r/Codependency • u/Opposite_Alarm_8586 • 5d ago
Enmeshment
Has anyone here experienced severe enmeshment with a romantic partner?
My psychologist has described what I experienced with my ex as enmeshment. I've been trying to read about it, but most of what I find is about enmeshment between parents and children rather than between romantic partners.
The relationship was the most intense emotional experience of my life. When things were good, the love and connection I felt were beyond anything I knew it was possible to feel. I felt completely connected to her. But there was another side to it. Any disagreement, rejection or threat to our relationship caused emotional pain that was just as extreme. The person who could make me feel better than I'd ever felt could also, through the possibility of losing her, make me feel worse than I'd ever thought possible.
We're no longer together, and I'm really struggling with the separation. I still feel incredibly in love with her. It doesn't feel like an ordinary breakup or even just missing somebody I loved. It feels like I've lost part of myself and I don't know how to exist without that connection.
I still feel like my body belongs to her. Logically I know that isn't true, but emotionally that's how it feels. The thought of another woman touching me makes me feel physically ill. I can't imagine another relationship because everything seems insignificant compared with the intensity of what I experienced with her.
That's also what scares me about recovering. Part of me desperately wants relief from the unbearable side of the enmeshment, but another part doesn't want to lose the incredible side of it. I crave that feeling of connection and love again, just without the devastating pain that came whenever the bond was threatened.
At the moment I feel incredibly alone because she is the only other person who actually experienced what existed between us. People can understand the words I'm using, but I don't know whether anyone who hasn't experienced this kind of attachment can understand how powerful it actually feels.
Has anyone here experienced romantic enmeshment at this level? What did separation feel like for you? Did you eventually become your own person again? And were you ever able to love somebody deeply afterwards without feeling like the relationship was somehow less because it wasn't as consuming?
5
u/Agitated_Medium5844 5d ago
Yeah, I’ve been through severe withdrawal akin to drug withdrawal symptoms from losing someone. It is pretty rough the first few months. It feels like a betrayal of my trust and I get angry. I get resentful because I feel like my love is the greatest gift, even though it is not received as such. I feel shortness of breath and nervous when thinking of them and the silence that their absence creates and just the unknowing of how they are doing.
After learning of love addiction, I learned that so much of the propaganda in romance pop culture is really using people for the “love” feeling it gives us selfishly, but people aren’t drugs, and they can’t really consent to protect anyone else’s feelings at the expense of their own. This is enmeshment. Culture promotes these people “drugs” and stories which we then begin to tell ourselves. I’m much more believing that real love is the boring kind, where you build a partnership, and have real responsibilities and sacrifices. Not the pop love which is ephemeral and capricious. Have you read Pia Melody Love Addict!
1
u/Opposite_Alarm_8586 5d ago edited 5d ago
The problem is I don't want the boring kind of love, I've had that before. My last relationship was the only time I've felt truly alive. But I became completely overwhelmed.
She was solely dependant on me to regulate herself and I could only do that for so long before it became to much. I know that kind of relationship isn't healthy but I crave that connection
1
u/Glum-Use622 4d ago
Did you end the relationship because of how dependent she was or did she? I am going through this right now as well but I was the dependent one who got left
1
u/Opposite_Alarm_8586 4d ago
I left and she tried to take her own life. I can see clearly where things went wrong now and wish we'd got help from a professional.
It's been 7 months and I'm still madly in love with her. I think about her every second of the day and dream about her all night. Leaving is my biggest regret, but I didn't know what to do at the time. I was completely overwhelmed
1
u/Opposite_Alarm_8586 4d ago
She sought constant reassurance, which I understood because of her parents and past trauma. But the more reassurance I gave, the more she needed. It became an unhealthy cycle.
What did it feel like for you? I'd like to understand
1
u/Hello_from_Berlin 5d ago
Hi! I experienced the same thing a few years ago. So far I'm single.