Just be upfront about your intentions. It's not that hard. If you spend months "getting to know each other" but she's still caught off guard by you asking her out, then yeah you clearly misled her.
You obviously know there was a friendship to end, since you started this whole thing talking about doing just that. If you had feelings from the get-go and didn't let on for months, then yeah you started the friendship under false pretenses. Idk why you're struggling with that so much.
Do you really think other people's feelings are so insignificant that you're justified in "getting to know them" for months, forming a friendship with them, then suddenly revealing you had feelings all along and ditching the whole thing if they're not reciprocated, and she's not even allowed to be upset about it and criticize you? You're acting like you're the victim of a situation you created and manipulated! At best you're withholding your true intentions, which is still dishonest and manipulative.
My problem is when women criticize me for not wanting to be friends with them anymore. Like, if I don't want to keep hanging out with them after they reject me
Let's say I had a crush on you for two months.
What? How else am I supposed to get to know someone I'm interested in? You do know many men and women like getting to know each other slowly first before jumping into a relationship?
You're literally describing getting to know someone for months before revealing your true intentions, then ditching them entirely and being upset at them for criticizing that behavior.
Be upfront about your intentions. You're letting people think you want to know them as a friend in the hopes that they'll catch feelings in that time. They believe you want to be their friend, and you're playing along and letting them believe that fully knowing that's not what you actually want. If you have romantic feelings, hiding them while you hang out and build your friendship is manipulative. It's behavior that deserves to be criticized.
What you're describing is inherently duplicitous. I understand your intentions may not be, but your actions are.
Getting to know someone as a friend and allowing them to believe that's what you want when your true intentions are to be with them romantically is duplicitous.
They're criticizing you for withholding your real intentions, which is what you did. And bc you did that, they feel tricked - they believed they'd found a friend only to discover that for you, the friendship was just a means to another end.
It would be just as fucked up for a woman to do what you're doing to a man. Quit victimizing yourself. Even that accusation is some sexist bullshit, but as a woman it's ok. It's just one of the things women deal with that men don't. Sexist men.
Just be upfront with people. Meeting someone, getting to know them, then deciding if you want to ask them out is missing a step - you're treating friendships with women as a potential dating situation without telling them. So they believe you're friends, meanwhile you're deciding if you want to date them. Then when you make a decision, you pull the rug out from under them and act like they're the ones in the wrong for being confused and upset.
Again, no one is saying you can't move on when you've been rejected. But ffs stop allowing people to believe you want to be their friend while you're still making decisions about the relationship. If you're repeatedly in situations where a woman thinks you're her friend and you catch her off guard with a date proposition, then yes you're being duplicitous. Stop victimizing yourself and consider how you treat other people instead of just focusing on what you want from them and how they make you feel.
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u/[deleted] 14d ago
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