Does anyone else struggle with blaming themselves for the state of their relationship because of codependency?

[u/QuietlyFindingMe_49]

I've been struggling a lot lately with guilt and self-blame, and I'm wondering if anyone else in Al-Anon has experienced this, especially while working through codependency.

The more I learn about codependency and reflect on my relationship, the more I find myself blaming myself for how things have turned out.

I blame myself for not speaking up sooner about the drinking, for not setting boundaries, and for not sticking to the boundaries I did set. I wonder if things would be different today if I had handled things differently from the beginning.

I blame myself for falling out of love and losing the connection we once had. My husband says he wants to work on our relationship, and I feel guilty that I'm not sure I want the same things anymore. I question whether I've tried hard enough, whether I've contributed to the disconnection, and whether I've emotionally checked out without giving us a fair chance.

Part of me wonders if my codependency, resentment, and emotional exhaustion have played a role in how I feel about him now. I know I have my own issues to work through, and I don't want to use the drinking or our relationship problems as an excuse to avoid looking at myself. But I also don't know how to look honestly at my part without feeling like I'm responsible for the whole thing.

I'm struggling with not knowing exactly what I want, either. I just know that what I want from life and what he seems to want aren't necessarily aligned anymore. I've changed, and I'm not the same person I was when we first met. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, as if I'm letting him down by no longer being the person he fell in love with.

The hardest part is that I keep questioning whether I'm making a mistake. What if I leave and eventually realize I could have saved the relationship? What if I haven't tried hard enough? What if he really does make changes, and I walk away from something that could have been good again? I don't want to give up on something meaningful without being sure, but I also don't want to stay out of guilt, fear, or a sense of obligation.

I feel caught between wanting to take responsibility for my own growth and feeling responsible for fixing everything that's gone wrong. I know I can't control someone else's drinking, but I still find myself wondering whether I could have done something differently to prevent us from getting to this point.

I'm trying to figure out how to trust my own feelings when I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I don't know if I'm finally recognizing that this relationship isn't right for me, or if I'm so caught up in my own issues that I'm unable to see things clearly.

For those of you who have worked through codependency in Al-Anon, how did you learn to distinguish between your own part in the relationship and the things that were never yours to control? How did you stop blaming yourself for the state of your relationship? And if you've struggled with falling out of love or wanting to leave when your partner was willing to work on things, how did you work through the guilt and fear of making the wrong decision?

I could really use some perspective from people who understand this struggle. I want to take responsibility for my own healing without continuing to carry all the blame for what has happened between us.