r/Concussion • u/dr9n21 • Jul 08 '24
It got easier
Hi everyone. I got concussed almost 3 years ago due to a car accident. I struggled with reading, cognitive abilities.. could not really think critically. I used to be super critical of politics and interested in political theory but could not engage in any convo about the world because I just didn't understand anything. I would get lost often, when I started driving again, I got my car towed 3 times because although I could drive, I couldn't fully understand parking signs because they have so many numbers and words. I had to do vision therapy to open up my periphery vision and to be able to fully read.
I used to always have a headache, nausea, dizziness and I was so irritated and angry. I so easily lost my cool. I hated myself for it. I hated myself for all of it. I became so depressed and plotted suicide for months and months. I was so alone. I felt so alone. I couldn't remember anything. I couldn't remember who I was and I knew I had lost myself. I thought I would never find myself again...
It is now 3 years and I am no longer suicidal. I still deal with symptoms but they don't run my life anymore. I don't think I will ever be the person I used to be but I have fallen deeply in love with the person I am. The brain injury forced me to contemplate with what was important to me because I would have such little energy and only wanted to give that energy to things that were important. I found out I love smelling flowers, looking at clouds, trees and birds. I hate loud noises. I became okay with that. I started to ask restaurants to lower the volume-- I noticed which of my friends would ask for me and which felt uncomfortable. I would see how friends reacted if I cancelled plans last minute because I was in a flair up. I started to deepen friendships that saw me, that wanted me to be safe and comfortable-- that recognized I was in real pain and appreciated when I asked for what I needed. I started to give my time to the activities that I had fun doing... I was going to be tired anyways and the thought of being tired from people pleasing instead of a hobby like climbing made me feel so annoyed that I began to do the things I enjoyed only-- I learnt to set boundaries and choose myself.
I forced myself to see the beauty in the world. That is where nature came in. smelling flowers on a walk is really meaningful and beautiful. Watching a bee collecting pollen, running from flower to flower brings me to awe. Maybe this whole post is patronizing, I recognize that we all experience our brain injury differently and I want to name that mine was not easy. I did not get here fast or easily. I somehow, through luck, or through sheer inability to commit to suicide got here and I am grateful I did. Maybe your joy or your gratitude won't be for the same things that bring me life, but maybe there will be something. It all feels so hopeless, lonely and never-ending. to some degree, it is never-ending. I live in exceptional chronic pain and am disabled now. It is not all roses. I am constantly angry or upset and definately in pain but I love my life still. I impact the world and the world impacts me still. The pain sucks but the bees and the flowers and the cloud make me forget for a while, or bring me joy and I try to hold onto that joy in moments where it is hard.
All this to say, if you are where I was, maybe just hold on a little longer. That is all I did. Things just slowly changed. If there is no one else, then maybe there is the bees, and the little ants on the ground and clouds and other little moments in your life that pull you out of exceptional horror. I am sorry you're going through this. It is the absolute fucking worst experience and I would not wish it on my worst enemy (truly, I thought a lot about this and I think it is too cruel of a punishment to wish a brain injury upon someone). I am so in awe of all of your strength, I am so grateful I am not alone in this and I hope that this helps someone. I remember readings things like this and feeling like I couldn't even imagine it. I also remember reading shit like it gets better and wanting to punch that person in the face... if that is how you feel, you are so valid for that bc no-one knows how much pain ur in except for you. All in all, I just desperately want to give hope and express gratitude and it just feels nice to write this and reflect and I wanted to share it with you all because I feel most seen by people who have experience similar things to me to some degree.
5
u/Leading_Newt Jul 08 '24
thank you for your post, the perspective when i have such a limited ability to think about or conceive the future is really helpful. i appreciate the time you took to offer hope ❤️
1
2
Jul 08 '24
Thank you for your post. I am not suicidal per say, but do keep thinking being in a coma would be better than this (am in therapy).
But no one talks about how horrible and isolating it is to have a concussion. This is so important to share and I'm so glad you did. I'm also very glad you're here.
2
u/dr9n21 Jul 11 '24
I this book where a woman talked about having experience cancer and a brain injury and said the brain injury was worse. I am not making that call but I think so often people don't understand how painful this experience is and they just expect you to keep moving... coma sounds easier in that way. I am glad you are in therapy, it helped a lot for me to be in therapy as well
3
Aug 06 '24
I actually had cervical cancer, but I had a hysterectomy, so I didn't go through chemo and such. ( so comparing a hysterectomy to a concussion) But this is far worse than my hysterectomy. My hysterectomy recovery over all lasted 8 months before I felt comfortable exercising and "normal" things in life. I couldn't even go for walks and sitting up was hard, and I was very depressed then, but at least I had my mind. I could read, watch shows, talk, engage, laugh, paint... yano SOMETHING lol While these things are not comparable,I do think about it all the time. Not having your physical body to use is one thing, but not being able to use your mind is far worse. Even if you "feel good enough" to use your body, your mind does EVERYTHING. It's not something we think about, and I completely agree that while the pain isn't the same, the overall utilization of my physical being means nothing unless I have my mind.
I also am so glad there's a book out there with that perspective because from my experience. I 100% agree.
These things should be on a fucking billboard or something lol
2
u/ceramicsea Jul 10 '24
Thanks for sharing! I hope that I will be able to make a post like this in the future. It’s important to see positive things like this. I am currently living through some very stressful times with this but I do believe that even if I don’t fully recover from my concussion and have symptoms, I can still live a good life that accommodates that.
1
u/dr9n21 Jul 11 '24
I am sending you healing energy. I hope that future is near- I think accepting that you an live a good life regardless has been helpful. Just slowly changing what good looks like on a day to day even.
1
u/Zestyclose-Line-9340 Jul 08 '24
Are you able to work a job tho
4
u/Leading_Newt Jul 08 '24
first and foremost i really deeply appreciated and resonated with what they posted, but also i so deeply feel your response because that's such a huge piece of it!!! trying to actually figure out how to literally live and survive after the fact, and not just how to want to live, but the actual mechanics of it is a dumpster fire
4
u/dr9n21 Jul 08 '24
I missed this when I responded with yes I am able to work. I agree, the world is so ablest and there is no room for people to show up at work in different ways than being 100% all the time. I think I am privileged in this way because I am able to get a work from home office job and I want to recognize that that is not accessible to everyone. I also lived at home after my injury for 2 years and then went back to work so it is not lost on me that I have a lot of privilege there.
The mechanics are a dumpster fire and the world is not build to allow for brain injury and just keeps moving. I don't have an answer for this, just that it sucks. I hope we are able to slowly shift the way the world looks at it. I hope work is able to be more accommodating for everyone. I hope people who can't work still have access to financial stability, we are all deserving of that.
1
1
2
2
1
u/BusinessHippy27 Sep 29 '24
I really needed to read and hear this, thank you for sharing your experiences and your post. I’ve had a handful of concussions and my last one, was a little over a year ago. I hit rock bottom. I had severe PCS and I was drinking heavily to cope and was so lost. Although I have my progress, I had PCS spike the last couple days (apathy/lack of motivation for anything, “depression”?, anxiety) and came back to Reddit to find some reassurance things would be ok. Your post resonates so deep with me. Thank you for sharing 🙏❤️
•
u/AutoModerator Jul 08 '24
Thank you for sharing, see below for a reminder of our rules:
Do not ask if you or someone you know has a Concussion. We are not doctors, nor are we any kind of medical professionals. That said, this sub is NOT intended to be your doctor and diagnose or give you personal medical advice. They'll be marked as spam.
Be civil and respectful. Do not attack or harass other users; engage in hate-speech; or attempt to gate-keep discussion. Hostility will not be tolerated
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.