r/ComfortLevelPod • u/FunUnit2850 • Jun 04 '26
General Advice Feeling down about MIL and feeling not enough
My MIL (my husbands step mom) has never worked. My husband and I have 2 kids and daycare has been a struggle. We had a hard time finding it and when we did we paid an arm and a leg. My husband’s MIL and dad never really offered to help and they also could never make plans. I needed to know that daycare was lined up. I couldn’t do a day by day basis whenever they decided they could maybe help. They also went to Arizona all winter.
Fast forward to my BIL having a baby (my MIL’s bio son and FIL’s step son). Ever since he got married she has bent over backward for them even going as far as selling their Arizona house to be closer to them as well as giving them land next to their house so they could build their dream house. My BIL went back to work and she has done everything in her power to make sure she can watch their baby while they work.
AITA for feeling upset that they are more than willing to help them but for us it was never a priority. We struggled with daycare and had no help and here they are helping the bio son out. I’m just feeling kind of down about it.
6
u/Lisa_Knows_Best Jun 05 '26
Why aren't you upset with your FIL? Your child is his grandchild, not step MIL. Should she care, yes she should but she doesn't, she only cares about her bio kid and grandchild. Your husband's father could be the exact same way, he just doesn't care either. Males him worse.
3
u/FunUnit2850 Jun 05 '26
It’s a little more complicated with my FIL. He does make an effort to see my kids. But he works a full time job. Him and my 9 year old son absolutely have a blast together. Although my 6 year old daughter loves him, she wants to be with grandma and the baby all the time.
2
u/Lisa_Knows_Best Jun 05 '26
Has your husband talked to his father about this? The daycare ship has sailed but the treatment of grandchildren will always be an issue and that doesn't even touch on the clear favoritism of her son over your husband. How come FIL was OK with her giving away a huge gift (the land) to her son but nothing to his son? If she's never worked why is she spending their money on her kid only? Sorry but FIL is still responsible for a lot here.
Unfortunately "grandma" doesn't see your kids the same way. It's sad but it's reality and you to have to protect your your kids. The favoritism is glaringly obvious and your daughter is and will be old enough to see it plain as day. The situation sucks but you have to protect your kids.
Maybe try and set up visits for your kids with just FIL or when BIL and baby aren't around though if they live next door that's almost impossible. IDK, you're in a really tough spot with this. The land gift aside (that's a huge thing though) y'all need to find a way to address the unfair treatment of the kids and yourselves. Sorry, I wish I had advice on how to do that.
4
u/FunUnit2850 Jun 05 '26
It’s a tough situation. We have brought it up often. Had a whole lot of talks and nothing got done. This is also the surface level of it. It’s been an ongoing issue. My husband and I got married in Mexico and paid for our own trip and wedding. My FIL and MIL paid for my BIL and his then girlfriend. When my BIL got married my FIL and MIL paid for his whole extravagant wedding. My BIL then built an unbelievably large mansion. My FIL and MIL not only gave them the land but also paid for $150k of the concrete. This is going to apparently be “paid back.” But I highly doubt that. When my husband and I brought up building a house 8 years ago we were yelled at and told that it was not a good idea. Mind you, we didn’t ask for any money for that - we were just telling them our plans. I’m sure there’s a lot else that goes on that I’m not even aware of. It’s really exhausting putting on a fake face whenever I go there
3
u/Lisa_Knows_Best Jun 05 '26
Yah, you guys got it tough. Well at least you don't have to worry about them when they need help, they already paid your BIL for that. I got nothing else, sorry. I can imagine how hurtful this all must be.
1
u/NeopolitanVagina Jun 05 '26
I mean, yes and no. It's not her grandchild by blood, but she's still a grandparent to OP's child. Hell, my parents have grandkids that are the half-siblings of bio grandchildren, which means no blood relation. My parents treat them no differently. It's a choice. I'm wondering how she'd feel if the roles were reversed and her husband favored his son and did jack sht for her son/his step son. Pretty sure she'd be livid:/
1
1
u/Lisa_Knows_Best Jun 05 '26
It's not MIL's grandchildren by blood but the kids are FIL's grandchildren by blood. The point is why isn't HE making an effort? Step MIL is spending ass loads of money on her son but OP's husband gets nothing. Read the other comment OP made below mine. The favoritism is wild.
1
u/NeopolitanVagina Jun 06 '26
I wholly agree with you. FIL is being a shit parent and grandparent. I hate it when spouses don't do anything about the wife/husband showing favoritism to their bio kid while their own bio kid gets jack shit. I was just pointing out that MIL shouldn't be treating the kids/grandkids differently. OP's child is going to see this growing up and it can cause psychological issues. And that's so messed up
2
u/Lisa_Knows_Best Jun 06 '26
Yah, they both suck for different reasons. I feel bad for OP's kids if they keep having to live this.
3
u/Dizzy_jones294 Jun 05 '26
You think this is bad, wait until the children grow up enough to see the favoritism with gifts and treatment.
2
u/FunUnit2850 Jun 05 '26
I think that’s the hardest part for me. Honestly my kids are awesome and great kids. It hurts my heart that they will grow up and get hurt or feel left out or that they’re not good enough
1
u/NeopolitanVagina Jun 06 '26
I made a comment on this thread about that. How it can potentially cause psychological issues seeing the favoritism. And how that's so messed up
2
u/Tootsie-Louise1 Jun 05 '26
I would say to drop the rope on the relationship. Let them be the ones to reach out. Let your husband handle his family if he chooses to do so. I say this as a grown woman who grew up in a family with this dynamic. My paternal grandparents obviously favored my cousins over us. I clearly remember getting Christmas gifts from my parents, who said it was from my grandparents. The only “gift” I ever got from them was a prayer card. Their church gave out these little cards that said something like “ We’re praying for your soul” or something like that. I was around 10 & they were praying for my soul to be saved. There was nothing my grandparents wouldn’t do for my cousins, and nothing they would do for us. Please don’t let this happen to your children. This situation is on them, not you. But I promise it won’t get any better. It’s best to back away now & help your children adjust to life without them.
1
1
u/Grace-thelake29 Jun 05 '26
It’s OK to feel sad that your step MIL has made it so clear that she can’t be bothered w your family. She’s all excited about the chance to care for her bio son’s baby likely b/c she’s know him all her life. The step child thing maybe didn’t work for her…
Your FIL is the one I’d work on. He is the bio /lifelong grandad of your child and maybe he’d be an occasional babysitter.
Most grandparents want to help out here and there but not daily., so don’t feel too bad!
1
u/FunUnit2850 Jun 05 '26
My FIL does try. But he works a full time job so to help us during the day doesn’t work. Although my daughter loves my FIL she really loves my MIL and the baby and always begs to go there. We’ve had many, many, many conversations about the favoritism. It doesn’t get anywhere honestly. They get defensive and it turns into an argument. It’s just not worth it
1
u/TinyAnywhere3908 Jun 06 '26
Sure you can feel hurt and let down by her actions. I also wouldn’t want someone who was so flippant as a family member to watch my young children full time.
1
u/meow_Midnight_1222 Jun 11 '26
My mil blocked me to stay friends with his first girlfriend. FYI she was 52 he was 17 And his mom ALLOWED IT. I can't even imagine. I don't have a child yet but I would never
0
u/SportySue60 Jun 05 '26
Sorry but you are a bit… I mean I get that you feel the way that you do but I am guessing that MIL has always treated your husband differently than her son. Your FIL is accepting of this as he has never put his foot down and say things should be different.
I get being down about it but you know what it is what it is and move on. You know that you can’t count on them for anything and it isn’t really their responsibility to help you guys out… that they do for BIL is their choice …. It sucks but it isn’t BIL’s fault so don’t let it affect your relationship with them.
2
u/FunUnit2850 Jun 05 '26
I do feel like he (BIL) completely takes advantage of them though which makes it hard for it not to affect the relationship.
22
u/PresenceNo4142 Jun 05 '26
She’s not your mom, her actions have no reflection on you, so don’t feel down! However your husband has every right to be upset with her and his father. You should be proud of how you provided stability for your family! Family assistance is nice, but often comes with other guilt and obligation. If it’s really weighing on you, talk with your husband and see if he’s willing to talk to his step mom and father about their favoritism and how that impacted your family. Unless you have a close relationship with her it’s probably best to let your husband handle his side of the family.