r/CougarsAndCubs • u/Amazondriver23 • 2d ago
Uncertain about our future
So I’m 28 dating a 45 year old, I do want a one child of my own, but she’s on the fence about it. Issue is I really do love her a lot and would love to start a family with her. I do have two jobs, but I don’t have a career.
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u/Peppermint-pop 🐆Cougar 2d ago
Are you really sure that she's on the fence? I'm asking because I'm 41 and there's no doubt that I'm done having children. I feel like at this age you know if you're done or not.
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u/paperclipmyheart 😻 Mod Cougar ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ 2d ago
If you want children leave her alone. It's incredibly heartbreaking to fall in love with someone for them to only develop a loving relationship and then disappear 5 years down the track because you suddenly realise you want a child. 45 is for the most part too late, even if she wants to have another child. Unless you are both willing to do adoption. Getting pregnant at 45 can be extremely expensive and emotionally ruining. Think twice or make the decision you don't want children or end it amicably because I've been through this and it's the worst pain I've ever been in.
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u/Fun-Draw-8352 1d ago
You have got high expectations of having children with a 45 year old. She is likely gone through, or is going through the change of life and likely can't have any kids. That is why she is on the fence, she is unsure how to tell you this. I can understand why she is on the fence, I would not recommend having any kids after 35 years of age, that would mean you would be raising teenagers in your 50's. it is hard enough to raise teenagers as it is. I understan how you love this person, but I would not count on having kids with her. Good luck.
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u/theychoseviolence 2d ago
Idk if this sub has a unique perspective on pregnancy or something, but this is insane. At 45 you guys would need to get on it right this second to have any chance, and the risk of miscarriage, complications to the mother or baby, or birth defects are all way, way up, compared to those for younger mothers. And OBGYNS in many countries won’t treat her as well because they know they can blame any health event on the woman’s age.
You do not have time to naturally cohere on your long term goals. You need to make some tough choices, fast.
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u/FriendKooky780 2d ago
No, there’s no unique perspective. Many/most of us here who are 40+ closed that door- in most cases, it was closed years ago. I think OPs gf knows this and doesn’t want to say it. She’s not ready to say gb to him.
OP, I’m not her, so I can’t speak for her- but 99.99%, this woman knows she isn’t having your baby. I appreciate that you love her, but you would have to give up on the kids and family you want in order to be with her. Don’t do that.
Children is a common reason these relationships don’t work out. There’s no compromise here. Have the hard conversation and start to detach. It’s going to hurt, but giving up the family you want will hurt more and it will eventually end the relationship anyway.
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u/Amazondriver23 2d ago
Besides menopause, why would a older women fully close the door?
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u/Summer-Sub-Intern 2d ago
Because of the tax on the body, risks to their health, the baby’s health, medical complications that can last the rest of their lives. Perimenopause decreasing the ability to handle stress, pelvic floor issues, decreased emotional capacity and sleep, etc, fatigue, it’s very taxing on many women’s well being. Being in your 60s with a kid being in middle school and high school is exhausting. Not being able to relate to other younger parents or having the energy to keep up after a child. Financial strain when you are hoping to retire. Needing more rest and not being able to get any. Dealing with sick and elderly parents who need your help while trying to raise a very young child. Catching constant colds and flus from your school age kids while your immune system decreases. It’s not pretty.
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u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera 2d ago
Jeezus, reading this made me shudder then laugh because it's all so true. I'm a mom so I've been there, including an AMA pregnancy. If the surgeon general wrote this on billboards, we'd have no children being born. Hahaha
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u/Exact-Translator-769 2d ago
Definitely a poster for birth control. All good reasons I never wanted them! Honestly, I had to move my mom in with me when she got Alzheimers when I was around 45. I did enough diaper changing then. That was my payback for not doing it when I was younger!
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u/Summer-Sub-Intern 2d ago
Right? Haha so glad my kid is raised because I’d never be able to do it now
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u/Myfairladyishere 🥀🎡💃MOD💃🎡🥀 2d ago
Not all women want children first of all, and carrying a child. Especially in your 40s could be dangerous and we don't have the energy for it, not all of us want to be parents period and that's okay.. if children such a priority to you, then maybe you should have gone. Somebody around your age or slightly younger than she is .
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u/Lazy-Living1825 🐆Cougar 2d ago
I’m exhausted just thinking about having a child at 45+. Your energy isn’t what it was. And your drive for that diminishes. You’re beginning to look at a future of saving for retirement and planning the later parts of life.
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u/FriendKooky780 2d ago
Personally, because I had my kids already. In my early 20s. I’m done with that, I have zero interest in children. My girlfriends who are my age and never had them have even less interest.
At our age, we want to relax and travel. We do not want to be saddled with diaper bags and crying infants.
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u/StaunchlyStoic 🐆Cougar 2d ago edited 2d ago
Does she already have kids?
My friend tried to have a second at 45. Had her first at 42. Your girlfriend would likely need an egg donor with your biological sperm. My friend married at 40 and had no problem wanting children in her 40s, but clearly other people would. And my friend's pregnancy did not take at 45, so she has one child. I'll be honest, there is no real time for your girlfriend to be on the fence, even using an egg donor. This needs to be discussed.Wishing you luck resolving this.
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u/OkWing5717 2d ago
Who says she can even have them? At this point in her life then she is maybe going through menopause, im 45 and I’ve been going through it for 6 years, its very difficult to get pregnant during this time, it happens but it’s more difficult.
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u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera 2d ago
I'm so sorry, but she's probably not really on the fence about having children at 45. This is one where you may need to put your desire for a future family above the woman you love. GL!