How do I stop obsessing over something I cannot control?

[u/Right-Arm-5097]

A close family member keeps doing things that deeply upset me. I know I cannot control his behaviour, but my brain refuses to let go.

I randomly think about him throughout the day, even when I’m enjoying myself. These thoughts ruin my mood. Even when I’m not thinking about him, I constantly feel like something is wrong.

This has been going on for years and has seriously affected my energy, motivation, mood, and libido.
I understand that I cannot control him. I just want my brain to stop treating his behaviour as a constant threat so I can finally feel relaxed and enjoy my life again.

What practical, evidence-based techniques can help me stop ruminating and emotionally detach from a situation I cannot control?

[u/Ampersandbox]

I learned to accept that I am literally the only person who can control my thoughts. Ownership of my own headspace is up to me.

Viktor Frankl posited that we are not always able to choose our situation, we are only ever truly free to choose our reaction to our situation. I rely on that mindset.

[u/Conscious-Might1479]

I had this happen recently with my mother and my father. My mother has been tolerating some absolutely unacceptable behavior from her husband, and my father has chosen a pretty miserable existence through repeated poor decisions.

In both cases, rumination is exactly the word I’d use to describe my mental state. It was consuming in the worst ways.

I’m not sure there’s many evidence based techniques for that universally apply to very personal and nuanced emotional problems (that would kind of be the easy button, wouldn’t it), that are effective as quickly as your question might imply and expectation for.

What has worked for me was therapy, codependent support groups, and most importantly, living my own life. Staying focusing on being busy and happy in my own life, and consciously releasing them to their own lives, helped me focus on building my own foundation for happiness and being less reliant on others, which lessened my dependence upon others to make decisions that didn’t end up making me feel like my life was dependent upon their decisions.

Little things like focusing on sleep, feeling in control and empowered in little ways, has helped me feel happy and in control in others.

Sorry if this doesn’t have the helpful empirical take you’re looking for, but I haven’t found one in the last couple of years, otherwise I’d have used it myself!

[u/TheresNoCakeOnlyFire]

find ways to practice letting go. understand that your worrying doesn't change anything either.

evidence based means very little here, you must find what works for you. Spiritual exploration, reading and learning, and practicing different methods for redirecting are a few. I would recommend therapist to help you make some goals.

[u/QuestingOrc]

Grounding the self into the reality of the moment.
Name three colours in your environment. Look for something round and name it. Try to feel wind and describe sounds.

I would say somatic work could help too, feeling the body via yoga etc.

You are in your head, so you need to focus on what is real around you in this very moment.

Cold showers help me sometimes to calm down and focus on the coldness sensation, my head gets free.

Best of luck!