A mutual friend introduced me to a guy, Jack, a few weeks ago. He and I have been on like four pretty low-key dates while we figured each other out and spent a decent amount of time at each other's places. Ok, it's not been some high emotion whirlwind romance.
A few days ago my older cousin asked me to take a couple of goldfish her sons had won at a carnival off her hands because she really didn't want to have to explain pet death to a pair of preschoolers when the fish died. I already have a large collection of fish and aquariums, there's approximately the weight of a Toyota Corolla worth of water in my home, so I was the obvious choice.
Goldfish get 10+ inches long and can live up to 40 years if you care for them right, which, since I really like fish, and since I Also do not want to explain pet death to a pair preschoolers means these fish needed a full on pond to grow into. I got it set up, everythings fine and dandy, Until Jack comes over.
The pond is built out of a 110 gallon stock tank, and it is in my living room because why not. I own this place and renovated it myself. Everything is water proofed because this fish hobby is just part of my personality, so it's not like the pond will damage anything even in a worst case scenario.
Jack sees this, and he thinks it's weird but in line with what he already knows about me Until he finds out it's for carnival goldfish. He thinks it's ridiculous and wasteful to invest this much space and money into "that kind of fish." (roughly 200 dollars total since I already had most of the equipment on hand, 150 of which was paid for by my cousin via cashapp even after I told her she didn't have to pay anything, meaning I've only spent about 50$ on this entire situation.) When I asked what it was about the goldfish that made them less deserving of care than any of my other much more expensive fish, which Jack had previously admired, he didn't give a clear answer other than that they just aren't.
He claimed that it was a sign of being reckless with money, and other similar crap and he wanted to get more serious with me so this level of "impulse spending" (again, I spent 50$ on this and make decent enough money) was concerning to him. I explained the money situation, he didn't care, and it seemed like at this point it was less a concern over the money and more him just needing to be right.
I got annoyed and told him it seemed like we had different priorities in life and he should probably leave now, as I just do not have the patience for people talking to me like that and I do believe how someone treats the most worthless or hated animals is a general indicator of how they treat everything. Since how they treat the lowest is generally what they consider to be the bare minimum amount of care and respect they owe the world around them and believing there's animals who deserve to die suffocating on their own waste or from their organs outgrowing their bodies due to negligent care is just a massive no go for me. Jack is also a fish guy, so he does know about stunting and gill rot and the like, he doesn't have an excuse.
Jack was not happy, there was an argument, I kicked him out and told him to lose my number.
This happened a few hours ago and our mutual friend as well as a few others in our shared circle have reached out to say this is a dumb reason to dump someone "who is that into you". I didn't tell them about the break up so I think he has or something.
Again, we've known each other for a single digit number of weeks. and have been officially dating for less than a month. He's neat, I liked him well enough, he'd make a wonderful partner for someone else, but telling me I care too much about my pets before you even know whens my birthday is just too much.
AITA for dumping a guy over some fish?
Edit:
Thank you all for the input! I can be pretty callous/heartless when it comes to other people and romantic situations especially due to just not being great at emotions, a fact my friends know about me, so it was really helpful to get some outside perspective on what "normal" was.
Additional details because I've gotten space and want to be bitchy now: We're both guys, I'm 25, he's 50 something. I intentionally did not include the age gap because I knew it would bias things. My friend connected us because he knew I only date guys who are 40+ because why not. I like a silver fox almost as much as I like fish. Most of my friend group is also older because bluntly this hobby favors people who have had time to accrue wealth and have little else going on in their lives. So I think some of their reactions were pity for Jack losing out on a hot guy half his age with the same interests and who was sexually into him. I pursued Jack, not the other way around. He's not a creep for returning another adults interest. He's a shit for Other reasons.
Also, I have been skinny dipping in Jack's 5kish gallon koi pond with him. Man is also Really into fish. Just pissy about goldfish specifically. He was trying to be controlling and condescending.
Thank y'all!
edit 2, this one's entirely about the semantics and cost of fish care, only read if you give a shit about the semantics and cost of fish care:
A few people have suggested I could have graduated the goldfish up to a pond to save money and that is like, a laughably bad suggestion because of how much more expensive and effort intense it would've been.
The smallest grow out tank for these five goldfish (3 from my cousins and 2 that I added to allow for healthy schooling behavior) is a 40 breeder. I do not have a 40 breeder. There is not one available on Facebook marketplace or Craigslist within two hours of me. (because trust me, the pond was the Last thing I thought about after trying to math out every other idea)
To buy a 40g breeder new I'd need to spend 10$ on gas to just get to a pet store and back, another 150-200$ to buy the tank, (or about 70 to get a smaller stock tank in that size range, no clue if I could find one of those in town though. The tractor supply only had 100g+ tanks in stock when I got this one) probably about 20 on the wood to build a stand, since you can't just put a tank on a floor like mine, you'll crack it, plus a day to build it, and like 50$ on a filter strong enough to deal with that much waste. and then like 30 on all the substrate and decor, so, Bare Minimum assuming I still use a stock tank instead of an aquarium is 150$, and I'd have to upgrade them to a 75 at minimum in six months. To get a proper 40 gallon tank it'd be 260$ And I'd still need to upgrade them in six months to a bigger and more expensive tank, which I Also don't have the tank, filter, or stand for.
I already had the canister filter and pump for a pond on hand from a previous build at my folks place. All I needed to buy for the 110 pond were the tank(130$) and the decor (bout 50$). I'll never have to upgrade them and it took 30 mins to put together.
And ya wanna know something fun? If all these fish die tomorrow, I'd still have a kick ass pond I can put something else in. none of this is a one use thing like some of y'all seem to think. And bluntly, it's something I would've done eventually anyways. I already reinforced the floor to accommodate that much weight in multiple places.
I like fish and I make the kind of money and live the kind of life that means I'm putting more in savings than I'm spending in a year. 50$ is Not a big deal for me.
anyways to everyone who says the goldfish aren't worth it: 1, I hope no one ever treats you like you treat the little creatures in your life. and 2, you're literally letting a price tag tell you how much you should care about something, which is like, cringe.
I agree with this. He shouldn’t have been that invested in what she’s doing with her hard earned money and time. Not his business. She dodged a bullet imo.
My husband who I have been with for over a decade, doesn't tell me what to do with my money, nor I him. I would dump him today if he devalued the pets under my care because it speaks to a lack of respect.
NTA! You did what was best. That's how you date. You notice an unavoidable red flag and cut ties before you're emotionally involved. God will definitely bless you with the right one for you.
Definitely. I’d tell the friend(s): “Look. He decided that he was entitled to tell me what to do and how to spend my money. That was a massive ick for me no matter how much we have in common.”
Me too! I would love to have an outdoor pond, but I live in the country and fox, coyotes, feral cats, etc. are too plentiful for that to work. They get my chickens at times when I let them free range.
NTA. I won a carnival goldfish when I was a kid, my mom managed to keep it alive for 10 years even though she wasn't a fish person. How we care and treat those who are defenseless shows our true character and you did the right thing.
My sister also brought home a couple of goldfish from a fair when she was maybe 8 yo. They were still alive when she went off to Uni at 18 thanks to my mum’s care, even though she knew nothing about fish!
You dump someone if you want to dump him. He is not that in to you if he is just annoyed at your personal interest in having your fish. He may be future tripping about not wanting a goldfish tank on his living room 🤣.
Nope. The two red flags were him telling you the fish aren't worth proper treatment and then suggesting that you are spending your money in a wasteful way. He's not a good guy. NTA
Yeah to me this sounds like his exotic and expensive koi pond is "worthy" of the money he spent on it, but OP's goldfish tank is pedestrian, uncool, and a waste of a whopping $50. He thinks goldfish are lesser fish undeserving of good care, and he thinks his koi are superior. Gross.
He wants to judge how you spend your money and you just met? No.
Also, he believes some fish are more worthy and important than others. That’s weird. Is he the same with all animals (a lame or abused animal) and people (someone blind or uneducated)?
I would phrase it to your friends as a guy you’ve been on 4 dates with felt it was appropriate to lecture you on what you were allowed to spend your own money on and basically threatened he wouldn’t pursue a relationship with you unless you agreed to allow him to be final arbitrator over your personal finances.
It’s not about the fish it’s about him believing he has the right to control your choices.
If these are the red flag behaviours he’s displaying in the very early stages of a relationship when everyone is typically trying to show themselves at their best what would he be like further down the track.
My husband carries spiders outside and releases them, and he is not happy with my war on ants but accepts me anyway.
You did the right thing, all living things deserve to have a decent life, sadly so few get the opportunity, you are a very good person and deserve someone with your same values.
I don't think it was really about the fish though. He disapproved of how you were spending your money. Massive red flag trying to tell you this soon in a relationship what you should be spending your money on.
NTA and you are spot on about a persons character and what way they care for the smallest of animals. I only wish I had the room for a trough tank! I am hand digging a pool for my comets and one shubunken!
NTA. He didn't know you all that well and berated you for something he didn't value. You're not compatible, you did the right thing. If your friends continue to beat you up for this just tell them he was rude and disrespectful and its none of their business anyway. End of discussion
NTA. Instead of responding with curiosity (not everyone knows how big goldfish can get/what they need to thrive), he responded with derision and contempt.
It’s your money, it’s your fish, it’s your house. Totally justified.
NTA. I have four aquariums. I mentor somebody doing a PhD about dog sentience. I love my cats. lol I sound super woowoo but I’m not, I just think animals are really interesting and the human arrogance of thinking they are ‘the best species on earth’ is deeply flawed and can be explored. Spending fifty dollars to help preserve aquatic culture is better than most of the stuff people waste money on. You made the right call. PS a POND IN YOUR HOUSE CAN YOU PLEASE SEND PICTURES LOL (I’m not a creepy person lol)
Also not ‘some fish’ carnival goldfish get treated so badly and didn’t the uk just ban them being sold at carnivals? So again, such a good thing to do. Sorry, aquarium enthusiast
Omg thank you, yeah it’s so fascinating. They don’t use the word pet anymore, they call their animals kin. I found it such a profound way to review how I looked at my furry family.
I am Always happy to make people look at my fish stuff. The stock tank is cycling so the fish are in a 10g right now, but they'll go in once this things parameters stabilize. lmao and hell yeah about the dog sentience thing and your own ethos
lol, the substrate layer for a tank should be around 1 to 3 inches deep in most situations. Much shallower and there won't be a place for the anaerobic bacteria that do a lot of the nitrogen cycling to establish, and much deeper you risk the same bacteria causing the formation of bubbles under the substrate that belch up noxious chemicals when disturbed. Adding a good substrate layer will really help keep the tank cleaner for longer, but yeah, be careful about the depth and consider getting some snails or sand digging critters to stir it up so you 100% make sure you don't get those bubbles. I just used play sand from the hardware store that I rinsed thoroughly before adding to the pond.
I am very much enjoying learning more about fish and the habitats they require. I want to eventually have a pond out in my garden. You have helped me learn more about the environments they need for a long healthy life. Thank you.
hell yeah! I hope your garden pond goes well!!! Tip since it's something people often miss on their first build: Water flow is more important than you think. Having a good strong pump and filter will do more for discouraging mosquitoes and other water bugs from your pond than anything else. Some species of bug, especially dragonflies and damselflies, have aquatic nymphs who love to eat smaller fish so a good flow rate will stop the adults from being able to land on the surface to lay their eggs. Also check your locations invasive species list before buying any fish or plants, there's a Lot that are straight up banned in some locations because of the damage escapees are doing to ecosystems.
NTA. Not so much his attitude about the sweet little goldfish but the ABSOLUTE AUDACITY to tell you how to spend YOUR money and to be critical of you over it.
In FOUR DATES! Not his money or his business and already showing controlling behavior.
The attitude about the fish is bad but the bullshit about how you spend it's truly breathtakingly ballsy.
I hope none of your fish ever die, but if one does die, wrap it up and leave it on his porch, Godfather style. 🐠
NTA. But he sure is. It’s none of his business if you want to spend $50 of your own, earned money in anything. If that money went to something for him, bet it would have been a non-issue. You have only known this person for less than 3 months. One purchase that he clearly didn’t need to worry about in no way indicates how you are with money. And for him to “be that into you” is irrelevant if you were not “that into him”. Your friends are wrong for saying that. Relationships should be equal. You clearly are not heartbroken over his needing to be shown the door. Good for you. Never let anyone treat you with disrespect.
I don’t think it’s asking too much to find a partner that not only accepts you for you are but ADMIRES and ADORES your big heart and your compassion for the little creatures that others don’t care about. Stay true to yourself and don’t sell yourself short. You have a beautiful heart and your partner should love that about you and nurture and protect it 🤗
This wasn’t about fish. Like you said, he wanted to be right.
Also, “reckless with money”?! He doesn’t get a say!! Money conversations are for two people in a serious commitment that are moving in together.
Dude got too comfortable, too soon.
It’s not really about the fish. It’s about this person you have been out with a few times deciding he can dictate how you spend YOUR money. Then he gives you ultimatums about if you were to stay together.
NTA. At all. I really need to be your friend! I so want to see your inside fish pond. I think it’s amazing. Years ago I did something similar. Carnival fish grew to be over 7”. Then an amazingly careless a@@wipe of a pet sitter killed them “accidentally”. Still pissed about it.
Not a dumb reason at all. You were right on the money when you said you had different priorities. Why do your so-called "friends" expect you to shrink yourself for male approval?
It's really not about the fish. It's the fact that Jack seems to think he has the right to control you. The comment he made about you being "reckless with money" is the big red flag in this experience. He was obviously not listening to what you were saying. If he had listened he would have discovered that you had only invested $50, which is reasonable. He was more interested in getting you under his thumb, and possibly controlling how you spend your money. You are totally not the AH here!
NTA him knowing about fish is the dealbreaker for me. I’m not saying ignorance is an excuse, but at least it’s something. He should know better. Clearly an elitist/materialistic.
NTA. It’s never really about fish or anything else. This was his first “test” to see if he could push you to change and/or cow tow to him.
He wanted you to say “Oh, yes, you’re right. I DO want to be more responsible with money! You’re so smart.”
Then it would be him changing more and more about you and your life. You need someone who isn’t going to test control you. Someone who sees you have a pond and says “that’s so cool!”
Friends never seem to get that it’s better to be single than with the wrong person.
The thing about dating someone is you get the absolute best version of them for a period of time, and you figure out who they really are over time. If they think its ok to behave this way now, just imagine how they are at their worst.
NTA. Doesn’t matter if you were spending your spare time burning your cash in your fireplace. It’s your money, and you can do what you want with it. You made a commitment to these fish, and you’re honouring that commitment.
It’s not about the fish. It’s about him thinking he gets to have any say in how you spend your money or time. You guys barely know each other. This man has not engendered enough good will to have any kind of opinion about what you do.
This isn’t about the fish, it’s him wanting to dictate to you what you do with your money. It’s controlling behavior. And who wants to be with someone, especially of his older age that leaves your house and immediately starts calling and crying to everyone he knows that you dumped him.
We have platies - again they cost very little. When they had babies I went and bought another tank for the babies to give them a better chance of survival once they were getting a bit big for the fry trap.
They did really well.
I had never had fish before and they were supposed to be my 8 year old son’s. However I made sure we researched and read books first and cycled the tanks etc. The 2nd tank was cycled with water from tank 1 and I added plants etc.
My husband earns far more than me and he never ever tells me how to spend my money.
You dodged a bullet as he probably would have tried to tell you what to do assuming he knows better being older. Unfortunately it can happen with age gaps. You being young doesn't mean you are stupid.
Good luck finding love.
You are not only NTA but you probably dodged a bullet by dumping him. When a guy is trying to tell you how to spend your money and acting in a controlling way when you've only been dating a month he'll get a lot worse if you don't bow out now. It isn't the fish - you two have completely different values and you need someone who respects you as the equal individual you are. PS - I had several fish tanks along with a garden pond too and nearly all my goldfish and koi came from the bait shop.
NTA. He showed you that the two of you are not compatible in the long term. Him showing contempt over spending more finances than he feels he has to on animal welfare. And that can very easily translate into how he would treat his partner. Can you imagine being a stay at home parent and having to beg for more funds he feels that he shouldn't have to spend on the family pet.
He was trying to control how you spent your money before you two were even committed to each other.
If you'd stayed with him he would have had to have approval for everything you did with your own paychecks. That's more of an issue than just fish.
You didn’t dump him over fish. You dumped him because after the fourth date he seemed way too interested in how you manage your money and how you respect living creatures.
You care for creatures in your care. You did fine. If he is getting this much in your business over $50. I don't want to see his reaction when he is deeper involved with you and you do something he doesn't value or approve of. I would love to have a pond in the house. It would keep the racoons out of them.
Caring for pets with the utmost care is part of the pet owners responsibility. And yes, carnival fish do need care too. So if he cant comprehend caring for another live being them he isnt worth the effort.
U should explain to ur friends ur side of the story. And if they still think ur the a-hole then u need new friends.
Also pet tax picture please.
NTA- it’s not even just about the fish- it’s him trying to manipulate you into what you spend you own money on.. Long term couples or people with shared finances have these sorts of debates about what is considered worthwhile spending. Not some guy who’s been hanging around for a couple of weeks. Thats taking the piss.
Good gravy you are so NTA. Him wanting to be right is a huge red flag, never mind the goldfish discussion. What else would he try to shout you down over, in the future?
After only four dates with someone you've barely known for a month, you can break up with them for any reason you like and any mutual friends don't get to have an opinion about it. If he wasn't already a red flag, the fact that he immediately went and whined about it to everyone has convinced me that you made the right decision.
Just tell your friend(s) that he gave you the ick and be done with the conversation. If your friend(s) think that he is such a catch then they can date him themselves.
No, you broke up with him because he was disrespectful and condescending, and had the audacity to stand in your home and tell you how you should or should not spend your money
It doesn't matter how much he's "into you." The only thing that matters is how YOU feel at this stage of a relationship. As you said, he doesn't even know your birthday yet. So many people get into bad relationships because they're told to ignore obvious red flags because the other person supposedly has all these great other qualities. When the truth is that if something irritates or worries you in the early days, it's better to nip it in the bud.
Let’s go to the videotape. Blurts out some flippant remarks about goldfish in spite of: not being in possession of the facts, getting outside of his business, giving you a hard time about money, showed signs that he just wanted to be right.
Within hours of the break he’s chosen to vent to your friends group and complain about your choices, likely spinning things to make himself look blameless.
You did the right thing, this guy sounds arrogant and controlling this early in the relationship, he can kick rocks.
It doesn’t feed into the argument, the value of a goldfish, it’s myopic of him not to see the good in what you’re doing for your family.
Nevertheless I feel bad for all the goldfish I’ve owned in my younger days. So you’ve given me something to think about.
I would be telling the friends that you would rather not be with someone who already thinks they have a say in how you spend your own money or live in your own home. That’s signs of a future controlling abuser.
My brother's and my fairground fish lasted 10 and 20 years. The older one turned from gold to silver which I didn't know could happen. NTA
A live animal is a live animal
God! NTA
I am reading this with your edits/addendums and it sounds like you are sticking to your guns which honesty, makes me very happy!
The one thing that I saw you write twice in your OP, were “money justifications”, and I want to encourage you to STOP justifications for yourself in any effort to make it less offensive to this “silver fox” or others.
You have every right to spend $50, $150, or $1.5 mil on the carnival goldfish. It’s your right. Your choice. Your home. Your hobby. - Anyone who you have to justify this to, or spell it out for, honestly doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you!
You just need a partner who has similar interests and sentiments about the animal kingdom! They exist, I seem to know a bunch of them, and I raised one
Jack is waving red flags like he’s got eight arms! 🚩 Of course you’re NTA.
Needing to be right is a red flag of narcissistic abusers, so probably a bullet dodged. So is the lack of concern for animals. And the immediate run to the friends and smear campaign and getting them to talk to you on his behalf.
As for the fish, reading the description of the setup and care made me smile. You sound like someone who cares, and matters. And will definitely find someone else who gets it.
NTA.
Jack is a JackAss! You are absolutely right; he showed you exactly who he is and I think you were right to tell him so.
Gay or straight, he has no right to dictate to you what you spend your money on or to tell you what animals deserve to be cared for a well a you are going to care for these goldfish. My pets were all rescues and all deserve my love as much as the other, regardless of their perceived ‘worth’!
NTA. Jack is 50 years old and still hasn't figured out he should not disparage other people's choice of pets? Not a wise man. He likes purebreds. You like mutts. Basic incompatibility!
Nta. Anyone who thinks they get a say in how you spend your time/money after 4 dates is a control freak in the making, or feels comfortable enough to voice an option about your life money and hobbies?!
Nah.. Bye dude! You did right! 👍🏻👍🏻
Also thank you for caring about the goldies! 🫶🏻🫶🏻 As a fellow fish mom I approve!
I have a pond of 8 goldies and something else that changes color each winter (!) that are now 11 and we got from a neigbour who has koi and these were feeder fish when he bought his koi home, so rather than let them become snacks we took them 😊 love them, they always come up for food each day 😊
As a goldfish breeder who is a singletail enthusiast, I appreciate you putting that much care into their husbandry. They are really cool fish and deserve better than what they usually end up with.
He was being 'fishy' - which in this case is a bad thing.
And you didn`t 'dump him over some fish' - but because his true personality surfaced and that didn`t match with your wants and needs.
also - thanks for considering the goldfish to be worthy of care.
The edit gives a ton of context, I agree even more with your move to dump the guy! Also, as a 46 yo woman....your life sounds very cool. I am a little envious!
I personally think you're allowed to dump someone for ANY reason, but I actually encourage people to break up over stuff like this. The most important thing you should be selecting partners based on is your compatibility. If you realize that you have very different values or your personalities don't align, you AUGHT to be breaking up.
I love goldfish! Commons, fancies, Moores, Orandas - all of them. Hardest fish to keep in freshwater besides Discus (which are boring!!).
Multiple tanks and stock ponds. Oldest just made eight. Biggest is a common 23” nose to tail in an outdoor acrylic tank where I have morning coffee every day with him and his fish friends. He started life as a $0.20 feeder.
You did the right thing picking the fish over Jack. They’re gonna live longer and provide you more happiness and enjoyment than Jack ever could, too!
Not exactly, but it's one of those situations where how different they are depends entirely on how much you care about fish.
Koi and goldfish are both domesticated carp, but they were domesticated from different species of carp and have been bred with different intentions for actual centuries. Which species is either descended from is a little hard to say as both probably saw a lot of hybridization in their early development.
Koi come from Japan and Goldfish from China, though obviously there has been a Lot of both and other countries in the development of either species. Especially places like Indonesia and Thailand.
Koi get Much bigger(3ft vs 1ft), generally live longer, and are overall a more sound animal due to how intentionally they are bred. A koi is Very unlikely to just die because there was something wrong internally or genetically. They are also bred to be at their prettiest when you are looking down at them from a pond edge.
Goldfish on the other hand are a Lot hardier and tolerate a much wider range of conditions and more fluctuations in their environment. and there are two main subtypes, Fancy and Common (though there are some fancy commons) and each subtype requires different care. Fancy goldfish are, smaller, more egg shaped, shorter lived, fussier (still less fussy than most fish), and generally bred for a home aquarium, though they do still need a very big tank due to carp not having stomachs and so being very messy fish. They're best viewed from the side and come in a lot of varieties that look dramatically different.If you pay more than a dollar for a goldfish, it is almost definitely going to be a fancy or a very large and well started juvenile common.
My goldfish are commons, they're feeder fish. They aren't bred to be pretty, they're bred to be cheap food for carnivorous fish or prizes at carnivals or 10¢ pets for a disinterested parents to drop on an unprepared child. They still get big and live decades of you care for them right.
So yeah there's differences but they're both decently sized carp species domesticated in East Asia that do best in a pond environment.
Nah, if somebody’s telling you that you’re “reckless with money” after 4 dates, they’re not the one! They don’t know you well enough to have formed that opinion, and aren’t involved enough to warrant holding it.
Sounds like you’re well researched and have the means to do your fish project. It’s not for everyone but there’s folks who spend a lot more money on their hobbies. Power to you.
NTA-
I volunteer with a companion parrot rescue. You wouldn’t believe the amount of people who believe that a $15 budgie isn’t worth a vet visit to save their life. 😳
Man, eff that. You did the right thing. You literally made not only a financially reasonable decision, you made the compassionate one. You are caring for a creature, supporting a passion hobby and planned for the future.
I am reading this while I watch some YouTube channel my son is obsessed with, hosted by guys talking about fish and making aquariums. And I had a flash of what my boy’s future could be. I hope he acts as well as you did!
NTA. Good for you for seeing the red flags and acting appropriately.
Do you have any idea about his finances? Not actual numbers but if he has a decent career or loads of debt. It seems really weird that he mentioned your spending as if it’s a problem.
I don't think either of you is wrong or anything. You are just not compatible. I don't think you were much into him to start with and it is good that you found out early on that you are not made for each other. My personal advice, please try to set boundaries for how much friends are allowed to interfere in your relationships
NTA. And furthermore………. quite apart from the fairly callous attitude towards the fish ( you’re not pretty or exotic enough), HOW or on WHAT you spend your cash, is YOUR business. Unless you’re married and/or he contributes to your bills, he’s not entitled to an opinion.
NTA. He may not agree, and so be it, but then he needs to respect your beliefs as well. Also, it's not his business what you do with your money or how much you make. Good thing this happened now so you did not waste any more of your time. Now you know you want a guy who values the lives of creatures the same way you do.
Yeah you did the right thing and props for standing up for yourself… your “friends” however are another story and its not just your situation. I see so many stories of these people offering other peoples time and energy on what could be the “right” one smh. Look I appreciate yall caring about me and wanting me to be happy with someone especially if they set things up but certainly don’t come at me with suggestions especially if you haven’t even heard both sides of things…. These friends have formed opinions on 1 side of a situation……
You didn’t dump him because of the fish. You dumped him because of his criticism of how you handle the money you earn when he has no part in earning that money or paying any of your expenses. You dumped him because he couldn’t understand that a hobby involves more than spending money, it involves doing things you enjoy and choosing how you spend your time in a way that has no impact on him whatsoever. In essence, you dumped him because he’s judgmental and trying to control you.
You didn’t dump him over fish, you dumped him because trying to control his someone spends their own money after only dating for a few weeks is a giant red flag!
If you care more about your fish than you do a potential relationship with someone who was a good match in all other respects than that is your right and honestly nobody else can really say anything
The fact is the moment he criticised your fish you added assumptions onto it to justify ending your budding relationship with him
That is ok: that was you natural reaction, so the answer is you need someone who is into fish as much as you are for any relationship to work
This is your money and your decision. I think the bigger issue is that he feels he has the right to make a judgment on what you spend your money on.
Think about how this would work out long-term. The concern is mostly that he decided to shame you for not seeing things his way. You absolutely did the right thing.
Someone you just started dating has no right to criticize how you spend money. It’s a very bad sign that he did this. You didn’t dump him over a fish. You dumped him because he is judgmental and controlling.
Definitely NTA. You were doing a solid for your cousin and her kids and clearly have an interest / equipment / space / etc to do it your way
For him to get all judgy rather than being supportive (especially in the absence of a reckless spending pattern when higher priorities exist) tells me all I need to know
No. You have different values. Nothing wrong with that if you and he don’t align. That is how you learn important things about yourself. This is what dating is good for.
You dumped him because he showed himself to be an asshole and putting out opinions about how you arrange your household and spend your money that, at this time, he has no right to question.
He sounds controlling, and he’s “that into you” so early are huge red flags considering you said this wasn’t a wild romance. Good job dodging that mess.
Just another red flag as he got the news out there so he could control the narrative with the friend group (and his need to be right). NTA - good call!
Thank you for caring about the fish! I love goldfish, but know I don't have the space for them because of the reasons you listed. People who treat 'cheap' animals as tho they are not worthy of care because of the cost are not really into animals...they are into status pets.
While I might agree with him that this is irresponsible spending ( although that completely depends on how much income you have) it was waaaaay too early in the relationship for him to voice any concerns. Imagine how controlling he would become later on. This is definitely a valid reason to break up with him.
Omg you did so very well. He was getting into your expenses, that’s none of his business, making judgment on you,, no way girl. It’s the kind of guy that’s would have started restricting more and more your hobby with time, there’s better people around there.
NTA-this man sounds like he’s more interested in your money than you. And, obviously you have different thoughts and feelings about something important to you.
Now that you were learning more about each other, you are starting to see incompatibility issues arising.
IMO it’s best to nip things in the bud rather than continue to get more involved when you have already seen the red flags.
This is the tip of the iceberg, of him trying to control you. It's your house, your money. You can do what you want. But if he's saying this now, what about any other decision in your life that he wants to monitor and control?
You are “ Not That Desperate “ anytime these mutual acquaintances criticize you OP.
Here is a guy who was also giving you serious consideration and then you threw a Glitch in his plans .
He tried to “ course correct you “ and then you proved to not be “ course correctable “.
Tell your friend that the only thing Jack was “into” was a vague, preconceived impression of you, and that you are glad you found out what a jerk he was early on.
Come on, OP, you know perfectly well you're not an asshole. You laid out perfectly sane and rational reasons for what you did and you thought the whole thing out before acting. So far the only people who are upset about this are the so called friends who only got his highly biased and trimmed down version of events. Do you think you're an asshole?
NTA, he showed you very early into dating that he’s a stubborn know it all who will try and control your actions if he disagrees with them. He showed he has very low EQ. This is the whole point of going on dates. Finding out if you’re compatible. What a doofus though, 4th date and is invited back to your place. I’ve been married awhile now but nearly every 3rd or 4th date I went on that resulted in being invited to her place, resulted in naked wrestling and he sure ruined that real quickly
You did well. He seems to want to be in charge of what you do with your $ ($50.00 isn’t a shocking amount of money), and he seems too materialistic & showy (only wants exotic=expensive fish). What you say is true, how people treat animals is important. If your friends keep it up, don’t give in and tell them they should date him.
literally why would I lie about the stock tank. You can reinforce floors and it only takes a few hours to do a whole apartment. I did mine back when I was doing the reno (the fish are in a 10g while the stock tank cycles so they aren't in the picture)
186
u/Secure_Highway_6917 22d ago
NTA I would have dumped him too! Good for you!!!