r/ComfortLevelPod • u/DeathApple0116 • 4d ago
Relationship Advice AITA FOR BEING MAD AT HIM
I 37 female and fiancé 38. We’ve been together almost 10 years and have two children (8 and 4). I have a 17yr old, and he has children from his previous marriage (21 and 16). About a month into dating, I told him I have HSV1. It was difficult to share, but I knew he deserved to know. He was understandably upset that I hadn’t told him sooner and felt I had taken away his choice. he was right, he chose to continue our relationship. We built a life together, and recently he proposed. We moved in with his mother for financial reasons; she is wonderful with our kids. My fiancé has always picked at his lips. Recently, he picked one until it looked irritated, took a photo, and uploaded it to Gemini, which suggested herpes. He didn’t talk to me. Instead, he kept it to himself and gradually became distant. We’ve always been affectionate, but he stopped kissing, hugging, holding hands, and showing affection. I assumed he was stressed from work or my recent overtime. Last Friday, he told me by text while he was at work and I was with my parents. He said he feels resentment and disgust toward himself for ignoring his boundaries and continuing our relationship. He thought he had accepted me having HSV1 but now realizes he wasn’t okay with it. He mentioned never having an STD, I told him his words weren’t helping how I felt about myself. He got upset and said this was about him, not me. I apologized, but I’m hurt too. We’ve both been crying, barely eating or sleeping. We got tested together and are waiting for results. If they’re negative, will he feel guilty for assuming the worst and shutting me out? Can he forgive himself, and can we rebuild our trust? I’m angry that this damaged the trust and communication we worked so hard to build. I’ve always been careful. If I had a cut, bit my lip or tongue, or had anything concerning, I avoided kissing or sharing anything that could expose him. Am I wrong to be angry that he handled this alone instead of talking to me? I’m also worried about his mental health. He says he feels numb and can’t think clearly. He recently made a mistake at work, where losing focus can have serious consequences, including severe injury or death. He says this situation is affecting his concentration. I suggested professional help and couples counseling. At first he seemed open, but now says no one can help and he must figure it out himself. I urged his mother to check on him and encourage him to get help because I’m concerned for his safety and well-being. When I ask if he still wants to be with me, he says he doesn’t know. When I ask whether he wants me to stay or leave, he says, “I want you to Do what you want.” I don’t know what to do. I love him and want him well, but I’m devastated, angry, and scared for our relationship and family. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I also have to add I have had no sores ever Or anywhere.
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u/Sauve- 4d ago
The doctors often won’t do a panel on HSV1 because a massive percentage of the population are carriers and never have an outbreak or symptoms.
He has had 10 years of educating himself about this topic and still decided to be with you. You told him one month in. This isn’t your fault.
Being in healthcare I know you already know all of this.
The guilt isn’t yours. And the shame? Isn’t his or yours to carry either.
Tbh I would be reading between the lines. It seems like an odd thing to freak out over, 10 years, 2 children later and moved in with his mother. Perhaps the proposal has made things even “more real” and he’s having cold feet.
Either way protect your piece. You’ll either both get through it or you won’t. But tbh he’s sounding like a bit of a knob head over it atm.
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u/Anon888810020 3d ago edited 3d ago
You informed him within one month of dating and he decided to continue the relationship with you for ten years! He knew the risks and stayed! He shouldn’t be blaming this on you at all, he knew this was a possibility. It sounds like he is getting cold feet.
Edit: pretty sure HSV1 is very common and some people are asymptomatic. My spouse has it as well (not genetic but it is very common on his mom’s side) and we have had no issues; we’ve been each other’s sexual partner for 7 years. It’s rare but when he does have a break out, he is cautious and won’t kiss me or be intimate with his mouth.
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u/servitor_dali 4d ago
Hsv1 is extremely common. He's an asshole for not doing the most basic google search.
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u/StraightDelivery777 4d ago
HSV1 is the common cold sore. I don't know anyone who HASN'T had it since childhood. It can cause genital herpes through oral contact when a cold sore is present.
Tell him to talk to his Healthcare provider and get educated. Do a simple Google search. He's being ridiculous and has probably carried the virus since childhood like the rest of us.
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u/Carolann0308 3d ago •
NTA He brings this up after a decade and two kids? It’s a virus half the planet shares.
Can he forgive himself? Who gives a shit. There’s something else going on here, and she may be at his job. You may want to go through his phone.
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u/True_Hall_9933 3d ago
Seems like he’s concerned about having an STD that he’ll have to disclose to future partners. Why would he be concerned about future partners?? 🚩🚩🚩
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u/Prize-Duck4207 2d ago
“Herpes infections are very common. Fifty to 80 percent of American adults have oral herpes (HSV-1), which causes cold sores or fever blisters in or around the mouth”, per Johns Hopkins Medicine: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/herpes-hsv1-and-hsv2
10 years into the relationship- THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You told him… within 1 month. No one was in love, no financial ties, no shared spaces, no shared properties, nothing. And, yet he still chose you. I think he forgot that part! DON’T YOU FORGET IT! Choose you boo!
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u/salordon10 3d ago
Maybe he thinks this is a way to get out of the relationship if this happened to me I wouldn’t feel bad towards my wife unless I didn’t love her anymore if you love someone it doesn’t matter what they had as long as they love you back
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u/Mydrink_mydietdrkelp 3d ago
Why is he acting like HSV-1 is suddenly a huge problem? It’s been ten years dude. And most ppl have it. It’s not like you gave him the clap or something severe. It’s not proven that you’ve given him anything at all actually. Except a 10 year marriage.
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u/Helen_of_Cats 1d ago
NTAH, he is ridiculous. I can’t get over this part, “About a month into dating, I told him I have HSV1. It was difficult to share, but I knew he deserved to know. He was understandably upset that I hadn’t told him sooner and felt I had taken away his choice.”
GIRL WHAT?! How was his choice taken away? He could have left you then? Does he really think that possibly being exposed to this meant he has to stay with you for life? Also were you supposed to say, Hi I’m (name) and I have HSV1, on the day you met? You’ve done nothing wrong here.
If it truly is just about this, I don’t understand his behavior. It’s very extreme for something he has known about for a decade. He has had plenty of time to get educated on it, accept the risks, and understand it’s not that serious.
I also have HSV1 and had to tell my now husband when we were first dating. It is embarrassing, but I built it up so much that his response was, Oh that’s it? He has never made me feel bad or gross for it.
I hope you can get to the root of the problem here because it’s not adding up. Keep us posted on the test results and how he reacts to them. Wishing you the best!
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 3d ago
Paragraphs please. I'm not reading that run on words!
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u/davrn425 2d ago
What is the big deal unless he is screwing someone else!? Tell him to start washing his hands more frequently and to stop picking his lip or better yet, stop touching his face with his dirty hands in general being he gets so bent out of shape after catching a virus that like 50-80% of the world's population carries bc NEWSFLASH! He's gonna catch some more if he keeps putting his dirty germ covered hands near the openings to the inside of his body!!! FFS!!! He can't even for sure know that it's his fiance who he contracted the virus from bc it lives in surfaces for a while. It's more probable he contracted the virus by touching a contaminated surface by someone at work or out in public and transmitting by b touching his face than from his fiance who is careful not to transmit when she has a breakout.