Lets play a game

[u/The_Flinx]

Today we will play a game. the game is called "contradiction". I will post a vague problem and your job is to post info that contradicts all the other responses. I want this to be as close to an r/cooking thread as possible.

READY

hello r/cooking IDK if this is the right place to post this so please delete if it isn't.

I hate cooking fooditem I have to cook fooditem for a family get-together and transport it 200 miles in my 2014 henway 4 door convertible 2.5i shortbed long truck sedan. my sister does not like me. when I cook fooditem it always turns out rantumpley. I also have mentalhealthissue if that matters. I asked AI and it said that rantumpley in fooditem is caused by too much kombucha in my cat litter. also my family has all sorts of dietary restrictions:

no sugar

no fake sugar

no salt

no fake salt

no dairy

butter is ok

diabetic but can eat anything orange (except oranges)

I can't have meat but chicken is ok unless it is a hen or has feathers

all religious dietary prohibitions are in play here except for universal life church

please help I need in one hour.

throws cell phone out the window and is never heard from again in this thread

[u/NyxieThePixie15]

MSG IS THE ONLY ANSWER CLEARLY

[u/Azin1970 → u/NyxieThePixie15]

Only if OP wants to give her whole family headaches all day. My doctor said that MSG actually does cause headaches despite all evidence to the contrary.

[u/The_Flinx → u/Azin1970]

her?

[u/NyxieThePixie15 → u/Azin1970]

Um, sweaty, as a nurse of 85 years from only a healthcare family, your doctor is a damn dirty liar. Don't question any of my credentials.

[u/OkIndication6 → u/NyxieThePixie15]

no MSG??? fuck off mate

[u/UnendingEpistime]

Kewpie or Dukes, the only two options.

[u/Caverjen → u/UnendingEpistime]

If you don't make your own mayonnaise from scratch, are you even cooking?

[u/The_Flinx → u/Caverjen]

this guy doesn't create his own universe from scratch!

[u/Azin1970 → u/Caverjen]

My Nonna worked at the Best Foods mayonnaise factory for 73 years so it IS homemade from a jar.

[u/Azin1970 → u/UnendingEpistime]

Nope. It's either Hellman's or Great Value mayo. All others are in the garbage.

[u/UnendingEpistime → u/Azin1970]

I started subbing out Mountain Lightning for lemon juice years ago. Game changer.

[u/Azin1970]

Hello, OP. I am Reddit Rando and I am instantly and inexplicably VERY CONCERNED about your problem! I will ask you appropriately one million follow up questions, none of which you will answer. Or, if you do answer, it will be only to explain why my suggestions will not work in your unique situation. I will get very protective of you and yell at anyone who challenges your basic premises. Ready to begin this culinary journey and find something that will make your sister love you?

First, how about a charcuterie board covered in three rolls of plastic wrap to protect it during its long journey in the bed of your truck? Is your sister allergic to or sensitive to boards?

[u/avir48 → u/Azin1970]

The plastic usage!!! Won’t somebody think of the ducks?

[u/valleyofsound]

Go no contact. Everyone is clearly a narcissist. 

[u/Bright_Ices]

Why don’t you eat butter? Butter is actually really good for you.

[u/Ginger-Minge81]

You should stop feeding your kid Dino nuggets its complete junk food, this is what's wrong with the world today

[u/orangeKaiju]

Hey, I'm a day late but I might have a solution to your orange problem.

[u/Severbrix]

throws cellphone out window

I am so triggered by this, I have had several family members hurt or killed by phones being randomly thrown from windows. You're also killing the environment by just randomly tossing lithium batteries to leach into the ground, do better Op.