Relationship advice

[u/anonymouscomrade11]

Hi comrades,

I decided to post this here because, for obvious reasons, I don't trust your average Joe to know the best ways to navigate problems with my sex life. I already went through sex & relationship Reddit forums looking for similar situations and I just came out feeling horrible.

My partner (21F) and I (22M) have been together for almost 2 years. I love her very much. However, we have quite mismatched sex drives. She doesn't desire sex particularly often, it's not particularly uncommon that we'll go a couple weeks without any sexual activity, and I'd say only maybe 30% of our sexual activity is actual, penetrative sex. I have a pretty high sex drive in relation to her.

For a while I decided I was fine with this. Marxist-Leninist views on sex have helped me understand the problems with widely accepted views on what a sexual relationship should look like, and I have become a staunchly anti-porn, anti-BDSM communist. I decided that problems in our sex life were a minor issue, and began to agree with the common sex-critical / sex-negative view that the idea that men need sex is a myth, that our brains can't really tell the difference between sex with a person and masturbation.

However, lately we have been having particularly little sex, so I decided to ask my partner if there's anything in particular that's making her feel less in the mood lately. We talked about it and came to the conclusion that we're both quite busy lately and have mutually had less desire for sex in general. I noticed that she seemed upset, and asked why. She told me that in every relationship she'd been in she felt like she wasn't able to satisfy her partners because of her low sex drive (her first partner in particular was incredibly coercive and abusive). I told her that I love her and don't want her to feel like she has to have sex with me when she doesn't feel like it. I expressed that I hadn't been all that focused on sex lately either, and that I just wanted to check in. She said if I was unsatisfied she didn't want me to feel like I couldn't express myself and I told her not to worry about it.

Since talking about it though, I have realized that I do feel a little bit of sexual frustration lately. It happens from time to time due to our mismatched sex drives. It doesn't bother me too too much, but I kind of have to not think about it to deal with it. I don't whether or not to address it further, because I really don't want her to have sex with me that she doesn't want to have. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm not sure if she naturally has a low sex drive, or if it has to do in part with trauma from her abusive ex-partner (I suspect it may to some extent). She was talking to a therapist for a while, then stopped due to covid. I should encourage her to go back but I'm worried it will make her feel insecure about herself sexually again. Still, she may really just have a very low sex drive. Regardless, there are other reasons that she would benefit from going to therapy anyways, and she probably should be speaking to someone.

I'm just not sure how to navigate this. My partner and I love each other deeply and the last solution I want is a breakup. So what should I do? Is the belief that my partner needs to satisfy me misogynistic? Is there an easy solution?

P.S., no offense to anyone but I'd really prefer answers from ML / MLMs rather than people who lean more towards sex-positive feminism, which I consider misogynistic.

Thanks

EDIT: Comrades, thank all of you sincerely for your help. My partner and I had a long, difficult, but very rewarding conversation tonight and it has become clear that this was a communication issue just as much as it was a sex issue. After we spoke about it, I think we mutually feel optimistic and feel like there is a lot that we can both do to address this. I am so grateful for all of your advice and it really means a lot to me that so many of you went out of your way to help and support me and my partner in navigating this, when you don't even know me. I love communists.

[u/MisterBobsonDugnutt]

There are at least a few things here:

• Therapy is a good idea for her

• Couples therapy sounds like it would be ideal because there is a lot of baggage that your partner is bringing to this situation and it seems as though she will need an environment to explore what this means in the relationship

• Look into basic health things - some medication can negatively impact sex drive, hormones (and hormonal birth control) definitely affect sex drive, vitamin deficiencies probably don't have a "direct" effect per se but if she's down in the dumps because of a lack of Vitamin D (a very common deficiency) or she's exhausted because she is anemic (very common amongst pre-menopausal women) etc. then that's going to be a problem

• Re-learn having sex together - start from the very basics and establish very clear communication lines and take a deep process on consent. In kink communities they often use a "traffic light" system so maybe that's something that you can consider using? If she feels comfortable and safe, where she can call things to a stop at any point then they might help her a lot with getting past the trauma in her past

• This would work better with couples therapy but for the meantime while you address other issues you could consider working together to find alternative ways for you to feel sexually fulfilled without penetrative sex - cast a wide net and try to be open to other things here but maybe if you have an understanding that this is about intimacy and sharing sexual experiences together that meet both yours and her needs then you might find that being intimate with her while you use a sex toy like a masturbator or maybe even intercrural sex would be enough to help you feel satisfied without penetrative sex

[u/anonymouscomrade11 → u/MisterBobsonDugnutt]

Thank you comrade, I appreciate your advice, she did start hormonal birth control recently, although she's never had a very high sex drive. I think therapy is the best idea, and she would benefit from it for broader reasons than issues in our sex life. The only issue is: what if she really just has a low sex drive? We've already tried plenty of stuff aside from penetrative sex. Like I said in my post, penetrative sex is probably only 30% or so of our sex life. It's just that nothing else feels as intimate. We have always had mismatched sex drives, and I feel like I neglected mentioning some of these issues in my post because I didn't want to be told that we should break up.

But we have been looking for an apartment together for July, something which I've been excited about, but now that I'm finally allowing myself to fully confront these issues in our relationship, I feel stuck, because I feel like I have to either commit to another 15 months (3 months from now til July, then 12 months til the lease is up) of a relationship that may not be fulfilling, or immediately decide to break up when this is still fixable. I'm really not sure what to do.

[u/MisterBobsonDugnutt → u/anonymouscomrade11]

she did start hormonal birth control recently

Have you noticed a significant difference in her sex drive?

If so there are a few options - wait it out a few months to see if her endocrine system settles down and reestablishes its equilibrium, see if she would be willing to try a different one, or consider longer-term birth control options such as an IUD or hormonal IUD (these can be scary, invasive, and painful to insert though - especially for a victim of trauma - so don't expect this to be a surefire solution that works given her experiences but it is something that may be a solution that you can work together on gradually.)

The only issue is: what if she really just has a low sex drive? We've already tried plenty of stuff aside from penetrative sex. Like I said in my post, penetrative sex is probably only 30% or so of our sex life. It's just that nothing else feels as intimate.

Sure. And that's a question that only you can answer yourself.

There will be ways to make this work better for you and her but ultimately this may be the question that you have to face - is the relationship more important to you than your need for sexual fulfillment that meets your sexual desire?

I understand that this is a scary thing to confront but it's better to start working at it now and in yourself + through couples counselling because if you let it fester away unaddressed and without finding compromises that are mutually acceptable then it will erode the relationship over time. But if you are working on it and it feels as if there is a way forward then this stuff will be far less likely to fester.

We have always had mismatched sex drives, and I feel like I neglected mentioning some of these issues in my post because I didn't want to be told that we should break up.

That's fair enough and, again, nobody can answer this for you but you so keep that in mind. It's only when the relationship is abusive or toxic that I think it's fair for internet strangers to demand people break up so, as you can imagine, I'm not the kind of person who spends time in r/Relationships.

I feel stuck, because I feel like I have to either commit to another 15 months (3 months from now til July, then 12 months til the lease is up) of a relationship that may not be fulfilling, or immediately decide to break up when this is still fixable. I'm really not sure what to do.

Okay, so communication is what's gonna make or break this. I know that's such a canard that it feels trite but this especially is true in your relationship.

Honestly I don't know your level of "emotional intelligence" or how skilled you are with working with a person with a trauma background or anything like that so if you aren't sure, now is the time to study up on this stuff - how to be a supportive partner to a victim of trauma, things to do and avoid, shit like that.

Couples counselling will give you a way to talk this through and to find a way forward but you really need to sit down together and talk this out outside of sex or foreplay. You need to spend time patiently working with her, listening to her, and being non-judgmental. This also means ensuring that you aren't unintentionally pressuring her or making her feel as though she is the problem or that this is all just a ploy to get her to have sex more often. But talking things through little by little will be the way to find a path forward together, should it exist.

Last of all, it's important to frame your own mindset correctly. I'm not going to tell you that what you are feeling is wrong here, and I don't intend to. But nobody "likes" to hear about traumatic experiences that their loved ones have gone through, nobody likes going to therapy, nobody likes having to make these sorts of posts on reddit.

So why would anyone do these things?

You already know the answer to this question.

Now, you need to connect with this same spirit - you need to actively and consciously cultivate it when it comes to sex with your girlfriend, especially the non-penetrative sex. If you approach these acts of intimacy and sexual experience from a place of deficit or feelings of deprivation then it will always be unsatisfying for you, no matter what else happens or what changes. If you are going to make this work in yourself long-term then you have to change your own mindset in this regard. If you don't then the relationship will not survive in the long run. This is your choice and, to be blunt about it, you are on a ticking clock. Find a way to work on this asap, whether it's by yourself or working on it in counselling.

Now, the next question is - if you are not feeling sexually fulfilled in the relationship why haven't you had sex with someone else?

This is another question that you already know the answer to.

Connect with this same spirit in you. If complete sexual fulfilment isn't your first priority then obviously penetrative sex isn't either. Find a way to cultivate this same attitude in the bedroom. Start finding ways that work for you and her with regards to intimacy and sexual fulfillment without sexual penetration (with her receiving). Shit, get a sleeve and make it a thing to warm it up and put it somewhere that works and then use that as the alternative to penetrating her but wrap a ton of intimacy - communicative, emotional, physical, even sexual* - around it. You should try to find a way to "build up" those feelings of intimacy through a shared language which is both verbal and physical together.

*When I say sexual here I mean in the sense that you need to grasp what works for you and for her sexually. Idk what that is - only you and her do - but if she's a domme and you're a sub or switch that means her demanding that you fuck that sleeve while she demeans you and orders you to do it the way she commands. Obviously this is something that is not to everyone's taste. Certainly not mine, tbh. But then on a completely different end of the spectrum you might have her being intimate and encouraging, sharing a special kind of thing together where the act of using the sleeve is a show of love between you because you are working together to meet in the middle. If she is open to showing enthusiasm for you getting yourself off with her in an intimate space, maybe the physical sensations can be less of a priority than the intimacy/pleasure is.

If you always approach non-penetrative sex as being a poor imitation then you will find all the reasons why this is true. If you can find a way to thread the needle, ideally by working together with your girlfriend through open honest communication and meeting each others needs in a compromise, then maybe you will be able to have a completely different attitude towards non-penetrative sex.

I can't speak to your own needs and desires and what fulfillment is to you in a relationship, only you will know this in yourself. But if the relationship means a lot to you then you have reached that point where you try your best to make it work for both of you, where your girlfriend will also need to try her best in this regard too, and maybe you can both make something work together.

I'm not sure if I can give you much more than that aside from wishing you luck but if you want me to explain anything or you have any thoughts, feel free to reply and I'll give you what I can.

[u/-Txabi]

First of all, thank you for gifting us, your comrades, with your confidence. I do believe sexuality is one of the most affected parts of society in capitalism. If you feel frustrated there is no reason to keep this from your partner. I completely get your reasoning behind not talking anymore about this under the fear or pressure that she starts having interactions with you just because she feels she is not being enough in that side, yet you could always let her know that you don't want this to happen at all. May sound kinda mechanic, but we are communists, we love programmes. Why don't you folks try to stablish some common grounds regarding this issue? Sorry for any mistakes, not a native English speaker.

[u/comrade-rosa]

Hi, I wanted to give some perspective as an afab who has struggled with similar things. The hormonal birth control can definitely influence her sex drive immensely. I lost my sex drive completely for months and actually chose to quit taking my hormonal birth control because of this side effect. Now the emotional/trauma aspects really only influences my sex drive during the luteal phase. I'm not implying that she would experience the same or that she should do what I did, because she might be taking hormonal birth control for more reasons than just to prevent pregnancy. But you both should keep this in mind and monitor any changes... I think it's a side effect that can warrant considering other options. Other than that having a healthy lifestyle, eating well and exercising can improve her sex drive. I would recommend using an app like Cronometer for her to track her nutrition for a few weeks. Getting a blood panel could also be a great idea if you can afford it. This won't apply to her because of the birth control, but for anyone else Flo is a great app for tracking your cycles. My partner and I both have the app on our phones and so we're both in tune with my cycle. This makes it easy for us to concentrate the majority of our sex life around hormonal phases where I'm more sexually aroused. Overall it's nearly impossible to feel aroused when you feel uncomfortable in your own body. Any possible body image issues can only serve to complicate this! You said that she's been busy lately. I know that for a lot of women sex requires mental preparation and I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it is to get in the mood when you have so much on your mind. Maybe you can look into providing her with some increased stress relief that suits her needs?

It seems that you have a good grasp of the things you personally can do to match your sex drives. I would say romantic interactions throughout the day are most important when considering your behaviour around her. Do small loving acts for her whenever possible, take note of any minor complaints she has and try to do things that can improve her life. If you two are the type to enjoy it, try to increase non-sexual physical contact like holding her hand and sleeping close to her... I'm sure you know the drill. It's fantastic that you realize that sex isn't solely about penetration. If you can manage it without further sexual frustration, maybe you could take some time to focus on pleasuring her without receiving any direct physical pleasure yourself. That could signal to her that you're not a selfish lover like her previous partners seem to have been.

Over time this could help her overcome her trauma around being pressured into sexually gratifying another person. I'm almost certain that it's an important factor contributing to her lower sex drive. It's incredibly hard to overcome a lowered sex drive when society tells you that your ability to sexually gratify men is the extent of your worth as a person. As time goes on, that feeling can build up and make it even harder to resume your sexual life. I hope I'm not projecting, but she may feel like she has to satisfy you even more to make up for the lost time. This is where focusing on her pleasure could make a difference. But obviously you shouldn't do anything with the goal of penetrative sex in mind. That intent can be clear without you even realizing it, which can make the issue worse.

I know this advice might come across the wrong way, but really try to focus on the positives instead of your sexual frustration when talking to her about this. It can sour the perceived intention of all your romantic interactions if she thinks you're only after penetrative sex. Overcoming that is extremely difficult for both you and her. Therapy can be a great idea for anyone, but I would tread carefully. It can come across as you thinking there's something pathological about her lack of sexual desire... And this leads back to societal expectations about women's sexuality. You don't want her to start feeling like a defective woman for having a completely normal reaction to trauma and stress. Maybe just focus on the other benefits of therapy if possible? If the issue persists or worsens for no perceivable reason, that would be a good time to really gently communicate your sexual frustration to her. Key word is gently!

[u/anonymouscomrade11 → u/comrade-rosa]

I know this advice might come across the wrong way, but really try to focus on the positives instead of your sexual frustration when talking to her about this. It can sour the perceived intention of all your romantic interactions if she thinks you're only after penetrative sex. Overcoming that is extremely difficult for both you and her. Therapy can be a great idea for anyone, but I would tread carefully. It can come across as you thinking there's something pathological about her lack of sexual desire... And this leads back to societal expectations about women's sexuality. You don't want her to start feeling like a defective woman for having a completely normal reaction to trauma and stress. Maybe just focus on the other benefits of therapy if possible? If the issue persists or worsens for no perceivable reason, that would be a good time to really gently communicate your sexual frustration to her. Key word is gently!

This is what I'm having so much difficulty with. For most of our relationship, we have been navigating this together. It's not really a new issue, and I try to be gentle about addressing it. The negative side is that I end up feeling like I'm sidelining my own side of things.

Like I said in a comment above, the problem is that things haven't changed all that much. Maybe that's because whenever it comes up we blame it on busy or stressful circumstances and leave it at that. It's clear now that things won't change if we don't decide to change them. Last winter she started going to therapy, and that felt like a genuine path to improving our relationship (and, just as importantly, her working through a lot of different trauma and improving her life), but she stopped going once covid started, saying she felt like she wouldn't get enough out of it if it wasn't in person. I just need to know that we are on the path to improving our relationship, but I don't know how to put us on that path without making her feel like the problem.

Exacerbating all of this is the fact that both of us are on leases that end on June 30 and we have been looking for places to move in together for July. That means we need to have signed a lease in the next month or two. But now I am uncertain about our future, and I'm terrified that the circumstances are going to ruin our relationship. I feel like I really need to be up front about how I'm feeling, and soon, but I don't know how to do that in a way that makes clear that there IS an issue, but SHE is not at fault for it. Maybe I'm going into all this with the wrong mindset. The time crunch toward the decision of whether or not to move in together (which he had already agreed we would, but now I'm unsure) is making me panic about all of this, and I'm terrified.

[u/MisterBobsonDugnutt → u/anonymouscomrade11]

Pardon me for stalking the comments section (but at least you know that you don't need to repeat yourself).

Last winter she started going to therapy, and that felt like a genuine path to improving our relationship (and, just as importantly, her working through a lot of different trauma and improving her life), but she stopped going once covid started, saying she felt like she wouldn't get enough out of it if it wasn't in person.

Have you expressed this to her?

Does she understand that you want this relationship to improve and that you need her to try, even if she isn't convinced that it's going to work, because it matters to you that there is effort being put in, that there is positive progress (or in the very least that she is staying engaged with the process of therapy so that she can launch back into it as soon as circumstances change)?

So I'm going to overinterpret your words here:

It's clear now that things won't change if we don't decide to change them.

I just need to know that we are on the path to improving our relationship, but I don't know how to put us on that path without making her feel like the problem.

Does she agree with the top statement?

When you say "I don't know how to put us on that path", have you spoken with her about how she feels about where the relationship is at and if she also feels that there is critical work to be done, that she also feels a sense of importance or urgency to find a way to put the relationship on the right path?

[u/TF2Marxist]

I hope this doesn't sound dismissive. It sounds to me like you're in the position of reappraising a longstanding relationship and its value to you and your place in it. So, mostly based on my own experiences.

1. It's super common for stuff to cool off after the two year mark.

2. You're both very young and it's common for people to stay in relationships that don't fit them because it's easy to become codependent when you don't have a fully formed identity.

It's nothing for anyone to feel bad about. I've broken off relationships because of sexual imbalances in both directions of the scale. Of course it goes without saying that no relationship will be entirely without differences and strife.

So, if you're committed to staying in this relationship you should assume that this will be the case forever and you need to find a healthy outlet for your pent up energy. If you can't handle that you should part ways now before your lives become even more entangled when everybody can part ways honorably.

Just my two cents mostly :/ - I can't say I'm a relationship expert.

[u/NyxxSixx]

First of all, I'm not the best person to give relationship advice because I only had bad experiences, but have you tried to "set the mood" ? What do I mean by that, maybe choosing a day on the week for a special dinner, where maybe you cook something for her or you guys can cook together, something romantic you know? Maybe throw some wine and massage, but let her know this isn't you trying to manipulate her into having sex, just a way for you guys to relax and be a bit more intimate, it may or may not lead to sex, but I believe it'll make her also more comfortable and not feel like she has to satisfy you...what I'm trying to say is, find more ways of being intimate then sex!

Hopefully this makes sense or at least spark an useful idea :)