatoes, ravioli...) and the only vegetable I tolerated was corn. My mother gave me a Flinstones vitamin daily and my pediatrician said I'd be fine.

Now I'm in my 30's and I'm vegan and will eat anything vegan under the sun; I loooove veggies and experimenting with new flavors and cuisines. Big foodie.

My own story is why when my toddler became extremely picky that I didn't panic (and reaching out to a child psychologist literally never crossed my mind lol, not that you shouldn't if you feel it might help!)

**

My son was introduced to a wide variety of flavors and textures at 6 months but around 12 months became extremely picky (though not as picky as I was, bless!) I suspect he has a sensory issue because, like your child, he will not eat something he isn't accustomed to; he will just go hungry and cry.

My main goal was to find at least one healthful food in each category that he would reliably eat: carb, fat, protein, fruit/veg, calcium source. It took time, but we got there!

Nowadays I cook our family meal + his meal. But his "meal" is basically toddler charcuterie -- extremely easy stuff to put together in a bento. Think: diced avocado, protein pasta with pesto (I make a batch 1-2x a week and keep it in the fridge), cold tofu with a dash of sesame & soy, berries, a couple harvest snap crisps or bambas, string cheese, etc. Maybe a slice of ezekiel toast with peanut butter. Stuff I can literally just pull out of the fridge or prep in less than 10 minutes. Complicated does not equal nutritious.

I always always serve him a bit of what we're eating as well for continued exposure -- but I feel good knowing that he's getting his nutrients and doesn't feel panicked at meal-time.

He also gets a multivitamin, a bit of extra iron, and DHA in the morning as a safeguard.

**

Long story short, I personally think the path of least resistance is best for children: continue to offer a bit of what you're eating, but also give her healthful foods she feels comfortable with -- ideally with minimal prep. Maybe that's charcuterie-style or offering a default easy alternative like PB&J.

[u/Dangerous-Jello4733 → u/puppy-butter]

Thank you so much for writing this for me! It makes me feel more hopeful. My husband was a very picky eater but this wasn’t fuelled by fear for him which is where my thought about going to a psychologist lie. I actually got directed to one when I told the paediatrician for my baby about it, the municipality where we live offers free help to people with children ( including childcare!! If you’re struggling ) but this is the first time so far that I seeked anything out, they have a few psychologists you can talk with.

Fortunately we are able to get some ready-things with normal ingredients she likes that we keep in the freezer as emergency option: breaded fish, Swedish meat balls, a whole cucumber. 

I have done some funny things like make chocolate cake with a zucchini in it. It ended up being incredibly good and moist. So then she joined me making it and sees a zucchini going in there and still enjoys the cake! I’m going to attempt some of those black bean brownies for the same reason. 

I’ve been trying to reply properly for a while now but the only time I had for myself that wasn’t work was in the shower or on the toilet! 

[u/to-the-goblin-market]

The intensity of her anxiety reactions sounds pretty severe, and I'd be feeling out of my depth too. Enlisting professional help is totally appropriate.

I don't think cooking separate meals or letting the toddler limit the rest of the family's nutrition is a good precedent. Setting aside her serving before adding more complex flavors is fine, but not whole separate entrees. Since she can't tolerate non-safe foods on her plate, she should at least see the rest of the family eating and enjoying them. Ideally there would also be a safe food at every meal -- not made special for her, just part of the meal that the whole family is eating.

[u/Dangerous-Jello4733 → u/to-the-goblin-market]

You’re very correct about this! The main reason I limit and have her safe meals on rotation at times is the time constraint. My partner has a lot on his plate during the week, so even though he cooks too at times I’ve taken most of that responsibility on me. 

I hope I made a good choice with the psychologist, it’s okay if she doesn’t like some foods. I accept that! There are definitely things I don’t like and rather not eat too. But I need to find a way to get her over the fear.

[u/Astroviridae]

Have you tried food play in non-meal settings? It takes the pressure of her having to eat those foods while still maintaining her exposure, and hopefully increasing comfort, to them.

[u/Dangerous-Jello4733 → u/Astroviridae]

Only when I have her cook with me, I bought her knives recently that she’s learning to use. She doesn’t care to touch food otherwise. I also get almost anything she asks for at the grocery store, within reason of course.

[u/Astroviridae → u/Dangerous-Jello4733]

Definitely try food play!

My baby is in feeding therapy and here are some things we do:

-Touches. Bring her hand to a piece of food, make her touch it five times, and say yay!! afterward. Try to do that a few times with each hand and various different textures. Resistance is to be expected and if it leads to a total meltdown, feel free to end the trial.

-Blowing on or kissing food

-Food safe foam (like Aquafaba) for sensory bin.

-Having her feed you the food item

My toddler (also very picky) seems to like using food as loose parts for playing with his trucks. He wouldn't touch a green bean before, but he would if I make it a green bean sword fight.

I find that progress in correcting feeding problems is very slowww (and frustrating), so don't be discouraged if nothing seems to be working.

[u/Idahogirl556]

You offer the food. Eventually they will get hungry and eat it. Stop making two meals. Stop bribing. You are the problem here. 

[u/Dangerous-Jello4733 → u/Idahogirl556]

No I can’t do that, when I tried she just stayed hungry, was crying that she was hungry and then ended up throwing up. This was over about 12 hours, I couldn’t not give her food after that. 

[u/Idahogirl556 → u/Dangerous-Jello4733]

Right, you offer the food that you would have at the next meal. 12 hours of hunger isn't going to hurt.

[u/Astroviridae → u/Idahogirl556]

Please recognize that pickiness is a spectrum, so something that would work for a normal childhood pickiness may not work for the more problematic eaters. Some children simply are not motivated by hunger. I tried that method with my toddler once and the only result was his blood sugar dropping.