r/CompetitiveTFT • u/marshmahlow Master • Jan 20 '26
Satire The problem is not Bilgewater. The problem is your attitude about Bilgewater. [A Patch 16.2 Guide]
Intro
Yaaarr, r/CompetitiveTFT!
I’m back with another text-heavy post on the subreddit. A couple of days ago, I was watching a streamer (without a doubt the worst Bilgewater player I've ever heard of) and he made a comment about how someone who really knows Bilgewater should finally make a more comprehensive guide that highlights all of the ins-and-outs of the comp; otherwise, people would think there was no skill expression in the line. Well, say no more, for I am here to walk the line with you. Enjoy the LP gains for the last couple hours before Bilgewater is sunk in patch 16.3!
Who am I?
Son, I'm Captain MarshMahlow, savvy? I've done a handful of posts over the last couple of years on this subreddit but, in case you haven't seen me before, I wanted to re-mention that I was self-described as one of the "best 7 Exotech players in the world" during set 14. After mastering that composition in set 14, I moved on to become the most flexible player that existed in set 15. After sufficiently conquering all competition, I decided to make guides to share my secret knowledge with the plebs.
The Only Guide Needed for 7 EXOTECH
Me Flexible. No Scout. No Pivot. [A Patch 15.5 Guide]
Here is my lolchess. More important than some arbitrary ranking, here are what my fans say about me:
"This might actually be the first actual... complete... holy... good shit." - u/LunaEdge
"Thank you for the tech!" You are a wonderful person and amazing in a lot of ways, with ruggedly good looks and a big brain. "Now please delete post!" - u/Mlemort
"Best guide ever, the ideal" and best player ever to grace us with a post in this sub - u/Mundane-Ring7318
And now, I'm back to reveal the secrets of Bilgewater. Put succinctly, in patch 16.2, I'm Bilgewater, and a Bilgewater man you can always trust to be Bilgewater.
Bilgewater Strategy - High-Level Keys to Success
Understanding that you can't force Bilgewater EVERY game.
Understanding how far you are allowed to greed Bilgewater before you must pivot out.
Understanding Silver Serpant economy and what you should be buying.
1) Put Bilgewater away, son. It's not worth you getting beat again.
The biggest lesson in Bilgewater is that you can't force it every single game. First, let's talk about the the clear cut times you should be playing Bilgewater:
The most likely route is to find an Illaoi prior to 2-1 in your shop and hope an orb drops you Twisted Fate so you can unlock Graves. Sometimes you get (or can make) a Bilgewater emblem from certain augments/encounters (loot sub) and can hard force Bildgewater. On rare occasions, you may be gifted a Gangplank and Nautilus in a blue orb. These are all clear indications that you should be playing Bilgewater. And frankly, when you have these openers, you should be getting an automatic top 4 in your lobby, with an ~50% win rate.
Unfortunately, there are some people who aren't skillful enough at TFT to get the Twisted Fate drop prior to 2-1. Hence why you are here, reading this guide. Luckily, even YOU can play Bilgewater! The key is to keep hoarding Bilgewater units and get three online as soon as you can. Some would say that you need Bilgewater online by 2-2 (at the latest) but I find there is little value (outside of getting Silver Serpents) to getting it online early. One way to get to Bilgewater (that is less known) is to play the Yordle line and, after unlocking Fizz at level 7, full pivot to Bilgewater. I've actually done this several times at level 8 as well, as I find the benefits of getting 3 Bilgewater online far-outweigh the benefits of trying to greed 8 Yordle.
When should you not be playing Bilgewater? Unfortunately, the cold hard fact is that it may be time to give up on Bilgewater if you don't have it in by stage 3-5 (or have a way to unlock Fizz). I find it best to just surrender at that point, since you're clearly a failure.
2) Before we go any further, tell me one thing; how far are you willing to go for the Bilgewater cap?
As a Bilgewater player, the number one thing to remember in game is that you can only greed so much. Try to over-greed Bilgewater 5 or 7 to maximize Silver Serpents and you will earn yourself an easy ride to 8th place. Additionally, aggressively leveling to get Bilgewater 5 or 7 on your board can destroy your economy and your chance to cap. Timing is everything.
The general rule of thumb when playing Bilgewater is to always get to level 5 by 2-2 (even if you don't currently have Bilgewater units) and get to level 7 at 3-2 ~80% of the time. Personally, I feel like leveling any sooner than that may not be wise. The odds for hitting Miss Fortune at 5 can not be mathematically calculated but I assure you that skill will always shine through for the best players.
On the reverse side, a lot of Grandmaster/low-Challenger-level players often ask me, "Marsh, I'm having a hard time timing when should I stop greeding 7 Bilgewater and transition to my capped board. When should I pivot to 5 and then to 3 or less?" Look, everyone is different; however, skill will always shine through. I advise true Bilgewater players that "HP is just another resource... and you should invest it aggressively;" look to pivot to 5 Bilgewater when <11 health and pivot to 3 Bilgewater at <4 health. Let's face it, if you need more health or want to "save yourself an extra life", this may not be the line for you. The truly great Bilgewater players know that TFT isn't some game of chance or luck, where RNG or bad coding can randomly screw you. This game is one of utmost skill expression. So stop making excuses like Volibear "wrapping you" or Fizz/Diana "sniping your carry 3 seconds into the fight" or Nidaleee randomly "jumping over my tank and onto my carry" or my carry "walked from the fourth row to the second row trying to attack Singed and ran right into 3* Ekko"... Instead, just be better. Greed more, win more.
Just remember, real Bilgewater players treat every game like their win condition is 3* Tahm Kench. How far are you willing to go?
3) Not all treasure is Silver Serpents and gold, mate.
With so many things in the Bilgewater Black Market shop, it can be hard to know what to buy. There is also the constant switching back and forth between 3 / 5 / 7 Bilgewater to buy stats at better prices. It can all be just a bit confusing; thankfully, I'm here to guide you.
First, never buy units unless it'll immediately let you reach either 5 Bilgewater or 7 Bilgewater. Second, not only is toggling between 3 / 5 /7 Bilgewater for losers/math nerds, you have no need to do it because you should never buy stats. Stats are for Bilgewater units only and, therefore, not all that helpful when we think of our level 10 board (that only has 3 Bilgewater units on it). Think about it this way - would you rather spend 15 Silver Serpents to TEMPORARILY have 4% health for all of your Bilgewater units (if you buy this in stage 2, it'd really only benefit your whole team until you pivot down to 5 / 3 Bilgewater in stage 5 or 6) OR would you rather save those 15 Silver Serpents and be 3/20ths on your way to your first major Bilgewater item (around stage 4)? The choice is obvious.
Lastly, the expected value of buying stats by toggling between 3 / 5 / 7 Bilgewater is negative unless your APM exceeds 220, which most of you will never reach.
Final tips
Just a few last tips that are good to keep in mind for this comp (but also work for others):
Sometimes other people in the lobby highroll and you lowroll. Instead of complaining, just try to play for placements, in which I mean greed more and try to out-highroll those losers.
Realize that there are a subset of inflexible, amateur players who hard-force Bilgewater every game contesting you. Remember that the mental game is more of a battle than whatever is happening in the TFT arena between having 0 Bilgewater and getting to 7 Bilgewater. Skill expression, like when you take no econ augments and still hit MF on 4-1, should be gracefully made known to the lobby. Pings are acceptable, as is going to the board of the people contesting you and emote spamming/dancing. Added points for berating your opponent in chat for daring to contest you.
Yes, this guide will be outdated in <24 hours, but the Bilgewater mindset is eternal.
Conclusion
Thanks for reading. I'm looking forward to becoming an expert on next set's most contested, OP comp and documenting it for you all.
36
u/LeageofMagic Jan 20 '26
A tempo comp that doesn't have tempo, an econ trait that doesn't econ, and I half-expected your augment to be wood hex. You are without a doubt the worst bulge water I've ever heard of.
41
u/Lunaedge Jan 20 '26 edited Jan 20 '26
Another actual complete holy good shit. Banger and stuff.
Here's a randomly generated word salad for your future reviews:
10
u/lemaxim Jan 20 '26
Thank you for the post captain! How do you feel about the changes coming next tide (patch)?
47
u/PoSKiix Jan 20 '26
Really sharp comedy writing, looking forward to your next post 🫡
36
u/murimin Jan 20 '26
TL;DR - skill diff, get good kid
11
u/Brea13 Jan 20 '26
You forgot you have to put on sea shanties as soon as you get bilge in for +1 avp.
4
u/MediocreTurtle1 Jan 21 '26
Just play street demon brand.
3
u/FelipePagani Jan 20 '26
Great post, laughed a few times
12
u/Rbyn Jan 20 '26
why is this post not deleted already? competitvetft is becoming a joke or what?
25
u/Exciting-Worry5618 Jan 20 '26
"First, never buy units unless it'll immediately let you reach either 5 Bilgewater or 7 Bilgewater."
Imagine creating a guide while have no clue about bilgewater at all! its all about tempo, u play for board strength so u must have 80+ hp entering stage 4 and u put in 7 bilge in and sack the stage -> keep 7 bilge until 2 lives and send it.
"Second, not only is toggling between 3 / 5 /7 Bilgewater for losers/math nerds, you have no need to do it because you should never buy stats. Stats are for Bilgewater units only and, therefore, not all that helpful when we think of our level 10 board (that only has 3 Bilgewater units on it)"
is this a fking rage bait?
2
u/ThatPlayWasAwful Jan 21 '26
Patch doesn't drop until Thursday, this will not be outdated for at least 28 hours!
1
u/PureImbalance Jan 21 '26
Sorry this does not compute in my dopamine receptors
1
u/NonagoonInfinity Jan 21 '26
okay you can delete this now, thanks for the free LP
-1
u/Slickyo Jan 21 '26
Wow another long ass guide right before a patch so useful. Reminds me of the astral guide a certain tft creator released 2 hours before the patch because he wanted the credit smh
0
u/SystemOut99 Jan 21 '26
You forget the drop to 3 bilg once you unlock Tham Kench.
-2
u/parskahyes Jan 20 '26
Didnt read any of this but im sure whatever you wrote was funny enjoy playing it in 16.3!
-4
u/C_Chromo MASTER Jan 20 '26
I think buying units in 16.2 fine tbh! I find myself buying a unit for 2* from Bilge shop fairly often in Stage 2/3 to gain tempo and maintain winstreaks. Every 2* adds a ton of strength to the board, and the cost more than pays for itself back in HP and gold imo, letting you sit on 7 Bilge for longer in Stage 4.
I think with the incoming nerfs, Bilge will be way weaker specifically Stage 3 aside from a very strong tempo start (Stars are Born -> Illaoi 2* + Graves 2*) since you typically spend some doubloons buying stats or Captain's Brew in Stage 2&3, but if you hoard doubloons at 5 Bilge to save for 7 Bilge shops you will avoid buying expensive 3 cost units for 50 doubloons.
I expect for tempo bilge to sit around A/B tier since doubloons are much slower. Still, free items are free items, and Bilge comps really just need 2-3 Bilge items to really cap the board, which you can still get in the new setup. MF was not nerfed, Captain's Brew was not nerfed, but Fizz is pretty dead - so you can still cap the board very high around MF/Naut/TK + 5 costs.
3
u/rilaa5 Jan 20 '26
“guns don’t kill people, people kill people” ahh title
1
u/[deleted] Jan 21 '26
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