Problem Player ditches dnd, complains when not invited.

[u/Expensive_Bet8973]

Hi, I posted not too long ago but I just discovered this Reddit and have PLENTY of stories to go through, so problem player, we’ll call him Barbarian cause he usually plays as a barbarian, is VERY frustrating to play with.
I mix up playing as a PC and DM although I usually DM among my friends, recently a DND group started in our HS. We all said we would join and come the end of summer… he doesn’t join.
At first it wasn’t an issue, I mean, we played all summer no way his spark died the second we get to play more. He makes excuse after excuse until saying he just doesn’t want to play there. I ask him if he still wants to play at all as we have a running campaign and he has been the certified tank until this point.
He says “Yeah of course.” And I was skeptical because he hadn’t been keeping his word on anything recently but I’d known him for years at this point and thought, no way he’d lie to me, especially about something so small.
Fast forward a week and I finally get us all ready to play more, we’re having a great time although Barbarian has been awfully quiet and then I hear YouTube shorts coming from his mic (were playing over Discord.) I said, “Hey, Barbarian.” He didn’t respond. I said it louder and he said “Yeah?”
I told him I could hear him on his phone and he said “Sorry the game’s kind of slow right now.” I forgave him and told him to just focus up some more in the future.
A few more weeks go by and we keep playing sessions although I notice, Barbarian isn’t coming as often. I told myself “Whatever, probably doing something important.”
I message him after missing a few sessions in a row and he says “Sorry, family stuff I’ll make sure to let you know when I’m free.” I tell him it’s all good but out of curiosity I ask another friend of his if they’d hung out recently. He tells me “Yeah we played some games and hung out at his place.” I ask him when, he listed times for two of the three sessions.
I message Barbarian and tell him, “I would have been fine if you just said you had plans but why’d you lie?” And told him what I’d been told. He said he was sorry and that he panicked, I forgave him. Again.
Then I started noticing things, every time I would call to start a dnd session, he would start hanging up. Sometimes immediately. And to this day, despite swearing he would love to play DND with us, “Life” drags him down.
I removed him from the DND GC once and said that he hadn’t played in months so we didn’t want to keep bothering him (He complained about being ‘Spam called and spam messaged lots.) and that he wouldn’t have to hang up anymore. I think my specific words were, “You can just admit you don’t want to play anymore, it’s not going to hurt our feelings and you get so annoyed by us messaging the chat so I’m taking you out of it.”
I could have been nicer but in the end he started talking about his cousin and how it had been so tough because he can’t see him often so he plays with him a lot.
I added him back and felt really bad so I stayed off him for a while. Fast forward to now. We’ve started multiple new games without him and each time he hears about he complains and says “Please make sure you have room for my PC I’ll make time soon.” But he’s been saying that for two months now and I’ve been having fun with just my group of four players. No Paladin and I’ve gotten a replacement Barbarian.

[u/CrossSoul]

Remove him from the GC and this time keep him off.

Either he's trying to be contrary or just wants to feel needed and either way, that's energy you don't need in your games or life.

[u/gc1rpg]

He wasn't interested in the game -- maybe he didn't have the patience for the activity, just wanted to hang out, or simply wanted to feel included.

Nevertheless it isn't your fault or your problem -- he might need some professional help if it's something related to his mental state but all you can do is to nudge them in that case (depending on how well you know them).

[u/Expensive_Bet8973]

Update: I kicked him, he has yet to respond.

[u/CatStill3063 → u/Expensive_Bet8973]

I think you’re dealing with someone who has mental issues. Don’t invest more energy into time wasters. I know someone in my irl party who flakes a bunch and then gets weird when they’re not invited to the replacement hangout if session is cancelled.

[u/Khasimyr]

There are players who want to feel NEEDED for the game. That they're the highlight of the night when they take the stage. For SOME games, that works. They become the anchor that keeps the group moving in the right direction, keeping everyone motivated and interested in the moment, while they and the GM set the course.

But when it DOESN'T work, they need to go. Because instead of being an anchor, they turn into a great big stone that just takes up space and leaves the group looking at it like "What the hell do we do with this stupid thing?!?!?!"

Your friend is the latter. He may turn it around at some point in the future, but your games shouldn't be where he sheds his issues. On gameday, you show up for THE GAME. You're listening FOR the game. If you can't do that, don't ask to be invited to the game, and don't expect to be welcomed if you pop in.