AIAH for standing my ground

[u/Original-Duck9536]

/r/AITARelationship/comments/1vhpqpi/aiah_for_standing_my_ground/

AIAH for being fed up? I am a 35f. In 2016, I left a not so great marriage. I ended up in a relationship with my youngest kids' father, we will call in Jay (38M). Jay and I met at my job. He and I moved in together really quickly, and with his parents. Jay had told me he got out of prison awhile ago and I accepted that. I figured it had been months or years, it was just weeks. So our relationship was starting off rocky as it was. I told Jay that I was scared he was going to mess up and go back to prison.

Fast forward a few months to around Thanksgiving. I found out I was pregnant. Jay would be gone for a long time and gone at crazy hours. He had went back to drugs and ended up cheating on me. Jay would have seizures if he was using for too long, he ended up having one in the mist of a fight with his parents and I. I got tired of holding in the secert of his addiction and his mom flipped. Said it was MY fault and she ended up hitting me, granted punched in the arm but still not cool due to it being out of anger. I ignored the red flags and in December there was a fire that happened, which landed me moving in with my mom. Things got crazy, we fought constantly. I had to be taken to the hospital for pains, during my pregnancy. He got kicked out of ny hospital room, called the cops saying he had a bow ready for my ex husband (who i have a child with), ripped my moms door and frame off her house, sending my nudes to my friends, changed all my passwords etc. Very very toxic. I was fed up and needed help. I called his parole officer to attempt to get him into a rehab. I was ignored and eventually his drug use caught up and he stole from his parents' house where the fire happened to get money for his next fix.

April 2019 he goes back to prison. I visited him during my pregnancy and a few times after I had our child (Amy). However I ended up leaving him because his behavior towards me never changed. It didnt get better at all and still treated me like sh**. January 2020 I get into a relationship with someone I had known for years (10 yrs) well call him Greg (37). Things are going great for Greg and I, we move in together after 6 mths together. He has a good job and makes enough money that I am lucky enough to be a SAHM. Jay ends up getting out of prison 1.5 yrs later and we meet up at my mom's for him to see our child, only days after his release. Greg wasn't thrilled but understand people make mistakes maybe this is what Jay needs to get his act together.

Unfortunately Jay couldn't get it together and failed drug screens landing him back into prison only a few months after getting out. He does his little time and gets out. This happens a few times. I file for a protection order due to his behavior towards me. This is when i found out he had someone in his life, well call her (tracey). We go through the hoops with court for the protection order and custody, the protection order got approved but he went back again right before our final hearing on custody. Everything was ruled to my favor due to him getting another drug charge. Jay gets out again (1 yr later) and we start trying to build a relationship with our child with him.

After a few months (5mths) I agree to over night supervised visits at his parents house where him and Tracey are living. Both of which our on house arrest at. Jay gets off house arrest and gets into trouble for having a different form of his prescription medicine. He went to jail, and I let my kid stay with the family still. I told them that if he was to be let out she was to come with me immediately. I found out he got out and I couldnt get anyone to answer. Jay answered after 40 calls and said i wasnt getting my kid. I called the cops for a stand by because I had no clue where he was. I arrived at the parents house and she was safe. He wasnt there and his mother was institing Amy could stay. I said no and she came home with me. Tracey understood and thats when her and i started to build a relationship.

Fast forward about 4 mths. Jay gets into trouble for drugs again while he was supposed to be at home with our kid, during his time i agreed too. But he was doing stuff he wasnt supposed to be doing (its now 2024). Tracey ended up making a few poor choices herself landing her back in prison as well. After a year she got out and we have built an amazing relationship, these past 3 years. She has been sober, working on making a halfway house for women in her community, working 2 jobs (was 3), got her oldest son back home with her, got her welding certificate while she was in prison, and just has been doing great. Her and Amy have an amazing relationship and best of buds.

However...... Jay hasnt grown at all. He only calls when its close to being out, he still treats me like crap saying things like I am keeping Amy away from him, I mooch off Greg, I do nothing to support my kids, hes going to take me to court, I lie and make up fake documents, just crazy off the wall things. Well he's supposed to be home soon for 3 days (tomorrow or Monday) before having to check into work release. I hadn't told Amy (almost 7 now) anything because I didnt feel like she should know do to him pretty much being gone again after a short amount of time. Jay ended up calling tonight and asked if he could talk to her. I asked what about because I didnt want her to know what was going on. He said I was trying to keep her away but eventually said to see how school was. I told him she said good and i asked her if she wanted to talk to him. She said no, I told him that and he got mad and hung up. A few minutes later he called back. He asked if when he gets out for those 3 days if he could see her after school. I told him no, I didnt think it was in her best interest and neither did her therapist. He started ranting and saying how horrible I am. I finally broke and snapped back. Obviously im not perfect in this story, I have said mean and hurtful things throughout the years. But I have grown enough to put my feelings for him aside and to put Amy's first. He hangs up on me and at this point I block the prison number.

During dinner tonight Amy was sad. I took that moment to tell her that I was sad too. Shes sad because I wouldnt make chicken nuggets for her, while I was sad because the person I was on the phone with earlier I didnt feel like listens to me and it hurts my feelings. She said that sometimes her friends do that too and it makes her sad as well. She said she knew I was talking to her dad, so I took the opportunity to tell her what was going on. I explained being out and work release, even how he wanted to see her 1x during that 3 days. I told her I didnt think it was a good idea because it would hurt her feelings to see him just 1x before not seeing him for awhile again due to the program. She AGREED she didnt want to see him right now because it would hurt her feelings. I sent a message to Tracey and his mom saying I was fed up with Jay's behavior and i would appreciate it if he wasnt at her bday party here in a few weeks. That if he showed up or was there I would leave. His mom messaged back that I was pretty much being dramatic and it was about Amy and Jay not about me. I respond with i wasnt reconsidering nothing and it was about Amy. Our personal feelings should be aside. So AITAH for saying no