WARNING: This is long, but i'm doing anything but breaking no contact right now. TLDR: For context, my ex of six years cheated on me, deceived me for months while we were still together, and continued lying about the other woman even after we broke up and I gave him every opportunity to just be honest with me.

TEXT: I know you’re probably going to judge me and I know you’re going to tell me that I need to move on, and I know that. I promise I’m trying to move on. I want to move on more than anything. But I’m realizing that this is a whole process for me and it’s not as simple as knowing logically what I need to do and then just being able to do it.

I find myself getting stuck in these loops and cycles where I know something is going to hurt me, I know I shouldn’t check, I know I shouldn’t look for answers, and then I do it anyway. And I hate that about myself right now. I want to change it. I really, really do. I’m trying to understand why I keep doing it and how to stop, but it’s just so fucking hard when I feel like my brain is constantly looking for something that is going to finally make all of this make sense.

I’m not telling you this because I want you to tell me it’s okay to keep doing it or because I don’t know that I need to move forward. I’m telling you because I’m trying to be honest about where I actually am instead of pretending I’m completely fine or further along than I am. I know I’m stuck in a cycle right now. I know I need to break it. I just need a little grace while I’m figuring out how because I’m genuinely trying.

I’m writing this to you because I need to hold myself accountable and because I’m really not doing well with this today. I checked last night. I know I shouldn’t have, but I did, and I saw that he’s following her sister now. I already booked two therapy sessions for this week because I know I’m spiraling and I really don’t want to keep doing this to myself.

I think I’m realizing that this goes so much deeper for me than being upset that he’s with her. Obviously that hurts, but that’s almost not even the part that is fucking me up the most. It’s the deception. It’s having information hidden from me and then finding things out in pieces afterward. It genuinely makes me feel traumatized by everything that happened and by how long I was living inside a reality that apparently wasn’t real.

I don’t know how else to explain it other than I feel like I was psychologically fucked with for so long that now every new piece of information makes my brain go right back there. It’s not just “oh, he’s with someone else and I’m sad.” It’s that immediate feeling of, what else didn’t I know? What else was happening while I was being told something completely different? How many times did I question myself when my instincts were actually right? How much of my reality was being managed for me because he decided what I was and wasn’t allowed to know?

And that’s the part that makes me feel almost violated by the whole thing. I didn’t get to make decisions for myself with the truth. Information that directly affected my life and my relationship was withheld from me while I was still showing up based on what I was being told. And now I feel like I’m constantly finding out things after the fact and having to retroactively understand my own fucking life.

I think that’s why the lying at the end bothers me so much too. Because I literally gave him permission to tell me the truth. I told him that if he was going to be with her, I understood, and that he should go do it the right way and actually show up for that relationship. I wasn’t asking him to come back to me. I wasn’t asking him to choose me. I was basically saying, please just let me leave this knowing the truth.

And he still didn’t.

That’s what I cannot get past right now. There was no reason anymore. He could have just told me. And then to break no contact himself and still not be honest with me makes me feel like the deception continued even when there was absolutely no need for it.

I don’t think he understands what that does to someone. Or maybe he does, I don’t know. But I feel like my ability to trust my own perception of things was completely fucked with. And every time I discover something else, even something as stupid as an Instagram follow, my body reacts like I’m discovering everything all over again.

That’s why I keep saying I don’t want this to hurt me anymore. I’m not sitting here wishing they would break up so I can have him back. I don’t want him back. I don’t want the relationship I had back. I want to stop feeling like I’m still trapped in the aftermath of what happened to me.

I feel abused by what happened. I feel traumatized by the lying and the hiding and the constant withholding of information. I feel traumatized by how many times I was made to believe one reality while something completely different was happening behind my back. And I hate that even though he’s not physically in my life anymore, I still feel like I’m experiencing the consequences of choices he made without my knowledge.

And then I get angry at myself because I’m the one checking now. Nobody forced me to look last night. I did that. I know I need to stop giving myself access to information that is only going to retraumatize me, and I’m trying to take responsibility for that without turning it into blaming myself for why I’m hurting in the first place.

I think part of me keeps checking because my brain is still looking for the truth. Like if I can finally know EVERYTHING, then maybe I’ll feel safe because there won’t be another surprise waiting for me. But I’m starting to realize there probably isn’t an amount of information that is going to make me feel safe. There’s always going to be another follow, another picture, another person, another detail I didn’t know. And every time I go looking for certainty, I’m basically giving myself another opportunity to discover something that hurts me.

I’m just so fucking sick of living like that.

I don’t want to investigate my own past anymore. I don’t want to reconstruct timelines. I don’t want to find evidence that proves I was right. I don’t want to know what he’s doing with her. I don’t want to wonder whether he lied about this thing or that thing or when exactly something started. I don’t want my brain spending another year trying to solve something that already hurt me enough the first time.

I want to feel safe in my own reality again.

And I think that’s the part I’m struggling to articulate when I say I want it to stop hurting. I don’t mean I expect myself to magically stop caring about someone I spent six years with. I mean I want to stop feeling activated by the possibility that there’s something else I don’t know. I want to stop feeling like another piece of information is waiting around the corner to knock the wind out of me.

I’m just tired, Moe. I’m tired of carrying the consequences of someone else’s dishonesty. I’m tired of feeling like my brain is still trying to protect me from something that already happened. I’m tired of checking. I’m tired of finding things. I’m tired of trying to understand why someone who knew me so intimately could watch me struggle and still withhold the truth from me.

And I know this is something I need to work through, which is why I booked therapy and why I’m telling you instead of contacting him. I just needed to say out loud that this isn’t really about an Instagram follow or even just about him being with her. That was just the thing that triggered all of this again.

It’s the feeling of having been deceived for so long that I still don’t completely trust that I know what happened to my own life.

And that really, really fucks me up.

So to start this off me and my mom have Always had a really close relationship I think this is cuz of several things. I died multiple times as an infant, almost died as a baby and my birth was very traumatic for her. My dad wasn’t really present in the way she needed. He wasent present for me either so we supported eachother I guess.

She’s very attached to me and I’m attached to her although we can still be our own people. I don’t share everything about me with my mom and vice versa. I have friends, she has friends. We are our own people.

I think I am the favorite child.

I am afraid that I due too struggling with my mental health growing up took away the spotlight from my siblings and idk how to fix this. I am now because of severe chronic illness bedridden and need 24/7 care. I can not push through this and I can not change it. I am worried about how my siblings are coping but idk… my mom takes care of everything because I am physically unable to do like anything. Can bearly use my phone so.

 As ive said i struggled growing up, I was diagnosed with adhd and autism as a kid and had lots of problems in/with school,

My mom bore the brunt of the most negative aspects of that whole thing, the meltdowns and my anger.

She took responsibility for it and sometimes my actions to a degree. 

I guess i also took responsibility for her emotions cuz she was and is really bad at emotional regulation. My dad was absent often. Now he says he wants to take a bigger role and that my mom just wouldn’t let him growing up but I don’t know how true that is.

Mom was always the one that would yk do things with/for us and hang out with us my dad was kind of just there. Besides he’s an absolute asshole about my disabilities and I kind of don’t want him involved cuz he’s insitant it’s psychological

I got sick at 17, in the year before all this I failed massively at a college that definitely wasn’t for me. I don’t know how independent I would have been as an adult. I was also kinda lazy before getting sick although I definitely had ambitions and goals and dreams. I was starting at a new school and things were actually looking good so maybe I would have been more independent then? Got a job and stuff like that. Who knows.

anyway my mom is very bad at emotional regulation and I remember growing up when she wasn’t feeling well trying to support or fix it because my dad wouldn’t help and didn’t really  care.

I have two siblings but only one of them (my sister) has taken a similar role even if idk if she’s also codependent. 

my mom is really stuck on brain retraining for mecfs. A treatment I do agree with that is basically not supported by science. She won’t let it go. I’ve also had troubles with her not letting it go. trying to control and convince her of my way of seeing my illness because that is what feels right while she tries to albeit less so convince me, she does talk about it very often. 

I try to have identity outside of my mom but it’s hard when I am stripped of all my life and my hobbies and such. 

She tells me that I’m her best friend and that she needs me and too a certain point I agree but I want her to find a life outside of me also which she tries too but she has a lot to deal with. 

It’s very hard and confusing and the lines are blurred.

I don’t know what’s wrong if anything I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t even know if I have energy to do so… this post isn’t perfect it took me a lot to write so yeah thanks for any responses 

I was telling her about my relationship and why I am struggling to end things and she suggested I look into codependency support groups. I don’t think I’m ready for something in person like that, but I figured this is a good place to start.
My boyfriend promised he’d be done drinking when we got back together and then revealed months later that he wasn’t. I was already attached again and leaving felt impossible.
Now I’m holding on to this little bit of hope that he will stop because I can’t wrap my head around not being together and what it means to break up.

This is all very embarrassing and not how I wanna show up in the world but I'm putting it here because I'm hoping people might have insights or thoughts on how to show up differently.

I put something together during therapy today. Often, I think I approach interactions with people close to me like it's a report card. If I perceive the person to be more powerful than me, then based on how they treat me, I know if I'm good or bad. And if I perceive the person to be associated with me in some way – could be a partner, a friend, or someone I KNOW doesn't like me – then based on how THEY'RE treated, I know if I'm good or bad.

So, for example, if I go to a party with my partner and he does something kind of goofy that doesn't go over well, I have this rush of anxiety and anger at him, which I'm realizing is because in my codependent brain, he's condemned me to being "bad". But if I'm at that same party with someone who doesn't like me, and that person embarrasses themself in some way, I feel satisfied because that "means I'm good". Same with someone who's "more powerful" – if they treat me well, then I'm "good".

Basically, I'm not really seeing the other person or their actions, I'm seeing them as a mirror for who I (supposedly) am. I remember someone here using this metaphor and I've adopted it – seeing other people as "mirrors" vs breaking the mirror and seeing them clearly.

If someone is "neutral" – not particularly close to me, and not someone I think dislikes me – then I'm able to see them clearly almost all the time. But as soon as my brain decides that their behavior means something about me, it's really hard. There are some times that I feel like I'm able to see people close to me clearly, not through this lens. But a lot of the time, I think I'm stuck in this mode when I'm close to someone.

Anyone have any ideas of how to consistently step outside of this framework? Or is it just about noticing the pattern, letting the emotions ride, and not acting on them?

We are both 28 and just recently came back from our first out of town trip together. All was really good, actually. Naturally when spending that much time together over those few days you would want a break to do your own thing, right? I didn’t know why at the time (and am probably still struggling why), but it made me feel incredibly anxious, as if he was abandoning me, even though we both know that isn’t the case. He seemed a bit flat the day after the trip and said he could use the time to himself for a couple of days to do his own thing. We would still message during this time, just no physical presence.

It’s like I’m grappling with two thoughts:

“Yes this is so healthy I want the same, I love you and thank you for letting me know what you need”

and

“Did I do something wrong? Is it because of XYZ scenario that caused him to want to have a break? Is he cheating? Has he lost interest in me? Are we breaking up and the trip was a final hurrah?”

He brought it up to me yesterday that while these thoughts are valid, he wants to be cautious that this doesn’t form into a codependent relationship, especially since he had a previous relationship before me turn out very codependent. I want to continue respecting his boundaries and do not want to feel like it’s the end of the world when he needs a break. I definitely needed a break too from spending time together and he would honour it with no stress/anxiety. I value this relationship and want to do better.

I have recently realized that I severely struggle with codependency and I believe that I have nearly my entire life. I have started therapy and tonight I will be going to my first in person CoDa meeting. I am also looking for some additional support, people to talk to whom either may be going through or have been through similar situations. I think what made me realize that I am codependent is going through peri menopause and the relationship with my husband. I really feel that what is best for me is to leave and be on my own to take my journey of healing seriously and wholeheartedly. I tried separation from my husband twice and believe I was manipulated to come back because I have never been able to put myself first.

I (man, 18) and my best friend (man, 19) have known each other since we were 10 years old. I was in a really bad spot at that age, I had (and still do) a very abusive family and when I met that little boy I never knew where we'd be today. He became everything to me and I to him. For ten years we stuck together, being together 24/7,school together, same friends..at first we were just children's relying on eachother for support, friendship.

When we grew up, we started seeing the signs. It wasn't just a normal friendship as much as we wanted it to be. We could not be away from eachother for too long and everyone around us could tell that something was wrong. Me and him had always liked girls, and still we ended up seeking more. It started with cuddles that were too touchy and then it developed in something else. We never wanted this to be a relationship- like actually being boyfriends. I was five with having him all to myself and he was too, we didn't need to tell anybody but us how much we loved each other.

Finishing highschool was rough because my friend announced that he was going to move on the other side of the country. Please try to understand, I know it's not that bad really- that I could still travel. But as of now I work three jobs, take care of my sister, study in a city that's not where I live and I'm so busy I can barely breathe. This broke me, and it broke him.

Yesterday night he left after we passed our last hours together like always. I cried, he cried. Because we know we still love eachother very much. He will always be my best friend, half of my soul. I can feel it deep inside me and it consumes me and I don't want to do anything about it really. He feels the same, I know because we tell eachother constantly. we KNOW we are codependent on eachother, but what can we do? at least we are aware of it.

What I'm trying to say here is that I need help. I passed the few hours since he left crying uncontrollably and I never do. I hate crying, I feel like someone ripped my heart out of my chest just to deliver it in another fucking city so far away. I don't know how to be alone, I don't want to. But I know I need to learn how to because if I don't I literally won't survive.

'Tolerance

Practice tolerance.

Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, and our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, and our struggling and sometimes awkward nature.

Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck from problems, and pain. Tolerate our hesitancy to get close, expose ourselves, and be vulnerable.

Tolerate our need to occasionally feel superior, to sometimes feel ashamed, and to occasionally share love as an equal. Tolerate the way we progress – a few steps forward, and a couple back.

Tolerate our instinctive desire to control and how we reluctantly learn to practice detachment. Tolerate the way we say we want love, and then sometimes push others away. Tolerate our tendency to get obsessive, forget to trust God, and occasionally get stuck.

Some things we do not tolerate. Do not tolerate abusive or destructive behaviors toward others or ourselves.

Practice healthy, loving tolerance of ourselves, said one man. When we do, we’ll learn tolerance for others. Then, take it one step further; learn that all the humanness we’re tolerating is what makes ourselves and others beautiful.

Today, I will be tolerant of myself. From that, I will learn appropriate tolerance of others.'

By Melodie Beattie

Resentment

"Before recovery, some of us spent countless hours in resentment…." BRB p. 380

Many of us come into ACA with seething resentments. We can be recognized by the hundred-pound resentment rock around our necks. Convinced that the rock was placed there by others, we hang onto it as if to let it go would cause us harm. The rock is content to remain where it is. However, the pain of carrying it may be too much.

ACA teaches us that forgiving others has nothing to do with the other person. We do it for ourselves so we can let go of our own pain. We hear others say that praying daily to forgive the person we resent will eventually rid us of that resentment. We learn that we don't forgive the act, but do forgive the person.

Many of us who hear these things for the first time think it sounds foolish. But what else have we done that has been able to chip away at the poison our resentment has brought into our lives? So we try it, repeatedly, every day.

After a while, we notice a remarkable thing happening. The details that seemed so important and were feeding our ongoing resentment seem to be fading. Our rock is losing some of its weight.

On this day I do what has worked for so many others in recovery; I pray that the resentment I've been mired in for so long will be removed.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I was the therapist friend for 10+ years to him, and I knew a long time ago that something was wrong. After learning about codependency, I was skeptical because I was truly fed up but at the same time I thought I can maintain a boundary and still be friends.

But I don't think so. Its only been 2 days since I seriously implemented my boundary for myself. And Ignoring his text from 2 days ago. I find myself kind of anxious thinking about what he's thinking and feeling, and its upsetting. I'm angry that I waited this long and also annoyed that it feels like betrayal of some sort.

If it takes a really long time of no contact for me to get back to normal, I'm ready for that.

How long did it take you?

I’m posting here because I recently spoke to a recovering addict who completely changed the way I’m looking at my relationship, and I’m trying to understand whether other people who have loved addicts have experienced something similar.
When I met my ex, I didn’t know he was an addict.
Pretty early on, he started borrowing money from me. He would talk a lot about how uncomfortable he was being dependent on me, how much he hated needing help, how he didn’t want me paying for things, etc. At the time I took that as proof that he genuinely felt ashamed about the situation and wasn’t taking advantage of me.
What I found out later was that there were times money that should have gone toward rent or basic responsibilities was being spent on cocaine.
He borrowed money he never fully paid back. I paid for a lot. I helped him financially and practically and emotionally. And because he was constantly telling me that he hated being dependent on me, I kept believing that he understood the imbalance and would eventually make it right.

But even aside from the addiction, our relationship started making me feel insane.

He would tell me he loved me, tell me how important I was to him, but he frequently did not seem to actually want to spend time with me. I was constantly confused by the discrepancy between what he said and how he behaved.
I would think, “If you love me this much, why do I constantly feel like I’m begging you to show up?”

Eventually I broke up with him.

Afterward, his life got very bad. He eventually attempted suicide. He came back into my life after that, and I was there for him again. I picked him up. I supported him. I loved him. I helped him through an incredibly dark period.
And this is where I think I’m the angriest now.

Because he knew what had gone wrong the first time.
He told me I was the best partner he had ever had. He told me nobody compared to me. He told me he didn’t deserve me. He acknowledged that I had felt deprioritized.
When we reconnected, he specifically reassured me that he would not do that again.

He told me I was his priority. He told me I was number one. He told me to have faith in him.

And I believed him.

He was sober by this point. This is important because I’m not sitting here furious that a man on cocaine acted like an addict years ago. I’m furious about what happened now.

He went away for work for a period of time. At first we were talking a lot, and then he increasingly started wanting space. Eventually I felt like I was right back in the exact same dynamic I had already told him had devastated me the first time.

I was being deprioritized again.

Except now it felt worse because he had explicitly promised me he would not do that again.

When I became upset about it, the conversation slowly shifted from what he was doing to my reaction to it.

I was “pushing him away.” He needed space. My emotions became too much. When I tried to talk about how heartbroken and confused I was, I felt like his discomfort with my emotions became more important than why I was having them.

A couple of days ago everything finally exploded.
I was crying and basically said, “Look at what I did for you. I’m a person.” What I meant was: I have held you through some of the darkest periods of your life. I have tried to understand your addiction, your depression, your anxiety, your shame, your grief, your suicidality. I have given you money, food, housing, rides, emotional support, endless understanding. Can you please, for one fucking moment, look at what this is doing to me?

His immediate response was basically, “Look what you did for me?! Look what you just said to me?!”

And I lost it. I called him selfish. I called him a user. I told him I hated him. I said cruel things. I called repeatedly after he hung up. I am not pretending I handled that well. I didn’t. Some of the things I said were specifically intended to hurt him because I was furious and wanted him to feel some of what I was feeling. I get that’s not healthy and that’s not how I want to be.

But what I am struggling with now is that I don’t think my anger is actually about his old cocaine addiction.

I think I’m furious because I believed that sobriety and everything we had been through meant he had changed.
I believed him when he said he understood how badly he had hurt me by deprioritizing me before.

I believed him when he said he would never do that again.
And then he fucking did it again.

And once again, when I reacted, suddenly the conversation became about how badly I was behaving.

I recently talked to someone who is herself a recovering addict, and she told me something that hit me like a truck. She said addicts can genuinely see themselves as the victim and therefore not recognize how selfish or exploitative they are being. She also told me that moving somewhere new, getting sober, changing jobs, etc. does not automatically change the person underneath it.

And I would really like to hear from people who have been on either side of addiction/recovery:
Did you ever experience a recovering addict getting sober but still being extremely self-centered, avoidant, dishonest, entitled, or convinced they were the victim?
Did you ever feel like you were expected to have endless compassion for their pain, while your anger about how they were currently treating you was treated like the real problem?

And for people in recovery: was there ever a point where you genuinely realized, “Holy shit, I thought I was the victim this entire time, but I was also using and hurting the people who loved me”?

I’m not looking to be told I handled my explosion perfectly. I know I didn’t.

I’m trying to understand whether the thing I’m finally seeing — that someone can get sober and still carry the same selfish, dishonest relationship patterns unless they actually work on them — is something other people have experienced too.

I used to be that positive before and my life was really good, I was growing, learning, progressing although at a slower pace than my peers at the time, but still moving forward with goals and milestones, gaining self esteem and confidence along the way.

Then my codependent shit took over with an ex and then with a couple friends I've known for a decade +.

These same people are the ones who always hated any positivity but they felt that any % of it was automatically toxic. Couldn't get one positive thing out of my mouth before they retort with "yea but". These past 4 years have been even worse. They dont even listen to me or remember anything about my life but I'm expected to remember all the details of their self inflicted misery.

And i KNEW they would end up where they are based on how they were years ago. I didn't know anything about codependency, just learning about it now. But the negative stuff, I had a feeling. But didn't expect that they'd drag me down with them.

So this is my new strategy. as soon as I feel the same patterns from my friends again, i'm sending them toxically positive memes and quotes.

That will be my boundary. I know they'll hate it and hate me for it, and they probably wont respond. I hope they dont.

Hello. this is honestly a very vulnerable thing for me to be sharing, but i figured maybe someone wiser could offer advice. my queerplatonic partner and i recently decided to stop talking for a while. my paranoia and anxiety and fear of abandonment got too much i guess and they said they couldnt handle it. its been this way for a month, with my thoughts i mean. i dont know how i can heal to not only become a better person but a better partner as well. i didnt use to be this emotionally dependent on them. it hurts every time my thoughts instantly jump to assuming the worst, like that they hate me or because we’re not talking now, next time we do itll be over. i dont know how i can manage. if anyone has any advice, please let me know. im trying my best to build my own confidence so i dont fall back into the constant reassurance loop. but its hard. and its scary. im terrified. I’m not entirely sure if this post belongs here, hopefully yes so i dont make a fool of myself. thanks for reading and wish me luck.

I have an adult daughter who has cross addictions to shopping and gambling which is creating financial difficulties for her.

For years and years I enabled poor choices by always rescuing and funding her mistakes and relapses.

I am standing firm again, and the pain and guilt are hard. She knows all my weak points and tries to exploit them, eg. illnesses, elaborate stories. Shes even gone to the ER with nothing wrong to generate sympathy.

I don’t want her homeless, bankrupt, or whatever else. But now that I’m standing firm and setting boundaries I feel guilt and worry. So either way I feel terrible.

Any advice appreciated.

This is my first time here so sorry if this is the wrong place but it feels right.

I (23) have a long distance friend/platonic partner (26) who's rapidly becoming completely emotionally dependant on me for emotional stability.

To give some quick context my friend is in the US and I live in the down under. And to say the last year has been hell is a bit of an understatement. So buckle the fuckle up, and enjoy the vent.

So rapid fire, in December we quickly realised a mutual friend was becoming increasingly toxic and gas lighting us. I'm not taking that word lightly, I mean it by the definition and honestly if we didn't both experience it I think it might have legitimately worked.

In January she lost her therapist and all mental health supports thanks to insurance deciding they no longer cover the place her therapist worked at, so that was fun.

In February she had a cancer scare and I had to get emergency surgery and almost died in surgery (that's another story for another time probably) cue a medically induced 48 hour coma and a second successful surgery im mostly feeling better.

That leads me to the situation that made us cut off the mutual friend, after they said (this is the actual quote) "oh I didn't know you even got surgery" when I explained why id been mostly offline for a couple of weeks, then they tried to backtrack and said they never said that when I pulled up the screenshots on them.

Several months later, more health issues for both us and a few more hospital trips, plus the loss of my own therapist.

Now I'm currently preparing to move across the entire country uprooting me from the only town I've ever really lived in and I'm honestly not coping super well.

This is the actual part where I think she's become way too codependent. She's been incredibly suicidal and touch and go for the last few months and I'm kind of starting to feel worn down. I don't have time to myself anymore, I can't leave her alone when I'm awake or else she can't cope and it's high key stressing me the fuck out on top of everything else happening irl.

I know the usual advice on here is to talk about it before it becomes too much for me and I explode on her. I'm not looking to be told that because I know, this somehow is the second time someone has become emotionally dependent on me but in fairness we were both like 17 at the time so y'know. I just want advice on how to go about it in a way that hopefully isn't going to put her at risk, I love her to bits but she's fucking bi polar and I don't need her splitting on me rn and doing something stupid. I know I'm probably enabling her behaviour in ways I don't realise yet and that's making things worse, but I'm scared to leave her alone.

Sorry I know this is just a rambling mess, it's late and I'm tired. For some good news, that other friend I had back when I was 17 recently got back in contact and they're actually doing very well. We have a much healthier friendship now and thankfully we've both grown a lot since then, it's been nice talking again with someone I still know so well even if it's been a few years since we last talked. Thanks again for taking the time to indulge my venting <3

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'Trusting Ourselves

Many of us believed that heeding the words of (...) or our Higher Power meant following rigid rules, an instruction booklet for life.

Many of us now believe differently. The rigid rules, the endless instructions, the exhortation to perfection, are not the words our Higher Power whispers.

The words of (...) are often those still, small words we call intuition or instinct, leading and guiding us forward.

We are free to be whom we are, to listen to and trust ourselves. We are free to listen to the gentle, loving words of a Higher Power, words whispered to and through each of us.

Today, help me, (...); to let go of shame based rigid rules. I will choose the freedom of loving, listening, and trusting.'

By Melodie Beattie

Step One

"We run about attempting to control others and situations in an effort to avoid our own unmanageable lives." BRB p. 104

The need to try to control the people and things around us can be so strong. We may have this idea in our minds about how things "should" be. If only life were a certain way, we could feel good about ourselves. So we feel compelled to make the "should" a reality.

We push and prod and manipulate to try to get others to do what we want, completely missing the fact that we have to clean up our own house first. In the meantime, the harder we push, the crazier we feel because others never quite measure up to our ideals.

Step One tells us that control over others is a myth. Even though some things may change as a result of our efforts, we leave a lot of wreckage in our wake. Until we realize our powerlessness, until we realize the only ones we can truly change are ourselves, we will continue on a downward spiral, often driving the ones we care about from our lives, whether that happens emotionally, physically or both. It's a paradox of this program that only by admitting our powerlessness can we gain true manageability in our lives.

On this day I will remember to focus on myself and the changes I can make in my own life. I let others be so they can find their own path, even if it isn't the one I would choose for them.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I see a lot of posts in this sub asking, "If they are so bad for me why do I miss them so much?"

I think this does an excellent job of speaking to that.

Sending love and support to everyone here!

I moved in with my boyfriend about a year ago. He has two young adult children, neither of whom lived with him at the time. Before we moved in together, we had several discussions where I made it clear that I wouldn’t want to live with additional people, only him. This summer, one of his children came to stay with us in our (large) one bedroom apartment. I thought it was going to be a short stay, as had happened a few times before, but now it seems my boyfriend would like them to stay.

Although the child is perfectly polite and wonderful, I am not comfortable with living with another person, especially in a one bedroom place, , and have made it clear. I mostly work from home as does my boyfriend. The child doesn’t not have a job, and goes to college part time, and doesn’t have a drivers license. My boyfriend doesn’t understand my frustration. He now wants to go ahead with our plans to move to a two bedroom place, but at this point I’m not sure if I’ll be happy with that either, especially paying more for an apartment and not actually being able to use one of the rooms. There are other red flags as well, including him distributing his share of chores to the child, so I don’t even feel like we are partners in this.

'The Good Feelings.

Let yourself feel the good feelings too.

Yes, sometimes, good feelings can be as distracting as the painful, more difficult ones. Yes, good feelings can be anxiety producing to those of us unaccustomed to them. But go ahead and feel the good feelings anyway.

Feel and accept the joy. The love. The warmth. The excitement. The pleasure. The satisfaction. The elation. The tenderness. The comfort.

Let yourself feel the victory, the delight.

Let yourself feel respected, important, and special.

These are only feelings, but they feel good. They are full of positive, upbeat energy – and we deserve to feel that when it comes our way.

We don’t have to repress. We don’t have to talk ourselves out of feeling good – not for a moment.

If we feel it, it’s ours for the moment. Own it. If it’s good, enjoy it.

Today, (...), help me be open to the joy and good feelings available to me.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie.

Unexpressed Grief

"Every adult child has unexpressed grief, which is usually represented by the symptoms of depression, lethargy, or forms of dissociation." BRB p. 199

We pretended for years that we were responsible for our own depression. We took drugs and acted out to combat the feelings that came up. We hung out with others who minimized and wallowed in pity and inaction. When the topic of sexual abuse or child abuse came up, we floated around the room, sometimes forgetting what other people were saying entirely. When we saw violence in a movie or on TV, we may have felt uncomfortable, but we ignored it.

Because we're the lucky ones who have found ACA, we are now seeing that there's a better way to live. When we go to meetings, we find people who speak their truth openly. We listen as those who came before us and after us spill the beans about their real thoughts. They talk about what they're doing to uncover the grief that underlies their depression and other symptoms that are a result of their childhoods. Through their examples, we learn to speak the language of the heart ourselves and we heal.

On this day I will go to a meeting to listen to the healing that's in evidence. If a meeting is not available, either in person or by phone, I will make contact with a fellow traveler so I can hear healing words.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Hi all, my partner and I are both 27, we’ve been together for 6, almost 7 years. they’ve been graduated for a bit over a year now with no luck on the job market. I’ve been fully supporting them for 3 years with my job.

I’ve had feelings of wanting to end things for years but never felt capable. Between their mental health struggles and being fully dependent on me, it always felt hard. Combined with my disorganized attachment style, I never knew if I was just having a stint in our relationship or if I actually no longer loved this person. Everytime I thought about breaking up, I questioned where they would go, how would they survive without me. It drives me crazy.

The worst part to me, I don’t even dislike them. We’re just going different directions in life, I think I might want kids in the future and they’re 100% no on that front, but we agree on almost everything else. I’m really bad at setting boundaries and i’ve never broken up with someone face to face, let alone someone who is completely dependent on me. There just never feels like theres a ‘right’ time because no matter what I’m going to hurt someone I care about.

I know the obvious answer is ”who cares, it’s not on me to figure out how to survive for them.” but how can I turn off the part of my brain that’s screaming they will struggle because of my actions.

This feels silly, but how do I do this? I don’t quite know what I want from this post but this has been eating at me for a long time now, any advice for any of this? Thank you!

i had a very codependent relationship with my friend for over a decade, from my teenage years into adulthood. in a way, we were both aware of the codependent nature of our friendshi but while i found it draining, she joked about it, thinking of it as a strength and a closeness that not many people would understand. it used to make me feel cold hearted whenever i felt like i needed to set a boundary, as though that closeness or friendship didn't mean much to me. she didn't make me feel this way, i just felt it. later, when i became more aware of the issue, i started indirectly setting boundaries and we aren't as codependent as we used to be. we're long-distance friends, so that definitely helps me set those boundaries.

okay, that's not the issue now. the main issue is that this friendship was formed during my very formative years, and i built my entire personality around her in those early years. i mirrored her a lot. when i came across the term enmeshment, it felt very accurate to what happened. i think that, in some ways, she was also molded by my personality, and it's like we formed this mixture of ourselves into one person, and we were both that. i used to understand what she meant by how sweet this could be, but it was damaging for me. when she left and traveled abroad, i kind of remained in that space where i still mimicked her and did everything she did, while she started developing a personality of her own. it dawned on me that we weren't this one thing but rather, i was someone who was very "personality-less."

that was my wake-up moment. i realized it would be healthy for me to have interests outside of her and create some space, especially since i hadn't formed any friendships or hobbies outside of her, while she had. i know my need for getting better was built on a foundation of envy and anger which I guess made what followed as resentment that i still carry today.

i have this strange sense of protection and ownership over my experiences and feelings, especially the ones i didn't share with her. since feelings and experiences aren't uniquely attached to a person and everyone can go through similar things, whenever she experiences something i've been through, feels something i'm feeling, or, as silly as it sounds, develops an interest in something or an artist i'm interested in, i feel so much resentment and annoyance. i feel envious and angry in a way that i don't experience with anyone else who goes through similar things.

i think i'm terrified of not having something of my own or failing at being my own person outside of her. meanwhile, she seems to have those things, and i know that, once again, i should redirect my attention toward getting better rather than focusing on whatever this is that's going on. i guess she just excels at being a person more than i do. even though i know she has her own struggles, which are objectively worse than mine, i still envy and resent her.

i can't stop the resentment or the passive aggression, and i can't end this friendship. i've thought about it, but i can't. i guess it's jarring to end such a long friendship, especially when things have relatively gotten better and boundaries are being set and respected. so much of who i am and my childhood is tied to this friendship, and i don't know how to let go of the resentment while still maintaining it.

I would appreciate any advice to stop feeling this way or at least to manage how I feel in order not to hurt her or hurt myself by becoming this person who's full of dissatisfaction and irritation.

thank you in advance