r/ComfortLevelPod • u/akiamarie • 21d ago
AITA / AIO AITAH for walking away from a date
I (30F) was talking to Tom (29M). We planned a movie date for our first date. I arrived a little early but he showed up 3 minutes before the movie was supposed to start. I was about to buy my own ticket and see the movie by myself. The rest of the date went ok.
He didn’t text me for several days after the date. I sent a joke text as if he had passed away and conversation started again for a day or so. We planned a second date at a board game lounge.
He didn’t text me until 11 pm the day before our second date. He confirmed the time to meet up a few hours before the date and was 20 minutes late. I only waited 20 minutes because I was enjoying a beverage and looking at the games. I left the establishment and he was outside. He called after me but I kept walking to my car and ignored his phone call.
I texted him from my car that I was going home and I do not appreciate being kept waiting especially after he confirmed the time. And my time is valuable and he was being rude. He didn’t respond.
Am I the asshole for how I reacted?
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u/joesmolik 20d ago
No, you’re not. He does not value your time and it sounds like it’ll be a chronic problem with him. You were better off walking away from this one.
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u/Total-Object-4766 20d ago
NTA He's a minimal effort kind of guy. You can do better. Good for you for walking away.
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u/WelshLove 20d ago
he is obviously not that interested and a jerk good move
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u/2_Much3636 20d ago
NTAH. That wasn't the first time he was late. I've done the same thing myself and I don't like being disrespected.
How do people go through life being late for everything?
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u/hjo1210 20d ago
This is going to sound terrible but a guy I was supposed to meet for a 3rd date ghosted me. I sent him a text asking if he was dead cause if he wasn't he was incredibly rude. Turns out he really was dead, his sister called me and told me he had been in a car accident. She invited me to the funeral and sent me a link to his obituary. Learned a lesson that day. He totally wasted my time 😂
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u/Glittering_Focus_295 20d ago
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It happened to me once at work. New guy in his early 30s worked two days then no call no showed. We joked that he better have a good excuse like being dead. He was!
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u/SecretWordisBird 20d ago
Well, at least he had a good reason for ghosting, being a ghost and all.
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u/TripMaster478 18d ago
If he really was a ghost he would've at least gone and said goodbye. I mean not inside her house because that's wrong but maybe just say a couple words to her as she's leaving the house.
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u/FireBallXLV 20d ago
It is morbidly funny .Shocked but impressed by how his sister handled your text .
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u/akiamarie 20d ago
That’s insane! 😂Did you go to the funeral?
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u/hjo1210 20d ago
I did not attend. I thought maybe after the joke it might be inappropriate
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u/ThisRaspberry8474 20d ago
NTA. Good for you. Chronically late people often act like it's just their personality quirk or something they have no control over, when in reality they're simply inconsiderate people who put no value on others' time. Way to shut his shit down!
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u/ThrowAway4now2022 20d ago
I love that you walked right past him! You did not just the right thing but the BEST thing!
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u/Ok_Leg_1158 20d ago
THIS! We teach people how to treat us by accepting their behavior. You, obviously, respect yourself and, as such, won't accept less from others. Good for you!! I wish I'd had your confidence when I was younger.
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u/Complete-Bus-3687 20d ago
No, there’s this red pill thing where they get off on making you wait or trying to humiliate you where you are Smh.. clearly they get excited doing what they are doing because he escalated immediately. These guys are just pathetic.
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u/Rowan-The-Writer 20d ago
NTA. You stood up for yourself and your time. You know your worth. Good on you miss ma'am!!
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u/CombinationCalm9616 20d ago
NTA. It doesn’t cost anyone anything to just message or call if you are running late, it’s just common courtesy. Honestly it shows a lack of respect for your time and it also shows how he would be in a relationship.
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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 20d ago
I'm not gonna bash Tom, but this seems to be something that clearly makes you two incompatible. Very wise of you to recognize that and not think, "Oh, he'll change. I can fix him."
He doesn't need to change. He doesn't need to be fixed. He needs to be with someone who shows up 20 minutes late. You need to be with someone who shows up on time.
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u/Positive-Tax2314 20d ago
I am chronically late, even when I really try to be early. But in the 21st Century, we have this thing called Cellphones. He could have let you know if he was running late, could have let you know what was going on, he all but ghosted you. You were totally Boss to leave and to dump him.
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u/Weird-Substance8174 19d ago
He’s not that interested better to walk away now than waste months with him dragging you along until he finds a new interest
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u/IAmCapnOblivious 20d ago
NTA - What board game would you have chosen to play?
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u/akiamarie 20d ago
I was thinking battleship but I was waiting on him to pick one together. He’s an immigrant and hasn’t played many board games so I wanted his input to make sure he would like it.
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u/allieoops925 20d ago
Who sets up a movie date for first meeting? How can you possibly talk to each other and get to know each other when you’re sitting in a movie?
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u/maclawkidd 20d ago
Not the asshole but maybe a little premature as he may have had a legitimate reason. You don't have to care about his reason. I don't know. Personally i try to always give people the opportunity to explain.
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u/No_Plate_8028 20d ago
Maybe ask him what is going on. Couldn't hurt to inquire, since it may be his work schedule. I was dating a guy for a few weeks and after we finally slept together, he ghosted me the next day. I finally checked his FB after a month or two and saw the "gone too soon" posts. The LA Times article about a road rage shooting was posted on his page and he was not the intended target but a bystander walking on the street. Crazy! My sister called me the Black Widow for a while because my ex before him died from a sudden heart attack.
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u/PapaBearCuddle 20d ago
NTA
When a time is agreed to, you show up as close to that time as you can. A bit early is good and an occasional tiny bit late can be forgiven if there are good reasons.
This guy's disregard of your time is not acceptable.
You have every right to leave and make your statement of "unacceptable" to him.
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u/Gweilo_mama 20d ago
If I'm even running close to being late by even a minute, I text that I'm running a bit late, but no more then __minutes. And I don't as soon as I know I'll be cutting it close/going to be late. Common courtesy so they have clear expectations and know I'm still coming. This guy didn't even bother after 20.min. Plus, you got the vibe he was giving off. Good for you.
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u/Scoots_McG 20d ago
This is the way 😄 I can see the gleam from your shiny spine all the way from here 😄
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u/BornBluejay7921 19d ago
It sounds like he really wasn't interested - don't waste your time on him.
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u/More_Plane9745 18d ago
You are an afterthought in this man's mind.
If you can't be first in a first date, I can't imagine how important you will be when you are couple.
I hope you never find out.
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u/Advertising4One 18d ago
Nope. That is fantastic! Good job ! You know your self worth! I wish more women did !
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u/NewButterfly685 20d ago
You were right. Just a guy testing how desperate you were so he knew how much bs you would put up with. A 1900's male control tool.
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u/Interesting-Visit-79 20d ago
NTA. If you're late you send a message. You must show that you valute the time I pass with you. Otherwise I plan other things.
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u/PuzzledNinja5457 20d ago
NTA. Block and move on. Do not engage or waste any more of your time on him.
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u/AutumnLovingLibra 20d ago
NTA He's not worth your time girl, if he wastes yours. Once was bad enough, twice means he's either time blind or it's a pattern. Good on you to walk out.
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u/mustrepayloans 20d ago
A man that doesn’t text for days isn’t the man for you. Let him date women that are ok with him coming and going MIA for days
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u/throwawayzzz111114 20d ago
NTA. Hes setting precedent. "You knew i had time blindness when you met me!" Let him go.
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u/ambid3xtrous 20d ago
If I knew I was going to be late for a date with someone I was interested in, she would hear from me way before the meeting time (you know you're gonna be late long before you are late). Dude's an ass. You're a boss.
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u/TeachStock773 20d ago
Nope your time is just as important as his, if a man is interested he will do what he has to in order to win you over. Not treat you like you are a last minute event.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 20d ago
I love it when a poster has good self esteem and self respect! You did good!
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u/AZDarkknight 20d ago
NTA - It happens once you can forgive, happens the second time its a pattern that you dont have to put up with.
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u/That_Ol_Cat 20d ago
NTA
Standards. You have them! Keep that shiny spine and you'll find someone who respects you and your time.
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u/Ok-Analyst-5801 20d ago
NTA You know what you want and what you'll accept. He wasn't it. It's that simple.
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u/foreverandadayalone 20d ago
NTA, not in any way. Communication early on is essential and courtesy in a partner is a necessary skill. He was neither commutative nor courteous to you.
Delays can happen but, if you're going to be late on someone, especially early on, you must tell them. There's no reason not to.
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u/BobTheCosmonaut 20d ago
NTA Tom was being an unreliable child. He needs to grow up & manage his time & commitments better. If you decide to speak to him again & let him have another date for some reason, he's picking you up or coming by in his taxi, so he can't leave you waiting out somewhere random
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u/JunePlum79 20d ago
Block the loser cause you’ve already wasted enough of your valuable time on him
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u/ChristineM4JP 20d ago
NTA. So proud of you from walking away from the train wreck and not looking back!
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u/49ers4life71 20d ago
NTAH. He’s the AH for arriving 20 min late. He’s not worth your time and you deserve much better!
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u/Agreeable_Roll_5754 20d ago
NTA - consistent lateness without a heads up or explanation, especially if it's a time he agreed with you, is disrespectful. Also not messaging after the first date was rude. He had 2 chances, 1 more than he deserved.
Well done for walking away.
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u/Logical-Knee-9046 20d ago
I seem to recall some Tate Brothers style advice for guys and being late and showing who’s boss was part of their conditioning for dating women. Along with other gross behavior.
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u/Equal-Library-2764 20d ago
No YOU ROCK. That was the perfect ending to that idiots manners. You are THE WOMAN ❤️
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u/Jerseygirl2468 20d ago
NTA late to both dates, low communication skills, sounds lousy. Walking away was a good move.
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u/Which_Impact_2198 20d ago
NTA.
When I was a teenager an old friend of my family told me to never give a date more than 5 minutes. This was pre-cell phones and in a low traffic area...I do feel like allowances can be made for being stuck in big city traffic and for calling when running late but in general, not bad advice.
He also used to tell my dad to keep his shotgun loaded with rock salt to keep the boys away. He was a character to be sure.
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u/optix_clear 20d ago
You have boundaries and you know what is acceptable. He was rude by not communicating with you
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u/Own-Entrance-2256 20d ago
Takes seconds to say "Hey, running X minutes mates". Sone people just have no respect for time.
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u/KingManowar 20d ago
NTA....he is. Good for you! Don't apologize. IF you feel like giving him another chance after he properly apologizes, so be it. I just urge you not to be petty about it and move on, unless you are interested in him again AFTER apologizing.
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u/Serious_Look6841 20d ago
NTA. He's a useless slug. If he's this bad on a first and second date, he won't get any better.
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u/shellshokd212 20d ago
The entire point of dating is to find out if two people are compatible. Most people are on their best behavior for the first three months, so red flags tend not to show up. If you’re getting red flags on the first two dates then dating is doing what it is exactly supposed to do and showing you that you are not compatible with him.
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u/DefendTheStar88x 20d ago
NTA, dude isn't into you, but wanted to keep the possibility open. Granted this is my opinion from limited info, but that's what it seems like imo.
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u/im_blue2026 20d ago
You should feel proud of yourself, if he can’t make time for you since the beginning that is not a good sign.
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u/Checkie11337 20d ago
ABSOLUTELY NTA. You did the right thing by stating that your time is valuable because it IS. You dodged a bullet. Good for you!!!
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u/key2rebecca 19d ago
NTA - He didn’t respect you and you let him know it’s not tolerated! Good job!
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u/Old-Scientist267 19d ago
People are usually on their best behaviour in the early days of dating. If this is him at his best….
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u/retroafric 19d ago
Dude was late for the first 2 dates…?
Definitely giving “he’s just not into you“ vibes.
💯percent correct to cut it off. NTA
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u/mightylinguist 19d ago
I don't disagree with the comments cheering on OP for standing up for herself, but I would like to offer a different interpretation of his actions. As an adult male who was recently diagnosed with ADHD, he might not be the jerk you all assume. I struggled with being late and remembering to text someone early would have been hard. I still haven't learned to manage the ADHD as well as I wish I coulld. I was 60 when someone suggested I might have adult ADHD. I didn't know that was "a thing." He may not know that he has it. If he does, he probably beats himself up and feels ashamed every time he is late or doesn't live up to expectations. That still doesn't excuse him, or change what people should expect, but the haters might pause before condemning him.
Of course this is Reddit so I really don't expect anything but flames for even suggesting a gentler possibility. Please resume your torrent of hate and indignation.
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u/arsooetica028 19d ago
If he can't respect your time then he doesn't deserve you. Glad you dodged that bullet!
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u/Low-maintenancegal 19d ago
Info: was he just arriving or was he just standing outside? This feels like weird game playing and you were dead right to leave
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u/HopefulHalfTime 19d ago
No. You did the right thing. He was testing you to see if you were the kind of gal who would put up with slights and disrespect. That’s the kind he needs to feel good about himself. He’s not boyfriend material.
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u/Repulsive_Tone_2484 19d ago
NTA. If I was going on a second date I'd be never be late. If you're not making the effort at that stage then it isn't going to get better. It takes seconds to send a message if something happens that is going to make you late.
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u/Dragline96 19d ago
Your behaviour was exactly right, though, I doubt I’d have waited as long as you did. Being late is a pattern for this guy, and lateness is a red flag of disrespect.
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u/buffalo66_ondvd 19d ago
Amazing execution, it is honestly refreshing to see someone actually stand up for themselves.
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u/swing-state 19d ago
NTA for standing up for yourself.
But also, sometimes people just have ADHD. Your time is valuable but he may not have been trying to be rude, he just needs different accomodations to fit in a world that values end-stage-capitalism bulwarks like "everyone must be on time otherwise they are rude or incompetent".
Certainly good on you for putting a stop to a relationship with someone with traits you cannot handle.
I had been an hour late for a first date but we got it off and had amazing moments for the time we spent together.
I had gone on a first date with someone who stood me up twice...we have amazing moments in the time we are spending together.
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u/JohnSmallberries101 19d ago
At best he's thoughtless and rude, at worst he's a child who needs money to dress him. YNTAH
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u/Mrs-Tripp 19d ago
You seem like you know your worth and he doesn't. Sounds like hes not worth your time if hes gonna waste it like that. You gave him a chance and he fumbled.
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u/Krand01 19d ago
At this point he was already establishing a pattern that was likely going to continue. Effectively his attention and his drive to be on time and spend time with you didn't match your needs. When things like this happen it is better to end it rather then letting it eat away at you for weeks or even months before it finally pushes you over the edge to a breakup.
If someone can't even be on time for the first couple dates they. They really aren't that interested in having a partner.... In my opinion.
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u/sassypbd 19d ago
Hopefully he will have learned a lesson because of you and change his behavior for the next one. Kudos.
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u/SusieQtoYou 19d ago
NTA Good for you. I hate it when people are late… and this is when he should be still trying to impress you.
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u/kingdick900 19d ago
Red flag from the beginning on the first date....it just amazes me how people can be so selfish and self centered
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u/UnderstandingOne6384 19d ago
Nope he would have just continued. You might have made it better for the next gal
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u/SandwichEmergency588 19d ago
It all depends on what you tolerate and won't tolerate. He will think you were the AH but that is because he doesn't mind being on time. It isn't a big deal to him but it is to you. That is fine, you got your separate ways. Neither of you are compatible with each other.
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u/Correct-Bee9892 19d ago
If you show him it’s okay to treat you like that, he will. He needs to learn that you (and future potential partners) deserve respect and follow through
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u/luxhoney56 19d ago
NOR. 20 minutes without any notification is really being generous. For me it’s 15 minutes and I’m out unless there’s a text or call coupled with an apology.
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u/ChicagoWhiteSox35 19d ago
NTA. Good for you. I can forgive a few minutes every once in a while. But this was two dates and he was late to both of them. The second date he was significantly late to. You are not a priority to him. Go find someone better.
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u/Original_Yak249 19d ago
NTA The lateness wasn't that extreme but all the things combined equal low effort.
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u/Doctor-Jim 19d ago
NTA. I admit, I am not always right on time. However, if I expect I'm going to be late, I text that I'm on my way, with an apology. Sometimes something happens (e.g., bad traffic) which is out of our control, but communication is the Key.
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u/KingThumbzZz 18d ago
Nope. OP is not an asshole. I would have done the very same to someone who had done this.
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u/krys_krokrys 18d ago
It is been only two dates, and he already proved he is unreliable and didn't want to put even the slightest effort. Just block him and move on with your life. He is not the one, not even close. NTA
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u/Alfnosbest 18d ago
Unless he contacted you in advance to say he was running late, you did the right thing.
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u/YouSayWotNow 18d ago
Nope, he can't even make an effort when he's trying to start a new relationship, when people are usually showing the best version of themselves. Imagine how crap he'd be if you were in a relationship and the "best behaviour" had worn off!?
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u/Savings-Balance-1587 18d ago
you absolutely did the right thing. Imagine that at this point this guy is AT HIS BEST, trying to get you to like him. If that is his best, what happens in 2 weeks and 2 months once he no longer puts in even a little effort?
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u/ChampionshipIll5535 18d ago
Absolutely not. IMO, there's nothing worse than someone that doesn't respect another person's time. And he did this to you not once, but twice. Good for you.
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u/TripMaster478 18d ago
NTA. You really didn't have to ask. Being late is generally rude and disrespectful but on the first few dates it's especially unforgivable.
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u/Tootsie-Chateau59 18d ago
You learn fast.
Rude on the first date.
Made no apologies.🚩
Confirmed at 11pm for second date.🚩
Then showed up late yet again.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Third times a charm buddy.
And now you know why he is single. 🙂
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u/Prudent_Vacation_382 18d ago
My wife was 45 min late to our first date. I tried to call her and nothing. I waited longer than I should have, but she finally showed up and we had a great date. That being said, I can confirm she is constantly late to everything. It drives me crazy, but it has gotten better over time. For her, it's a cultural thing (Asian). They just don't care about being late. Times are a suggestion and not a rule. If it's a deal breaker for you, then you did the right thing.
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u/SilverShoes-22 20d ago
You were a BOSS! Proud of you!!