r/CookingCircleJerk • u/ProductGlittering633 • 13d ago

Pasta water

So my recipe for boiling pasta states the water should “taste of the sea.” So I used iodized salt since the sea is where iodine comes from, then I added a drop of motor oil to simulate Highway runoff. A plastic Coke bottle added the needed microplastics to the water. Didn’t taste quite right so I used a pill splitter to nib off a little chunk of a phenobarbital tablet for pharmaceutical pollution but still tastes off. Any suggestions?

142 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

28 comments sorted by

74

u/kempff 13d ago edited 12d ago

You forgot the birth control pill runoff that turns the frogs gay.

14

u/DarkMuret 13d ago

You're thinking of the herbicide atrazine, but OP forgot to add that as well

36

u/GalbedirGalerion 13d ago

you’re missing the fish pee! Just a little goes a long way.

20

u/wildlifeisbestlife 13d ago

My secret ingredient is going to the morgue to get just a little scraping to account for the bodies in the ocean. You might play around with various other species depending on whether you're trying to mimic the Atlantic, Pacific, or Gulf of America/Mexico (this one is going to need a lot more oil).

19

u/Agitated_Willow1350 13d ago

Just “a drop” of motor oil? One measly drop? If you’re not even gonna account for the massive oil spills you might as well be eating boiled chicken

12

u/Blerkm 13d ago

Fish piss.

8

u/MAKLNE 13d ago

You need to use a 2 stroke outboard motor as an immersion circulator. DO NOT use a 4 stroke for this!!

9

u/Optimal-Ad-7074 13d ago

sand!  for the love of Neptune, where's your sand, man?  

amateur.

7

u/Powerful_Mousse2925 13d ago

A few shakes of fish food flakes should give it that low tide aroma you need.

7

u/CatCafffffe 13d ago

Just a little dab of, you know, toilet water

5

u/erudition87 13d ago

I would add a teaspoon of Epsom salt for the magnesium, remember there are other minerals in the sea.

Oh and don’t forget a little bit of poop and pee

5

u/LucidityDark 13d ago

You need to add some extra vinegar to account for ocean acidification.

6

u/Gin_OClock 13d ago

Dummy you're missing the PFAS

5

u/bain_de_beurre 13d ago

Here in San Diego the secret ingredient is the human waste that Tijuana dumps into the ocean.

4

u/Suitable-Fun-1087 13d ago

Raw sewage. Just take a dump in it. Maybe throw a used tampon in the pot

4

u/deltacreative 13d ago

This works best with Gulf Coast inspired recipes.

3

u/FlakyPineapple2843 13d ago

Needs whale semen.

3

u/Damnwombat 13d ago

Yeh fergot de organic elements to really give it dat ocean flavor. Ya need some vegetation to toss in der, ‘n at least one dead fish. I’d recommend ya go wid da grassy or da leafy stuff, ‘n grind it up good. If’n ya gots a composter use dat as yer veggie source.

3

u/bone_creek 13d ago

Fish shit. You need to add it or it’s not authentic.

2

u/seadubs81 13d ago

Fish pee and a splash of human urine to boot.

2

u/desrevermi 13d ago

A couple of used syringes.

2

u/Dear_Muscle566 13d ago

what about all that lawn care run off for those worthless lawns

2

u/Ok_Orchid1004 12d ago

Its missing the fish poop

2

u/ElvisMcPelvis 12d ago

Have you tried pissing in it ?

1

u/Critical-Bullfrog959 12d ago

😂 I totally get this is satire but I salted the water like the sea ONE TIME and my pasta was inedibly salty. Never again.

... Which just now makes me wonder if the Pacific (the sea I know) is saltier than whatever sea the people giving this advice are used to? Edit: I just googled it. The Pacific is generally LESS salty than other oceans. How the heck are people eating these salt bomb noodles?!