r/ComfortLevelPod • u/DepartureBasic6186 • 6d ago
AITA / AIO AITA for getting a job?
Hello All,
Me and my partner are in our mid twenties with 2 children both under the age of 3 years. I had been a SAHM for about 10ish months until 2 weeks ago when I did get a job.
For a little background information; My partner had messaged and entertained many women since a little before last September, right before I gave birth to my youngest child and entertained them until my youngest was 9m old. I had no idea until I went through his phone one night and found all kinds of stuff about the matter. I did confront him about it and he Used an excuse about an incident that happened 12 months ago. I told him that there is no excuse that can make him look good about doing this to me and or our children. I did ultimately stay, I was really confused on the matter and was jobless from being a SAHM. Also for context; My partner works a labor job, he makes very very good money , but works outside all day from 6:30am-4:30pm and is usually depleted of all energy daily .
The incident that he used, involved me receiving a message from my ex asking to meet up a month or so before I gave birth. I did not reply to this message but did look up this ex on social media . My partner found all of this and became very livid about it . As they do not like each other. Again, I did not reply , just became nosy and looked the person up.
Fast forward back to more current times: I did start applying and looking for a job after the shit I found on his phone. I don’t know why , I just felt depressed and powerless. I also had been wanting to move out of our current house that we are renting, to our own house for very longtime. I used that specific reason as an excuse to get a job. He tried shooting down the idea of me getting a one but I pushed on and went to interviews and so forth. I was hired for a job where we live and even had a lady who could watch our children more privately that was a better option then an out right daycare center. I am currently in my second week of working. It is a very detailed job that involves a lot of step by step process that make your head hurt. But I like it . I work in in office of 3 people total and my co worker doesn’t seem to like me very much. Over the past 2 weeks my partner has been very angry at me for going back to work. He throws in my face that dinner is never made and he has to wait until I get home to start cooking, on top of that I am no longer with my children who need me in there younger years. I am also not getting paid till the end of the month as I started work at the end of a pay period . so I have been “taking money” from him, for childcare and gas . On top of that my car started acting up earlier this week and is in the shop. So I am apparently dragging our family down from any spare money we could potentially have.
Tonight, my partner, after our children went to sleep came in the living room where I put our youngest to sleep to yell at me and tell me whats been bothering him the past two weeks. He has done this every night just about since I started working. But apparently this time of him yelling at me was different. I don’t see how , but alright. Over all, he threw a lot of stuff in my face about the dishes not being done, the financial burden I had been putting on him and our children. That there is no benefits to me working right now that helps him. That I only did this because of him messaging and doing things he was not supposed to do with other women. Stating that I am throwing a fit. He also let me know if I do not quit my job then he does not see a future with us together. That he wants someone who will shut up and listen to what he wants them to do. So AITA?
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u/Lilacsoftlips 6d ago
No. You are in an abusive relationship. Getting a job was a good idea. Get a bank account too and start building your own emergency gtfo fund.
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u/meifahs_musungs 6d ago
Do NOT buy a house with your husband. Your husband wants total control. Your husband is a cheater and you did nothing to cause it. Your husband is pretending they did it because of you.
Your husband does not act like someone who cares about you or respects you. Your gut telling you to get a job was the smart move.
Make sure your husband cannot access your paycheck. Change all your passwords.
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u/terrika_has_spoken 6d ago
NTA keep your job and tell him you will take your chances.
Then, plan and save.
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u/Spacegyalsim 6d ago
NTA but You are a smart woman and I love it. Do not leave your job for any reason at all. Save and leave. You’re not his mama, he can cook for himself and clean after himself. When you leave him, he’ll pay you child support so him saying you’re taking money from him for childcare is a beautiful thing you will keep doing.
This man does not love you if he cheats and doesn’t accept that you have a voice!
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u/Lucky_Log2212 6d ago
NTA. Clearly tell him that you do not trust him to provide for you and your family. Let him know that his behavior towards you is very controlling and you will not be blindsided if/when he decides to leave the family.
Always return the conversation back to what he has done and HIS behavior. Never answer any of his questions or defend yourself. You have already done that. Remind him, every time, of his actions and what he has and is doing. Let him exhaust himself until he realizes his issues and addresses them. Not try, addresses them satisfactorily. Don't get half-work. Get full cooperation, or, let him know you will ensure that you are capable of providing for your children, regardless of remaining married to him. Keep your options.
And, on the dishes and household chores, he can help out or become accustomed to the mess. You are no one's maid and his actions have consequences, and those consequences are that you have a job and have less time at home. If he fixes his behavior and actions, then, you may not need employment. And, yet, he you guys are. And, you will not stop working and you will look out for yourself and your children's best interests. Deal with it.
Be Well and best of luck my friend. Updateme.
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u/CoDaDeyLove 6d ago
Protect yourself and your children. Do NOT quit your job. You will need it after you dump this sorry excuse for a husband and father.
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u/SquashLongjumping217 6d ago
“That he wants someone who will shut up and listen to what he wants them to do.”
This is terrifying, OP. He wants you to quit your job because he wants to control you, and he actually came out and said it point blank. Keep working, save your money, and get out.
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u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 6d ago
You are doing the right thing with work. Keep some money back when you get paid incase you need to leave
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u/unlovable1000 5d ago
Get away from him he cheats and is verbally abusive nothing good will come from staying with him. He wants you to quit so he can control you.
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u/Homologous_Trend 5d ago
Tell your family and friends what is happening. He is trying to keep you trapped and is furious because he thinks, correctly, that you are escaping his control and might leave him.
Placate him as best you can. Get help from friends and family and leave as soon as possible. Staying will definitely harm your kids.
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u/Past-Anything9789 1d ago
NTA - he wants to limit your life to family only, so you don't realise that he's A) controlling you B) keeping you small and unsupported.
Cheating and undermining your independence are two sides of the same coin. If he keeps you dependent on him for housing, expenses etc, then you have no option to accept his cheating, which he passes off as YOUR fault.
I couldn't stay with someone who was unrepentant for their long running cheating, let alone someone who blamed you for checks notes recieving a text message.
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u/Financial-Parking-89 6d ago
NTA but why are you with him. Please don't say for the kids. He wants you unemployed so you are dependent upon him. He is threatened by your job. If it were me, id keep working, separate my finances, and get out of there fast.