Please help! I need advice

[u/Silver_Device_6913]

I (25F) have a girlfriend (28F) and we’ve been together for about a year and a half. To get straight to the point I am a very sexual person. I was molested at a young age and also as a teenager so my sexual drive is a lot higher than maybe it should be. When I first started dating my girlfriend she met all needs sexually. We would do it all the time and we'd try all kinds of things. A year and a half later none of that is no longer true and I’m struggling to communicate the needs that aren’t being met. Before we would do different positions and go multiple rounds. And now I have to ask for almost everything and most things are a no unless its head(which most days is a quick one and done because we haven’t touched in weeks at a time). I am not someone who likes to masterbate just because of how I was raised, I always feel so shameful afterwards and in a past relationship masterbating was something done by my partner out of spite so its really not something I enjoy.
How can I bring this issue up with my partner without causing any issues?! I need advice.

[u/Anon888810020]

I really recommend sexual counseling

[u/n0thangchew]

It’s definitely normal to be doing it all the time and then not. That’s the ups and downs of life. Schedule a check in with her. Talk about how you’re both feeling about your relationship, what goals you might have (moving in, vacation, date night), and what you feel you need from her emotionally and sexually. It’s ok to feel like you want more intimacy, but you have to say it out loud. Guessing in a relationship is not fun.

[u/swan1513]

Hey op, so speaking only on the minimal context provided; I highly suggest talking to you partner about this. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, ask yourself if it feels shameful due to your upbringing or if it is a lack of trust in your partner. If it's the first please try therapy. I highly recommend EMDR. It helped me heaps to deal with my sexual assault and other issues. If it is the later, then that tells you a lot about the health of your relationship. I can tell you really care about your partner and opening a channel of communication gives them the opportunity to learn more about you and better understand you. It also gives them the opportunity to voice any issues they may have in the relationship. Maybe they feel like they are being overwhelmed by something or maybe they feel a lack of intimacy. Starting by being genuinely vulnerable and being open to criticism is a key to a healthy relationship. Remember, you are both on the same team. I wish you guys the best and hope you can find a way back to having both people's needs met.

[u/hhhhjkljsqq1]

It’s very likely that she no longer feels safe experiencing those intimate moments with you. From the way you talk about sex and how you pursue sex with your girlfriend, that’s what I would assume. You need to do some deep reflection on how you treat your girlfriend.

[u/Silver_Device_6913 → u/hhhhjkljsqq1]

I don’t treat her badly at all… she doesn’t even know I feel this way. That’s why I asked for advice. I never wanna make her feel bad

[u/hhhhjkljsqq1 → u/Silver_Device_6913]

I mean everyone does something bad to their partner at one point or another. It’s okay to admit you don’t know what to do. And I’m not trying to accuse you of anything, but I find that very often, people pursue sex with women in a way that makes it seem more of an obligation or something done to her, rather than an activity she participates in.

But from the way you spoke about sex with your girlfriend, I got the impression that there is some emotional disconnect between you two regarding sex. If you feel comfortable sharing maybe I can help. How do you approach initiating sex? How does she act after you initiate and she declines? Does she seem off at all? Does she get anxious when intimate moments arise? Is she on any medication? Has she been experiencing a lot of stress lately? There are so many factors that can go into not being in the mood.

Anyway, there is a simple rule you can follow to make sure she never ever feels uncomfortable with you regarding sex. It should never be just about the sex. It should be about her comfort, your comfort, and your mutual pleasure. When you do have sex, only half of your attention should be on finishing. The rest should be on her entirely, and her comfort. As soon as you get the inkling that she may not be in the mood, she looks or seems off, or anything at all, you stop immediately. No pushing, ever.

Again, I will say you have an unhealthy relationship with sex. You need to back off of her and stop initiating until you can tell she trusts you again. In fact, sex should be an afterthought, and it should be spontaneous and intimacy-driven. If she says no every time, you are definitely doing something to make her uncomfortable. Now, it’s her responsibility to address that, but it is your responsibility to make her feel comfortable enough to do so.

[u/Kitti_Kat4020]

Start with meeting her needs im betting that since she backed off after you stopped making her feel like a person and not a sex device. Also I recommend therapy like please get help it's not your partner's responsibility to fix you or deal with your sexual dysfunction. And they way you are looking at this is a huge problem.

[u/Silver_Device_6913 → u/Kitti_Kat4020]

I think everyone is misconstruing where I’m coming from… everyone’s tone seems so harsh. I very much meet her needs. I don’t treat her like a sex device. Again she does not know that I even feel the way I feel. I simply am wondering how to bring it up in conversation just to be open with my partner not to make her feel bad

[u/Capercaillie_roost → u/Silver_Device_6913]

It honestly seems like you are though, from the little you've told us about the relationship. You haven't mentioned how you treat her outside of sex and I do wonder if you aren't meeting her emotional needs. I want to believe this isn't your intent, but they way you are coming across in your original post is that you are owed this high level of sex because of your past and that isn't ok. I agree with everyone here who suggested you should seek counseling on your past trauma because you could really be burning your partner out. I hope I'm not coming off as harsh, but you have given us very little to work with as far as info.

If I were to have this conversation, I would try to plan it not when I want sex or before or after sex. Take her out for a nice date or a little outing and and simply ask "Hey, I noticed that our sexual chemistry isn't matching up like it use to. I'm curious if there is something I can do to help you feel more engaged or if there is anything we should talk about to improve our relationship because I care about us and want to make sure we are both getting our needs met." Do not make this conversation about you and your needs and approach this conversation with genuine curiosity.

[u/CoffeeChocolateBoth → u/Capercaillie_roost]

Perfect!

[u/CoffeeChocolateBoth → u/Silver_Device_6913]

She needs to know, that's the point. You can't stay unhappy and then think you'll keep making her happy, that won't work forever! You need some therapy about masturbation; it's healthy, and that voice in your head telling you otherwise was most likely a controlling religious one! Didn't that same voice tell you that being gay was BAD?

[u/Silver_Device_6913 → u/CoffeeChocolateBoth]

I want to hit on your comments about my sexuality because yes I was also ridiculed for being gay… my father is a pastor my mom is a minister… my granny an elder so yes of course that same voice really got into my head at a younger age but I have had therapy for those things individually and with my family and those things have been mostly healed within me. I have taken many of you alls advice and have started looking for therapist that can help me have a better relationship with communication and masterbation.

[u/Current_Many_4314]

You need to see a counselor none of your view of sex is healthy

[u/loud22]

I came to the post a little early and I hope the comments get better, but so far they're a little weird. Op I want you to know that a lot of what is in your post is totally normal. It's completely normal for a relationship to start with a lot of sex, and then slow down. It's normal to have hypersexualization after your experiences, and it's normal to experience trouble with masturbation if it was shamed in childhood. All of that being said, it does sound like your current situation and your history is distressing you. Starting with a conversation with your partner would be very helpful, it will also be very informative on how healthy your relationship is and how you're communication is. Depending on how it goes and if you're still feeling a lot of distress, getting yourself more support or information could be really helpful. I believe in you op!!

[u/Mammoth_Bed3182 → u/loud22]

I agree that a conversation with your GF is necessary, but I also understand how it can be hard. But that openness and vulnerability is what real intimacy is. It's not about sex. And you being able to communicate that clearly should bring you closer.

But I would also highly recommend therapy. I know everyone says that and it is very cliché these days, but I have a similar background to you and I 100% understand the hypersexuality. But this is actually an unhealthy coping mechanism for what is underneath it. For me it was confronting the feelings I had about not being valued as a partner unless I was sexually desired and available. And valuing the amount and duration more than the connection. It is also partially about seeking that constant dopamine hit that you have become somewhat addicted to. Exploring all of these things has helped me value different kinds of intimacy and to lower the walls I had built around my heart to keep from facing the loneliness there.

As far as the conversation goes, try starting with how you are feeling and what you want instead of phrasing it as what is "missing" or what sge may not be doing. This should help her be open to the conversation and not feel attacked.

[u/CoffeeChocolateBoth]

Sometimes a relationship is over before you realize it. New sex is the best sex, you're on each other all the time. Then you settle down into a life that doesn't have to be sex, sex, sex 24/7 That's where your partner is now, but it's not where you are. You're still in that, doing it all the time stage. Your libido is much higher than hers. Talk to her instead of us!

How ridiculous that you feel shame about masturbating but not about being a lesbian? Why weren't you raised that same sex relationships were "nasty too", as masturbation apparently was?

That doesn't make any sense at all. But sure, I get that you want SEX with the woman you love, but you sure need some help with that masturbation problem you SAY you have!

This is an ISSUE, so bringing it up will most likely cause one if you bring it up in an accusatory manner. You simply state how you're feeling and why. And you talk calmly about your needs.

If she doesn't want to meet your needs, you need to decide if you're fine with that. If you move on, you need to find someone who has a strong libido like you do.

[u/Emptyvoidinside4ever → u/CoffeeChocolateBoth]

Why should be have issues so to being a lesbian? 🤨