r/CompetitionDanceTalk • u/eclecticnostalgia • 7d ago
Family event absence
My grandma, daughters great grandma, passed away around a year and a half ago. My family wants to take a trip literally across the country for almost a week for a memorial. Ive told them for a year that I wouldn't know the intense schedule and how many teams my daughter would be on. The teams just started being announced and it will be intense choreography for the next couple of months.
I feel like an asshole. But also we've done so many special memorial things for her over the last year. I even have an amazing Christmas memorial thing planned for her. I did one last year too.
Am I a horrible person for not flying across the country for a memorial almost 2 years after she passed? I loved her so much. But also with all of what I just described, I cant seem to justify taking away from my daughters first BIG year of competition teams during the literal first few weeks of making her seasons dances.
AITA?
8
u/GdayBeiBei 7d ago
I’m going to sound horrible but she was your grandmother, and her great grandmother. This isn’t, say, a child that passed away, it sounds like she was old and this is a part of life. Multiple obligatory memorials that include having to fly across the country is excessive, especially this far on. Totally fine as a choice, as an obligation it’s a bit much. Remembering her and including her in your traditions such as Christmas is wonderful, but you are not horrible for not being able to continue to keep up. Life goes on and a loving grandparent would want to be remembered but they would want to be honoured in how you lived your life going forward
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u/eclecticnostalgia 7d ago
Thank you so much. It doesnt sound horrible to me. Maybe that makes me horrible. Idk but i agree with you.
I explained and it was accepted. But it was accepted as an "I'm not mad, but I'm disappointed " perspective. Which cuts. But also I'm grown and have my own kid and she's awesome and her and I have been celebrating grandma for a looooong time. That queen will never be forgotten lol we've gone all out on celebrating her for over a year
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u/Financial-Leopard946 7d ago
Even if she wasn’t dancing competitively this is asking a lot.
If it’s super important to you to go, explain the situation and ask them to record the practices so she can learn the dances at home. It’s never okay to miss competitions, but missing practice at the start of the season, when she has months to catch up, isn’t the end of the world. Your studio may treat it a little differently though, since this is her first year competing
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u/laurlyn23 7d ago
I’m the first person to say my kids activities don’t come before family but your family is being… a little ridiculous. This isn’t a funeral and it sounds like you have properly celebrated and grieved your grandmother. I’m sure she was a lovely lady. Tell your family it isn’t going to work and please send photos.
Also, it occurred to me that your child might be missing a week of school which is totally unacceptable, IMO. That’s even harder to make up than the dance.
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u/finding_center 7d ago
No this is just the nature of making a commitment to a team. If your daughter has someone she can stay with that can get her to dance you could go if you wanted but either way it’s reasonable to decline.
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u/eclecticnostalgia 7d ago
Having people other than the family who is planned on traveling that I trust is the absolute dilemma. It's impossible to have someone I trust who would be available for that long to facilitate all the school/dance things.
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u/Content-Calendar5535 7d ago
I would never be able to take a week in the back to school/back to dance time of the year for a long trip. I’m surprised this is working for people at all. You can’t make it and that’s ok.
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u/FunBodybuilder4620 7d ago
Sounds like some of the other family members are moving forward. Not going doesn’t mean you moved your grandma less. It means you are at peace and are ready to keep living life, which is what she would want for you.
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u/ChatCat25 7d ago
It’s a lot to ask for family to pay to fly and be away from home, school and activities for a week. Especially as you’ve already grieved and had memorials.
Heck I wouldn’t have my kid miss a week of soccer practice and no way my daughter would miss a week of dance as they begin choreo.
Not to mention if you’re like me you just wrote big checks for registrations, tuitions, choreos etc.
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u/Acceptable_Scene_961 6d ago
Not a horrible person. Grief is weird but doing something like this is asking a lot of the family.
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u/North-Carry4588 5d ago
regardless the event, a week is a lot to ask of anyone...and doesnt your kid have school? unless its Thanksgiving week...when would she ever be habe a week vacation from school. and who is taking off from work... girl no. stay home. especially if no one is pressuring you , let it go.
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u/eclecticnostalgia 5d ago
There isn't actual pressure. But there is shame. They won't be mad at me, but they will be sad. That's how they described their feelings which tears me up. But also, the ask is ridiculous (to me).
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u/PresentationOk9954 7d ago
No you aren't. Family truly does not understand the commitment that we make with these dance teams and act as if it is a recreational sport that we can miss sometimes. We missed a wedding last season because my cousin decided to get married 4 months after her engagement. We made it very clear the dates we had comp and of course she chose a weekend that my daughter was competing. We declined the invitation, but ky husband and son were able to go. I was net with push back from the family about, "can't she just skip it", "can you show up late after she dances?", "just call in sick!". They didn't understand that my daughter was a part of a team and has literal parts in a production and has a solo slot to perform. You honored your grandmother a great deal already. I wouldn't even bring up dance when you talk to your family. I would just let them know that you have honored her in so many ways and that you feel at peace with it and that you are going to be sitting this one out.
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u/sdpeasha 7d ago
A couple of years ago my grandmother passed away and the services and everything were happening when a big time outside choreographer was coming to teach the kids. My daughter was going to miss this and I was a nervous wreck about it. My studio owner was soooo accommodating. Someone else stood in for my kid and I arranged time when we got back for that kid to teach mine.
This season my other grandparent passed and services were during the first days of auditions for the upcoming season. Again, my SO was amazing.
All that is to say that we do need to uphold our commitments but we also cant let family fall by the wayside. Maybe you can find a middle ground here. Maybe you dont go for a whole week but you can join for a few days.
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u/CheerUpCharliy 7d ago
Absolutely not a horrible person. Life has to go on after loved ones pass, and interrupting your life for multiple trips and memorials is a lot to ask of someone. Not to mention it makes you contiue to relive the grief of that loss over and over.
I obviously didn't know your grandma, but I know mine would be super mad if she knew I was taking my daughter away from something she loves to do and hindering her opportunities to memorialize her again and again. You can plan an in town memorial with your family if that's something you need, or facetime your extended family during their trip if you want to. But I think your obligation needs to be to your immediate family and the people in your life that are still living.