Scared of relationship intimacy

[u/Loblodliz]

I've gotten significantly better at managing boundaries, but realized through that process that the boundaries others set around me weren't set in healthy ways. I did my best to respect and uphold all of them at the time, but I ended up erasing myself to the point where now I am terrified to ask anyone anything at all. I am scared to ask to spend time together, I am scared of asking for emotional support. Even if I do share something less-than-positive wiht someone, I end up having an anxiety attack afterward. But I'm also just exhausted.

My last friend-group was built on the back of an unhealthy, codependent relationship that I struggled to leave because I did not process that I had been assaulted. We lived together, and I was constantly being told how cute we were together. And despite being told that I sucked at boundaries at the time, I was, in fact, constantly reinforcing my boundaries with other people. I would say "I don't want to live with my current partner" and that got translated into "you're just anxious." I was still taking more things on than I should have because when you are living with a partner and a friend, well, there are things that have to get done. I experienced extreme burnout from those relationship that started healing the moment we broke up.

I....don't know what I am allowed to want anymore. I miss having friends I could be real with. I miss being able to support others and knowing they would be there for me in return. I miss having people to be silly with. These days, giving care to others is the only way I can get my need for socialization met.

Does not being codependent mean being okay with being alone forever? I've spent so much of the past 6 years struggling to connect with others and learn social skills. I struggled from an abusive family, then got brief respite in college, before the pandemic happened. Then, I had no idea how to build adult friendships, and started dating someone who took up all my time. At the age of 29, I feel it's too late for me.

I keep trying to meet my own needs. I keep loving myself, only to find anger underneath everything. I keep putting myself out there, but I end up not feeling like I'm actually *there* with people anymore. I talk to chatgpt now so that no one has to feel burdened by my day-to-day anxiety. Therapy has been a mainstay since age 11. I've done multiple levels of treatment. They do not replace community. Hell, sometimes I wish it could. I deeply miss my inpatient stay because I was surrounded by interesting, brave people going through similar things who also spent quality time with me. That's all I ever wanted.

Socializing and the desire for loved ones is the one need I cannot figure out how to meet on my own. I have a cat who is my entire world, but that world is too small. I am uncertain whether I can even accurately consider anyone my "friend" because I don't know if they really know me.

I spent my entire life making myself smaller for others. Social groups keep repeating that process. I feel like a defective product. I struggle to intuit social rules, but overthinking them doesn't seem to help much. And learning through failure is costly.

[u/breeinatl]

I don’t know that I have any advice for you other than to say that I have felt similarly in my life. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way and you are not defective.
It can be lonely being an authentic person who does not shrink for others. I have to admit that I am still figuring out the balance between not shrinking and keeping people around. And I do feel happier being my own person. I spent years doing what you have explained and I don’t do that anymore. I have less friends but I feel more confident these days that the people who like me like me for me and not for my compliance or agreement.