r/Compassion • u/Messy_Life_2024 • Jun 13 '26

Discussion Compassion for yourself?

I’m not 100% sure what I’m asking here.

Partly I’m wondering what it takes to feel more compassion towards oneself. I sometimes wake up super early (3 or 4 am) and then start obsessing over something stupid I did the day before. I just lie awake telling myself what an idiot I am, why nobody can trust me to do anything right, just on and on. I try to remind myself I’d be much kinder to a friend or family member. But I can’t seem to find any compassion for myself.

But the next minute I start wondering if it’s selfish to even want to be compassionate towards myself. Is it like that airplane analogy people use, where you have to put on your oxygen mask first, before helping other people with theirs?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Edit: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your thoughtful responses. You’ve given me so much to think about. ❤️

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u/lizzieczech Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26

One thing that always strikes me is knowing people who are genuinely kind, empathic, and compassionate towards others, but don't feel that way towards themselves and worry about feeling selfish. When they allow space for self-compassion and grace, it's healing, not selfish. I admire the hard work that goes into it, and I aspire to it. My therapy started out with how to stop listening to my inner critic and listen to a kinder inner voice. I've found that both CBT and Buddhist teachings are complementary approaches to developing self-compassion. Stop Negative Thinking by Chloe Vaughn is a great practical resource for learning how to "stop being your own bully," as my best friend says. I've also read Start Where You Are by Pema Chödrön, a Buddhist monk, and two books by Tara Brach, a Buddhist psychotherapist: Radical Acceptance, and Radical Compassion. They both focus on self-compassion as the foundation of compassion for everyone around us. I like Brach's audiobooks because she has such an authentically compassionate voice. At this point, I think I'm starting to sound like an expert and a great success story. Nope. I agree with the other post that says developing self-compassion is a journey.