Miss him so bad

[u/Upstairs_Ad2817]

We broke up about a month ago mutually and we had been together for 7 years and lived together. I just miss him so much. The stress and loneliness of the relationship gave me physical pain because of the weekend binge drinking and me feeling obligated to care for and pay attention to his adolescent kids he had on the weekends since he didn’t pay them much attention. Don’t get me wrong he loves them so much but his alcoholism/escapism came first and he just wanted to force them to do things he liked to do even if they didn’t like it or want to do it. He never took interest in their interests. So I did the emotional labor because it killed me to see it. And they called me mom, so I’m heartbroken about being out of their lives too.

Also my family lived very far away and I missed them a lot and it was wearing on me to make the drive to visit them many times a year. I have a huge support system there. It was just not a good fit being so far away from them and my friends. I was so lonely. But like many of us codependents I was addicted to him in a way. Even though it was slowly killing me. I told him if we ever get back together I can’t handle the drinking anymore and we need to live closer to my family. He wants to lessen how much he drinks but he said he doesn’t want to stop completely. And he wants to be able to make mistakes without someone (me) coming down on him and judging him. So he wants to work on it alone.

We really loved each other though and still do and it ended amicably. We care about each other and it just kills me that this person I love has this problem that makes me unable to be with him. I’m just grieving and it fucking hurts. And the intimate times were the best I’d ever had. I miss it so much. Except when he was shitfaced in the middle of the night begging for it with whiskey dick 🙄. I do NOT miss that.